Introduction

Maybe it’s an important study to undertake. Maybe it’s got some sort of anthropological relevance to lesbiankind. Maybe it’s just because I have too much time on my hands…but one thing is definitely true – if you’re reading this article then you’re as obsessed as I am. And I think we’re all agreed - it’s time to disseminate, ruminate and generally remember and perv over the L Word sex scenes we have come to know and love.

Methodology

Now, in order to do this, I decided that a graph, chart or some other kind of visual representation would be a great way of getting across my point…but that meant I had to decide what my point was. So I thought about it and I came up with this…the L Word has had a lot of sex scenes in it. Some of them were nice, some not so nice (maybe it’s just my taste, but Tina and Henry up against the wall was not a high point for me personally). So I have been pondering over how each scene would score on a kind of points system, with the points making it possible to see any trends that may exist. Now of course, deciding on the criteria for any kind of points system is a very subjective thing. For example, if you randomly selected 10 lesbians, those lesbians should be representative of the greater population of lesbians. You would see some differences across the group (favourite L Word character for example – butch girls tend to respect Moira a lot I think), as well as some similarities (I think most would probably have quite a gay haircut). But the one thing that crosses all of our realities is love…the love of sex with women. So keeping that in mind, the criteria I have picked are:

A. Skin – we all like to see a bit of skin, so points are awarded for nakedness of any kind, particularly in rudey places such as the breast or bottom area.

B. Situation – some sex scenes are just great because of their context – where they are or what they represent. Or they’re just dirty because they’re in a really pervy place, like on a bus filled with nuns!

C. Humour – this may be a controversial one, but I think that laughing during sex is great, well maybe not actually during, but it’s fun to watch two people having funny sex. That sounds really wrong, but hopefully you know what I mean.

D. Hotness – this is a term that I’m sure I will throw about willy nilly throughout this article. You know when you just know something is hot? There’s no particular reason, it just is? So that’s what this criteria is all about – it’s when a scene has the x-factor.

Based on these criteria I will discuss the highs and lows of each scene, and then give each episode an overall summary and rating (ice cold, cold, hot, hot hot hot). So in actual fact, it’s really unscientific and the scoring system is totally pointless. Hopefully you, and by you I mean anyone who is reading this article, will be okay with the criteria and the scoring system, and if you’re not then you can write your own bloody article.

 So, which scenes should be included in the study? Well, there have been lots of lovely kissing scenes. Big shout out to Dana and Alice ’s doorstep kiss at the end of Season 1! But if I put these in we’d be here all year, so no entry for kissing only! However, totally contradicting myself, some kissing scenes have been included, but only if they appear to be the prelude to some real or even imaginary sex. Also, some scenes which could technically be classed as sex (for example Jesus and the artist, and of course the dolphins getting jiggy) are not included because there’s just no fun in writing about these. This then leads onto the thorny issue of the heterosexual sex that we have had to endure during the three seasons. It was a dilemma for me – should I include them or not? Well, I decided not. Why? Well, there is the scientific reason of not wanting to skew the results or bias the sample, but to be honest, I just couldn’t be bothered.
So here we go…we’ll go through each Season, episode by episode and hopefully we’ll be able to see some kind of pattern at the end of each season. I have a feeling that we might…

SEASON ONE
(Otherwise known as the “We’ve seen no lesbian sex on TV, ever, so we’re just grateful for anything” Season)

Discussion

1 - Pilot

Who? Shane and ‘girl’. Where? Bette and Tina’s pool. What? As Jenny watches through the hole in the fence, Shane brings some girl to Bette and Tina’s house to ‘use’ their pool. And by use I mean strip naked and have sex in it. Why nice? Extreme nakedness and the excitement of pool sex – very LA! Why not nice? Who is this girl? What do they have in common? Has the pool been fully chlorinated recently? For someone like me who likes the details, this scene is just rife with unanswered questions…

Who? Jenny and Marina. Where? Marina ’s house. What? Marina charms Jenny with her fabulous accent and the fabulous view from her house. In general, Marina knows just how fabulous she is. Don’t look directly at her Jenny! Her fabulousness will set your eyes on fire! Why nice? It’s a proper sex scene with nakedness and everything – we even get to see the climax of the scene so to speak. And of course it’s Jenny’s first time with a woman, which makes it special and something to be rejoiced. Oh, and the music is quite cool too. Why not nice? I like Tim a lot more than I like Marina so I feel a bit angry about the whole thing. I mean I know she’s fit, but she’s just a soulless predator in my world. But I know this is a very strong opinion, so I’ll try to be objective in future scenes. No, sod that – I HATE HER…

