Anaysis of Season 2

(Otherwise known as the “We’ve become slightly more demanding now and want to see every kind of lesbian represented in every kind of sex scene, always wearing great shoes” Season)

Well, my analysis of Season One seemed to lead to a rather shocking conclusion. It hinted that the L Word writers may be planning their sex scenes so that over the length of the season we are reminded of breasts. Why would they do that? And are they really that clever? Is it just a wonderful coincidence or some kind of rather sinister plot to make the whole world turn lesbian? So many questions. What we do know however, is that every season has held its own sex treasures, so it’s worth delving into them all to see what we can find. Hopefully you’ll have already got the hang of my totally random scoring system, so let’s crack on shall we? Will we find a similar pattern in Season Two? Mmhm, maybe…

Discussion

1 - Life, Loss, Leaving

Who? Bette and Candace. Where? Candace’s bed. What? They have some morning delight; well Bette does as Candace works her magic under the covers. Try as she might though, Bette just can’t get into it. Why nice? We get to see Bette’s face during the bit where she’s enjoying it, but that’s not for very long. Why not nice? How many of us wept when we saw this as one of the first scenes of Season Two? Well, maybe wept is a bit strong, but I’m sure there were many disappointed faces. It’s weird because these two seemed to be all about passion and franticness in Season One. Now it’s all slow and loving and it just doesn’t fit into their relationship at all. Also, I don’t know about you, but I was still totally distracted with trying to work out what the hell was happening time-wise…

Who? Alice and Dana. Where? The Planet bathroom. What? Okay, so it was only a kiss, but a delicious kiss nonetheless. These two finally confront each other after the 4am kiss and they just can’t stop themselves from doing it again, this time quite forcibly up against the handryer. Why nice? Well, I’m including this kiss because by the way Alice is fiddling with her blouse and skirt as she leaves the bathroom, who knows what really happened in there? I like to think it was more than just the kiss, but even if it wasn’t it’s exciting to know that these two are heading somewhere and it’s probably going to be a right tease until we get there! Why not nice? I would’ve liked to have seen them for longer, and while I’m glad they didn’t have cheap sex in the bathroom like Jenny and Marina did, we all know it would’ve been hot if they had…

Who? Shane and Carmen. Where? Sound booth. What? Carmen is playing a tune for Shane that luckily for both of them includes the words “kiss”, “girls” and “fuck”. The soundtrack to Shane’s life! It all starts with a seemingly innocent “fuck you” from Carmen to Shane and then Shane decides to do just that and soon they’re ‘getting down’ to the music. Why nice? Carmen is hot! She has an amazing tattoo on her and she seems to be as confident about being gay as Shane is. And the location is sexy – the music is thumping and they’re in a room with one wall made entirely of glass. Oh to be working there on that day and stumbling across that view! Why not nice? Shane has a funny tuft of white hair at the back of her head which is off-putting enough on its own, but the awfulness of that is overshadowed by the scariness of Carmen’s mullet. Bad hair days all round…

Overall Episode rating: Three scenes to start the Season, but none of them sizzle. It’s exciting to wonder where Alice and Dana are going to go from here, and Shane and Carmen seem hot together, but the Candace and Bette scene is just plain old sad, especially after seeing Tina so pregnant. An okay start, but remember the start of Season One? After nine months of waiting, this episode is a bit of a sex scene let down…HOT!

2 – Lap Dance

Who? Shane and Carmen. Where? At Carmen’s videoshoot job. What? This was such a bare episode I just needed to include something, so this is it – a kiss between Shane and Carmen when Shane visits her at her work. Shane seems keen all of a sudden, but Carmen has sussed her out and the minute she insists they meet up later because she has to work, Shane gets all guarded again. Why nice? It’s nice watching them kiss – they kiss like proper lesbians! Why not nice? It’s so short and so rudely interrupted by pesky boss-type people demanding that Carmen actually work while she’s at work! The swines!
Overall Episode rating: One kissing scene all episode – it’s just not good enough. Mind you, Tina did get that sad lap dance and then masturbate whilst sobbing about Bette. I guess technically that is a sex scene? Should I have included that? Oh sod it…it would still be a COLD!