Who? Bette and Tina rekindle the flames. Where? At home, in bed. What? They pick up some random guy at the museum party with the intention of getting Tina pregnant during a threesome, but the guy doesn’t like the fact that the crazy lesbians only want to have sex with him for his sperm. So he leaves in a strop and we all cheer wildly that it’s just the two of them carrying on without him. Why nice? The music, the realism, the overall tempo – it’s quite frantic isn’t it? Frantic sex is very hot, but especially when it’s naked frantic sex. HOT HOT HOT! Did I mention it was hot?

Why not nice? Um, no reason at all, because it’s hot…

Overall Episode rating: Two good scenes and one super scene give this episode a HOT HOT HOT! rating. We have sex between strangers, new sex between new lovers, and reconnection sex for a long-term couple. Something for everyone, plus lots of skin! A great start!

2 - Let’s Do It

Who? Bette and Tina make a baby. Where? At home, in bed. What? They’ve got the sperm, they’ve got the syringe, they’ve got the wine and candles. Go sperm! Do your magic! Why nice? It’s romantic, there’s atmospheric music, and they’re trying to make a baby which is lovely. And even this early on in the season everyone just loves watching these two have sex. Why not nice? We don’t see much actual sex; it’s mostly just kissing, but very nice kissing nonetheless…

Overall Episode rating: One good scene, but a bit disappointing after last episode’s shagfest, so maybe just a HOT! for this one.

3 - Longing

Who? Shane and Lacey. Where? On the street, then in Lacey’s apartment. What? Well we don’t actually get to see the sex, but we do get to see the snogging outside the fruit shop and then the moody cigarette smoking afterwards, and we can all imagine what happened in between. Why nice? Their kiss is hot because it’s on the street and they just don’t care who sees, and the creaking of Lacey’s leather jacket adds some extra auditory stimulation. There’s also something supremely sexy about the way that Shane makes some kind of pact with Lacey to drop the stalking in exchange for one last sex session with the master. Why not nice? There’s no nudity and we don’t actually get to see any sex, just the before and after, so I guess it just depends how strong your imagination is. Mine’s not that great when it comes to Shane, she’s a bit too skinny for me…

Who? Jenny and Marina. Where? The Planet office. What? Jenny has resisted her for as long as is physically possible and has returned to the Planet late at night to find Marina alone in the office. Jenny is crying, but takes her sweatshirt off to show her intent and Marina takes control of the situation in her usual style. I HATE HER! Why nice? Well, um, I can’t actually think of anything. Not my cup of tea. No real nudity, no humour, no sexy location, no hotness. Why not nice? Have I mentioned I don’t like Marina ?

Overall Episode rating: Two luke-warm scenes…better than no sex, but not much. This one is a COLD!

4 - Lies, Lies, Lies

Who? Dana and Lara (Dana female ejaculates). Where? In Dana’s bed. What? Okay, so we never actually get to see this sex scene, just the aftermath, but I think we should include it just because it’s an important lesbian sex issue; the female ejaculation, and as such I think it should be discussed. But also because I have imagined how this scene went many times before…and it was hot. Why nice? These two are a cute couple, and Dana’s reaction is just so funny. Plus, it must’ve been good sex for Dana to have such a strong reaction. It also gets special points because even Mr Piddles thought it was hot (I asked him through a medium) and everyone knows he was a sex guru. Why not nice? Using the strict judging criteria, I guess it’s lacking because we didn’t actually see any sex, but let’s not get picky now. It should get credit for the imagined hotness and the fan fiction hysteria it created.

Who? Jenny and Marina. Where? The Planet bathroom. What? This is the first time that the Planet bathroom is used for a romantic interlude between two of our girls, and it’s full on except for pesky Tim arriving to take a pee. Why nice? This is probably the only sex scene where I actually like Jenny and Marina together – I think it’s the illicitness of it all. Great location – a toilet stall has always been a personal fantasy of mine, and if you’re honest you feel the same! Plus it gets points for the frantic nature of the sex (remember – we like the franticness), even though it was fully clothed. Why not nice? However sexy the idea of screwing in a public place is, actually being that close to a toilet is probably not the nicest of places to be smell wise. But thankfully TV hasn’t gone scratch and sniff yet, so this doesn’t affect us. Controversially (my fellow “We hate Marina Fanclub” members will be disappointed in me for this), I judge this scene officially hot…   

Who? Jenny and Marina. Where? The Planet office. What? Again, they’re getting it on in secret while crowds party outside the door. And again they’re interrupted by Alice come to warn Jenny that Tim has arrived looking for her. Why nice? The fear of getting caught, yaddah yaddah. Not much else really. Why not nice? Blink and you’ll miss it; no kissing, no intimacy, just Marina giving it to her from behind. And I’m starting to feel sorry for Jenny getting interrupted every time she tries to get fucked by Marina at the Planet – will she ever get off again? A disappointment after their earlier encounter…

Overall Episode rating: I do feel that they have failed us with Dana and Lara – why don’t we get to see the sex? What have we done wrong - why are they punishing us? An opportunity wasted, but the bathroom sex had an air of hotness about it, so I’ll give this one a HOT!

5 - Lawfully

Who? Jenny and Marina. Where? In Jenny’s writing shed. What? Marina is going down on Jenny and Tim walks in on them. Why nice? It’s just pure sex with these two, which is kind of hot I guess. Marina ’s back does look sexy, and again, there’s a sneakiness about it that makes it exciting. Why not nice? The mood is killed when we see Jenny pulling up her ripped tights, with that startled rabbit look on her face. Plus, Marina saunters away with that cocky look on her face that makes me want Tim to punch her in the face. And again, poor old Jenny doesn’t get her rocks off. Will she ever?

Overall Episode rating: I’m over Jenny and Marina ’s interrupted sex by this point in the season, so I’m glad that Tim found out. Now they can just do it and get to finish it, or just stop doing it. Either way, the one sex scene in this episode is old news, so it’s a COLD!

6 - Losing it

Who? Random sandwich shop girls. Where? In the back of the sandwich shop, duh. What? Tired of sweeping up the bread crumbs, the two girls get hot and frisky with each other, while their boss watches them and jacks off. Why nice? The situation is good here – they’re wearing uniforms and they’re at work. The only thing hotter would be if they were in a stationery cupboard (or is that just a personal fantasy of mine that no one else gets?). Why not nice? It’s very passionless, there’s no skin and the sight of the boss breathing heavily against the window as he watches is enough to put me right off…

Who? Dana and Lara. Where? In Bette and Tina’s living room. What? Everyone is sleeping over because of Tina’s crazy sperm stalker lady, and Dana and Lara think they can shag quietly while everyone sleeps. Why nice? Finally we get to see these two getting it on, and it’s worth it for the hushed whispering, heavy breathing and guilty glances. There’s something seriously hot about getting it on in such a public place – I certainly wish that I’d had sleepovers like this when I was a teenager! Why not nice? If only Lara had been a little less ambitious, I mean, if you’re trying to do it quietly you just can’t waste valuable time with kissing on the stomach. It’s got to be a hand straight down the pyjamas kind of shag. As a result, the gang all wake up and Kit interrupts their fun (and ours) with a subtle cough. It would’ve been better if it had lasted a bit longer, but it was still hot and funny…  

Overall Episode rating: Two okay scenes, one with our girls, one with strangers. But sex with strangers can be hot and I’m feeling generous, so let’s give this episode a HOT!

 7 - L’ennui

Who? Alice and Lisa (the lesbian-identified man). Where? In a cabin at Shane’s yacht party. What? Lisa wants to use ‘her’ portable dildo on Alice , but Alice wants to use the real thing. And she gets her way, much to Lisa’s shock. Why nice? Well we see quite a lot of skin, even though half of it is hairy. Technically it should be hot because they’re both lesbians, but we all know that Lisa is really a man in disguise. Why not nice? Alice is very forceful with Lisa which I personally find quite hot, but I’m aware that there may be issues involved here – did Alice force Lisa to use her penis on her? I can’t believe I have had reason to write that sentence. God love this TV show…

Who? Marina and Jenny. Where? In Marina ’s bed. What? Jenny wakes up in Marina ’s bed and they enjoy a slow and lazy morning shag. Why nice? Well at least finally they have the time and space to properly have naked sex, and it has a relaxed quality to it that is fairly appealing. Why not nice? Well, it’s just not very exciting is it? It’s casual and artistically done, but it’s all a bit blah. It also ends with Jenny finding out that Marina has a wife, which is never a good thing to find out after you’ve had great sex with someone. These two just do not sizzle. Disagree with me if you will, but I think I’m right…

Overall Episode rating: Not a great episode for the sex. Both scenes are okay, but neither of them light up the screen like we want. It’s another…COLD!