3 – Loneliest Number

Who? Carmen and Shane. Where? Shane’s bed. What? These two have started to become the hot new couple by this episode. They have obviously had a bit of loving already, and Shane is about to head out in an effort to avoid a sleepover situation, but Carmen insists that she stay and play her new game “too hot”. Basically kissing, kissing, kissing, but no touching whatsoever! Why nice? A game can never ever be too hot! The hotter the better I say. I do like to watch these two kissing and there’s plenty of that here. The tension builds until Shane can’t resist grabbing Carmen’s arse. That brings me to my next point – this was the first proper glimpse of the fabulousness of Carmen’s arse – she nearly floors poor malnourished Jenny when she walks by her in the kitchen in those tiny knickers! Now there are two things to look forward to in future episodes: the longed for Alice and Dana hook up AND another view of ‘The Arse’. Why not nice? Well, it’s great foreplay, but the scene is sadly lacking in showing what happens next.

Overall Episode rating:  The one scene is a hot, but as an episode I still don’t think it’s lighting up our screens with the hot hot hotness that we all deserve…HOT!

4 – Lynch Pin

Who? Helena and her therapist. Where? Her therapist’s office.  What? This is our first sighting of Helena , as she tempts her therapist into an ‘unprofessional’ situation. They kiss and …that bloody theme tune starts. Why nice? I guess that the whole client/therapist thing is kinda hot, but not when your therapist is about 30 years older than you! It is cool to finally see our new character Helena introduced, but it’s a shame it’s in such a weird situation. Why not nice? There’s no chemistry between these two and being a Brit myself, the British accent (which may well be music to so many other nationality’s ears) holds no magic for me.

Who? Bette and ‘girl’. Where? Bette’s hotel room. What? Bette has gone to New York and is still feeling sorry for herself, so she goes to a bar and picks up some hot young thing who seems overwhelmed by the fact that she’s fucking the chick from Flashdance. Why nice? Bette is being all Alpha again, which is always hot to see. I bet that everyone reading this has a mini-fantasy about being the woman on the receiving end of that lusty look and that classic line “wanna dance?” Why not nice? Bette wants a faceless woman to fuck, hence why she does her from behind, with very little kissing and no intimacy. The whole thing is tinged with sadness, which I think tends to detract from the hotness.

Overall Episode rating: The first scene was a bit startling and strange, but Bette was a hot seductress and however sad the scene, at least it was some proper sex for a change…HOT!

5 – Labyrinth

Who? Dana and Alice. Where? Dana’s living room (and kitchen). What? They are making gift bags for Dana’s engagement party, when FINALLY they do it and it’s hilarious and sexy at the same time. Why nice? It starts off funny - they can’t get their tops and pants off because of their tightness and impracticalness, and Dana falls off the end of the sofa. But then it heats up and we see the first proper sex scene this season, and by proper I mean there’s nakedness, thrusting, talk of how many fingers are needed etc. You get the picture, you saw it. And who knew that Dana was such a top? Interesting…Why not nice? Though the “finally” music is apt, it’s also slightly off-putting, especially when it means we can’t hear anything that is being said. It’s also a bit disjointed…they should’ve kept the 9 1/2 weeks bit for another time cause it just isn’t believable that they get naked to have sex, then they get dressed again to feed each other messy food, and then they get naked again. But really, I’m picking holes here, because how lovely is that thing with the cream? Yum…

Who? Shane and ‘girl’ (not to be confused with ‘girl’ that went with Bette in New York ). Where? Shane’s bedroom. What? Shane comes home with some random girl and Mark watches them via his secret cameras. He sees that Shane isn’t as into it as maybe she should be. Why nice? There’s no reason it’s nice. It’s sad that Shane has returned to her old ‘fuck anything’ days and is ignoring the possible love of her life Carmen. Why not nice? Um, I think I covered that already…
Overall Episode rating: Well, this is the episode where Danish fans finally get to see their hot couple together…and it’s worth the wait. But Shane is reverting to type and having sad sex again, which is just painful to watch…HOT!

6 – Lagrimas De Oro

Who? Shane and the delivery girl. Where? The sofa in Shane’s living room. What? Mark has set it up so that he has something to film, and Shane doesn’t disappoint and falls straight into the trap. Why nice? The girl is wearing a tight shirt and some tiny shorts and she is very cute. It’s a fantasy – some hot girl coming to your door to deliver a letter, pizza, whatever…if only British Mail were like this. Why not nice? It’s quite passionless and Shane has been set up, but really, who cares? It’s hot!
Who? Tina and Helena. Where? In the pool at the Chateux Marmont hotel. What? Tina is attending a dinner with Helena and other guests, but Helena becomes bored with the other people’s conversations and slinks off to the pool where she phones Tina to request her company. She goes and allows Helena to seduce her, starting off at the pool edge and then carrying it on in the pool. There’s sexy classical music and lots of interesting underwater shots (where big things get amplified even bigger); cool. Why nice? Helena does a great job of seducing Tina – making her feel beautiful and sexy in all her pregnant glory. Great way to start her “getting over Bette and being more independent” phase – making love to a gorgeous woman like Helena in a moonlit swimming pool. It’s slow and sensual and I was definitely thinking “you go girl”. Why not nice? Even though I’m sure that Tina is having a lovely time, she does seem a bit like a deer caught in the headlights when she’s faced with Helena at her most seductive.

Overall Episode rating: The first episode of the season that has more than one hot scene in it…thank god. It could still be much better, but after the slow start we’ve had to this season, this is a HOT!

7 – Luminous

Who? Helena and Tina. Where? The hotel rooftop. What? Tina lies back on the sun-lounger, whilst Helena ‘enjoys the view’. Why nice? Tina is like putty in Helena ’s hands isn’t she? After so long of being, let’s be honest, a bit of a doormat with Bette, she is enjoying Helena ’s attentions and it’s nice to see. Saucy rooftop antics are good, and so is the realism – Helena even wipes her lips afterwards! Why not nice? Sex in public places is hot (and all of our girls seem to do it an awful lot, the lucky cows), but for Helena it seems to be a bit of a ‘thing’ – is she capable of doing it without the threat of someone else watching? Not that it’s a problem with me if she can’t, just making an observation. Oh, and another thing that is obviously slightly off-putting about this scene is that it’s interrupted by Helena ’s ex “Winnie Man”…lol.

Who? Carmen and Jenny. Where? Jenny’s bed. What? After making flirty at The Planet, they go home for a snog, which is rudely interrupted by Shane and her set of twins! Now that could’ve been fun to watch, but neither happens that night. Carmen calls it a night, but then comes over the next day to, well, it’s not clear what to do. Why nice? Well, what can you say about this scene? They end up semi-naked on the bed, which I guess is good, though not really. Even Carmen semi-naked is ruined by the meer presence of Jenny. Why not nice? There’s lots of scratching and smacking – it’s all very weird and I just don’t get them together at all.

Overall Episode rating: It’s depressing when you have to class a scratching and smacking scene as a sex scene, but this season is just not serving us well so far I think, so beggars can’t be choosers…COLD!

8 – Loyal

Who? Helena and Tina. Where? On the dining room table at some stranger’s house. What?  The obsession continues as Helena starts getting frisky with Tina while they look round a house to rent. Why nice? Oh dear, I think I’m beginning to despair…I just can’t think of anything particularly nice about this scene. Why not nice? I’m so over the naughtiness of these two having sex in public now…IT’S BORING ME! They’re becoming like Jenny and Marina – never able to get off because they keep doing it in public places and getting interrupted. Yawn.

Who? Alice and Dana. Where? On Alice ’s couch. What? Okay, the lack of actual sex is really starting to annoy me now, so I’m having to include this scene because of the sheer lack of anything else hot…even these two hanging out at home in their messy clothes is better than most of the other stuff we’re seeing. Why nice? It’s not technically sex, but the way that Dana is topping Alice, and the way that Alice tells Dana what she is fantasising about (once I’ve replayed the scene with the sound on maximum about twenty times so I can actually hear what she says)– it’s just hot. Why not nice? It’s too short! Give us some proper sex for crying out loud!

Overall Episode rating: Thank the lord for Alice and Dana or I’d be reaching for my ‘Bound’ video again…which I may actually still do now I’ve thought of it…COLD!

9 – Late, Later, Latent

Who? Jenny and Carmen. Where? On the toilet. What? Yes, that’s right, ON THE TOILET! Why nice? Um, they’ve just got out of the shower so they’re clean? Why not nice? This wouldn’t be so bad if the seat were down, but they’re naked, on the toilet, and there definitely seems to be some peeing involved. Not really my thing, but I’m not one to judge those who enjoy this type of filthy activity...

Who? Bette and Tina. Where? Tina’s apartment. What? They have been for the ultrasound, which has bonded them big style. Why nice? Finally, they reconnect after their devastating break up. Tina is in charge – she wants Bette and Bette is speechless and happy to be controlled by Tina. Slow and sensual with lots of delicious kissing and to top it all off…they come together. Proper sex! Thank the powers that be; I’m sated! Why not nice? Nothing. It’s hot. Officially.