8 - Listen Up

To what? There’s nothing. Zilch. Zip. Dry ground. A very disappointing ICE COLD!

9 - Luck Next Time

Who? Shane and Cherie. Where? Cherie’s dressing room. What? Shane is called to do a home visit, but Cherie wants more than just a haircut! Shane is like putty in her hands and does the decent thing and gives her what she wants. What a woman! But her husband interrupts them. He likes the haircut – it’s the “just fucked look”! Why nice? Okay, where to start? Well, Cherie knows what she wants and she takes it. Hot! We see plenty of skin, suspenders and underwear. Hot! They could get caught at any moment! Hot! And the way Cherie says “I’ll call you if I need a touch up”. HOT! Why not nice? They do get caught, and it ends abruptly, and actually we don’t get to see much at all. Have they even had sex or are they caught before they have gotten down to the good stuff? Who knows and who cares…

Overall Episode Rating: After a few dull episodes and last episode’s barren sex landscape, this is a welcome relief. These two show much promise for things to come…HOT!

 10 - Liberally

Who? China and Amber. Where? In some dodgy public toilet. What? These two young girls are filming a porn video under the direction of “fat sweaty man with a camera”. Why nice? I’m reaching here, but perhaps some people like the Britney Spears style uniforms? Not me though, oh no. Why not nice? Like most lesbian porn filmed to get men off, it’s just so not sexy. And we really don’t see any proper sex. In fact why did I even include it? I have no idea.  

Who? Shane and Cherie. Where? In the barber’s chair! What? Cherie shows Shane her new hair salon premises and expects Shane to show her gratitude. Why nice? Cherie has her leg slung over Shane’s shoulder and we see that glorious shot of Cherie’s high heel silhouetted in front of the lit up glass partition, which has to be one of the iconic images from this show. Shane is so cool as she swaggers over to the chair and mutters “fuck”. Why not nice? We only really get to see Shane getting herself comfortable on top Cherie before the camera pans away and we see the shoe. It might’ve been nice to have seen a bit more, but these two still sizzle…

Who? Dana and Jenny. Where? Jenny’s writing shed. What? Dana is drinking alone in some dyke bar (yeah right – in reality she’d have been alone for about 2 seconds). In walks Jenny and ruins Dana’s chances of meeting anyone normal. So they go home together and hook-up in the most disastrous hook-up in history - and it’s hilarious. Why nice? Dana’s got her new ‘do and is oozing sexiness and geekiness in equal measure, which I personally find really hot. There’s lots of skin, and huge amounts of laughter (at least for us). Why not nice? Just the one thing – the total lack of chemistry. They’re both so apprehensive, which is what makes the whole thing so funny to watch, but also makes it totally unhot. Big appreciation for how they managed to film it without totally cracking up, but it just doesn’t have the x-factor…nice boobies though Dana…

Overall Episode Rating: No actual sex in any of these scenes, just the build up and the hope that our imaginations will do the rest. And for me it does…HOT!

11- Looking Back

Who? Dana and Tonya. Where? Tonya’s hotel room at the Dinah Shore weekend. What? Tonya is in awe of Dana’s celebrity and drags her back to her hotel room and pounces on her like a lion picking off a lame gazelle. Why nice? There’s lots of kissing, some nice skin, and lots of humour - “I can’t believe I’m about to go down on Dana Fairbanks”! Why not nice? There’s not much chemistry between these two – Dana seems to be struggling to get away one second, and then really into it the next, which is odd. A good solid sex scene with some good ingredients, but missing that something extra…
Overall Episode rating: One safe scene, but I was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t more, considering they were all at Dinah Shore . I though it was the equivalent of lesbian spring break! At least one of our girls should’ve been having sex on the balcony with some random drunk stranger. Therefore…COLD!

 12 - Locked Up

Who? Bette and Candace. Where? The prison cell! What? It starts with an ‘innocent’ alphabet game (everyone knows there’s no such thing – those alphabet games are like porn!), and ends with Bette humping the wall. Why nice? This scene defies all points system logic because there’s no skin and they don’t even tough each other. Yet - you can practically feel the air between them crackle with sexual tension. The fact that they’re in a prison cell does nothing to relieve the tension, it just cranks it up even higher. This scene definitely has the HOT HOT HOT factor. Why not nice? Nothing much really because if they’d have been naked or actually touching it probably would’ve made the scene less hot than it is without those things. The only slight problem of course is the thought of Tina waiting for Bette on the other side of the wall. She’s a naughty girl that Bette isn’t she? Shall we punish her? Mmhm…

Overall Episode rating: You could cut the sexual tension with a knife in this episode…the prison cell scene is the only sex scene, but the tension builds all the way up to it. But, because it’s only the one scene, it’s just a HOT!  

13 - Limb from Limb

Who? Bette and Candace. Where? A fancy hotel. What? Bette has decided she wants more than just tension across a prison cell and is incapable of stopping herself when she sees Candace arrive at work in her sexy pickup truck and her dungarees. So they go to a hotel and to the eerie tunes of Portishead they have a sex power struggle on the stairs, against the door, in the bed. Why nice? Bette is finally forced to give control to someone else and she likes it – and so do we! It’s sexy because it’s so illicit, they want each other so badly that they can’t wait till they get to the room, and they are so unashamed of the fact that they are hiring this room for ‘must have sex’ when they check in. And the image of Bette lying on the bed, with her black bra showing underneath her unbuttoned tailored shirt and jacket, with Candace straddling her at the waist is just yummy. Why not nice? Well, the little fact that at the exact same moment that Bette officially cheats on her, Tina is practically building a community centre for the poor kids with her own bare hands. Could we feel any sorrier for Tina? But I refuse to let that detract from the fact that this scene is HOT HOT HOT…

Who? Jenny and Robin. Where? In bed in Jenny’s writing shed (considering it’s such a shithole she seems to get a lot of action in that shed). What? We see Jenny and Robin wake up and start their day with that kind of delicious lazy sex which turns into some serious shagging. Why nice? If you like it slow and tense, you’ve got it. If you like it fast and furious, you’ve got it. Something for everyone. Why not nice? I feel a bit sorry for Tim when he sees them at it through the window, but I get over it very quickly. HOT HOT HOT…

Who? Bette and Candace. Where? Against Bette’s office door. What? Holy smoke! These two are on fire in this episode! Candace follows Bette into her office after Bette gives her a lusty look in the gallery, but she makes sure that it’s Bette’s choice to do it again by making Bette close the door. Why nice? Candace overpowers Bette again and gives her exactly what she wants – it’s frantic, banging against the door fucking, with the danger if being caught at any time. Why not nice? Candace is wearing a scary crocodile skin waistcoat, but that’s a minor detail that you just have to look beyond. It follows so closely on from the hot hotel sex that it is doubly HOT HOT HOT…

Who? Bette and Tina. Where? In their bedroom. What? The provocations exhibition is over and Bette returns home to find Tina waiting for her, enraged because she knows that she’s been fucking Candace. Tina slaps her and screams “fuck you” many times before the two of them have the kind of sex that is just really hard to interpret – is it make-up sex or break-up sex? Why nice? It’s certainly intense and all about power – Tina wants to be the one in control and for Bette to fuck her how she wants her to. And it’s kind of cool to see Tina insist on taking control finally. Why not nice? There’s slapping, swearing and even some biting. Some people pay good money for that, but I think for most of us we know it’s not a good thing to see these two doing it. Not sexy, but very intense so I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to find it hot in some way, though I think most of us were probably more confused and shocked by it than turned on…

Overall Episode rating: This episode is the total sizzler of the season, definitely worthy of a HOT HOT HOT! rating overall.

Results

Well, the lines are closed and the votes are in. To summarise, Season One has many hot episodes, a couple of hot hot hot ones, a few colds and one ice cold. But what does that mean exactly? What’s the significance? Well, if enjoying remembering all the lovely sex scenes wasn’t enough for you, then you’re obviously just really hard to please and maybe you should have a word with yourself. But, I did promise to represent the results visually, so I have chosen to do this using a Venn diagram – a very useful tool designed by Madam Venn in 10 BC (Before Chaiken). I hope I’ve understood how to do it properly, but here goes…

A Venn Diagram of Our Results

Well…will you look at that? After all that scientific scoring and rating, analysing and discussing it just looks like a lovely pair of boobies doesn’t it?

now read .......... Season Two!

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online