Overall Episode rating: Well it started off weirdly with the toilet incident, but the Bette and Tina reunion was worth the long wait…HOT!

10 – Land Ahoy

Who? Phoebe Sparkle and the girl from Betty. Where? All over the bloody place on the Olivia Cruise. What? ‘Phoebe Sparkle and the girl from Betty’ - great title for a children’s book I think. Well, they do it on the ship in a variety of places, including in “king of the world” titanic style. Apparently Miss Sparkle has magical orgasm powers! Why nice?  I like it when the girl from Betty plays the cello, but after that it just goes downhill for me. Why not nice? Do I really have to explain? Are you stupid? It just isn’t sexy at all – and I’m sorry, but I can’t believe we’ve all been subjected to seeing the girl from Betty smooshing her tits together like that in the jacuzzi. I’m angry, genuinely angry for us all…

Who? Alice and Dana and the strap-on. Where? On board the love boat. What? Dressed in their Captain Stubing and Julie costumes, Dana tries to take Alice from behind with her new toy, but seasickness prevails and the fantasy is cut short by the sound of heaving. Why nice? Who knew that these two would be so good at role-playing? It’s more funny than sexy, but funny’s good, especially after that debacle at the beginning of this episode (don’t get me started again). Why not nice? Well, we were introduced to the strap-on in the last episode…in fact choosing the strap-on was given such screen time that I think it should officially be classed as the third person in their relationship. Let’s call it Bob. Well, poor old Bob gets quite rudely interrupted by the vomiting doesn’t he? Poor thing.

Overall Episode rating: It’s just getting stupid now…when are we going to get a hot hot hot? Not in this one that’s for sure…it sinks so low at the beginning that even the presence of Alice, Dana, Bob and the uniforms is only enough to make this a COLD!

11 – Loud and Proud

Who? Alice and Dana. Where? Alice ’s apartment. What? Another roleplay, this time as master and french maid – Dana’s wearing a tie and glasses, Alice has her leg over Dana’s shoulder. It’s all good, but before Bob can make a full appearance, they’re interrupted by Howie at the door. Why nice? These sex games are fun to see and I’m glad that they’re both having such a nice time. Plus any scene with Leisha in a maid’s outfit is just fine with me. Why not nice? Why can’t we just see them being real and having some normal sex? Why has it all got to be so set-up and comic? Oh dear, I’m getting whiny now aren’t I?

Overall Episode rating: I do like any scene with Alice and Dana and thank god we have them and their antics in this otherwise dry season, but it’s still a COLD!

12 – L’Chaim

OH MY GOD! I didn’t think it could get any worse, but what do we get in this episode? NOTHING!
Overall Episode rating: duh…ICE COLD!

13 – Lacuna

Who? Shane and Carmen. Where? Shane’s house. What? “Fucking, fucking, fucking”; shown over two different scenes, this one lasts for ages! First there’s all the kissing - it’s kind of like that scene in Goodfellas – they kiss and the shot never breaks from the beginning until they get to the bedroom. Cool. And then they get to the heavy stuff and Shane finally opens her heart and lets Carmen in and tells her “I love you”. Carmen is speechless, and so are we! Why nice? It’s real, it’s long, it’s romantic and sexy all at the same time. But it’s also just nice to actually have a proper sex scene! Why not nice? It’s been too long coming!

Overall Episode rating: A good end to the season, but why the hell did it have to limp to get there? Anyway, moan over…it was hot, so hence…HOT HOT HOT!

Results

One thing that has become apparent after watching Season Two is that there just isn’t enough sex on this show. I know Martina Navratilova disagrees with me, and she is a celebrity lesbian so she deserves our respect. But as much as I love her forehand, she just isn’t right on this occasion. Analysing the overall episode scores leads to the realisation that we have had 1 ice cold, 5 colds, 6 hots, and only 1 hot hot hot. In the majority of the episodes we are rewarded with a mediocre cold or a slightly warmer hot, but only occasionally do we get anything different. Now, as an expert researcher, what immediately struck me was how closely this pattern matched that of a normal distribution…a visual representation which shows how most things cluster around the average point, with only a few outliers sitting at the extremes. A normal distribution could be represented as such…

I think I’m beginning to see a pattern emerging here… Coming soon….Season Three!

Read part 1

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online