Okay…here we go for the last recap of Season 3. Sob! It’s been a great one in my opinion, but I won’t go into that now. Look out for various articles coming soon such as “Season 3: The highs and the lows” and “The L Word Sex Scene: The change of the Seasons” and some other equally blandly titled, yet hopefully hilarious observations during the horrendous 9 month gap until next season. Anyway…on with this episode.

Well…I had already figured that this week’s ‘random act’ must be Alice and Lara, and it surely is. Alice is medicating again and answers her door to Lara in a way that implies that their ‘affair’ is lacking in both words and humour. She just comes in, they both whip off their tops and they start to kiss and caress each other. Then Alice asks Lara to scratch her. Lara doesn’t want to hurt Alice but Alice wants to be hurt. She wants Lara to make her bleed – she just wants to feel something. Now…I totally understand this scene…these two are comforting each other by trying to help each feel anything except grief, and also to feel some kind of connection to Dana. And it’s really well done and convincing in that respect…but is it supposed to be as hot as it is? Because despite all that, I am LOVING these two together. I can’t believe how fickle I am, but I’ve totally forgotten about Alice and Dana. It’s Alice and Lara all the way for me now!

Now, hopefully this is the last time I’m ever going to have to watch this intro sequence so I’m going to try and enjoy it for what it is. I’ve figured out that the only good thing to come of Dana dying (apart from the hot Alice and Lara sex) is that they can’t possibly keep the intro sequence next year as it is. Erin will have gone, another two people may have gone (no spoilers on that yet) – surely it would cost them just as much to edit out three whole people from all those scenes, as it would to just do a whole new sequence that people actually like?

The gang are hanging out at the Planet having a group chat about stuff. Lara has baked a cake and they all sit around discussing Shane and Carmen’s wedding, as it’s now six weeks later. What’s with all the sixes? 6 months later, 6 weeks later. All we need is a 6 days later and I’d be convinced the devil was at work here. They wonder whether Shane will go through with it. Seems that Helena has offered to pay for the whole thing, and it ain’t gonna be cheap either – it’s gonna be in some posh hotel in Whistler, Canada, and as well as hotel rooms she’s splashed out on fondue! Steady on Helena! Alice and Jenny also tell the gang that Shane is meeting her dad tomorrow – apparently his wife saw some article about Shane that Alice wrote and called her. In amongst all of this you can just about hear Lara asking Alice if she’s gonna see her later, as she puts her hand on Alice’s shoulder. This seems to freak Alice out a bit and she says she needs to leave. It seems quite sweet and tentative between the two of them, and Lara is looking v.cute in her chef’s uniform. Oh God, I have to stop thinking like this. It’s just too cruel on myself, as they’re bound to make it so these two are just friends and I’ll be disappointed all over again. Sigh. Anyway, Bette follows Alice to ask if she’s okay. She’s says she is, but she obviously isn’t as okay as she wants to be and Bette knows it and just gives her a hug. I like the new Bette – more of a caring spiritual side running in tandem with the powerful take-no prisoner's side we love so much.

Now the gang plus Carmen are in the bridal shop helping her choose a dress. Helena is on the phone and seems to be planning some kind of surprise for the wedding. They all talk about what kind of dress she should wear – totally femme or butch it up a little? How do you butch up a wedding dress I wonder? Maybe a white dress with a pair of rainbow braces and a pair of Birkenstocks? She then muses over whether or not she’s crazy to be trying to marry the most unobtainable person on the planet. I didn’t like to say anything Carmen, but now you’re asking; I think so.

Cut to Shane, stood on the street somewhere looking a bit lost. She decides to light a cigarette and leave, when her father taps her on the shoulder. Now this guy was fabulous casting for Shane’s dad. He’s just so Shane-like, yet in a smug way that I don’t really like. He tells her it’s okay and takes her to a café where he asks her about her job and her aspirations. But Shane’s not much into explaining her life to him and he admits he doesn’t like answering questions about himself either. Then he tells her to ask him a question, so she asks him why he wanted to meet her and he is honest when he replies that he didn’t – his wife made him. This seems to chill Shane a bit, but she’s still angry with him for ditching her when she was little.

Back at the bridal shop and Alice seems to have gained a new obsession – doing that thing with string that you do when you’re little – is it called cat’s cradle? You know – when you wrap it around your fingers and create a kind of web of connectivity! Ahah! I may have hit the symbolism on the head there! Someone asks Jenny what she wore when she got married and she, rather hilariously describes her ‘just had sex with Marina’ ripped tights outfit. Haha. Then they all discuss the dreams they had when they were young about their weddings. Bette talks about the fabulous dresses that her and Tina would’ve worn if they had got married. Jenny asks why they didn’t and Bette replies that Tina thought it would be too conventional and that she didn’t want to “cleave to the heterosexual paradigm” (whatever the fuck that means), to which Alice replies “well now it’s cleaving all over her”. Wah! And also yuck! Didn’t they mention cleaving in Season 1? I’m sure it was some kind of sex thing. Carmen then says “come back to us Tina! Come back to our side” to which Bette replies “fuck that - they can have her.” I’m just so relieved they’re all finally talking about it! Helena then offers Bette a fabulous dress and tells her to try it. Subtle Helena. Surprisingly Bette doesn’t want to. Her mouth is saying “fuck Tina”, but her heart is not convinced.

Back with Shane and her dad. They’re talking about his work – turns out he hurt his back a while ago and explains that they both have long backs and a tendency to slump. Well Shane certainly does. Could she be sat any lower in that chair? He then mentions that he used to come and watch her in the church playground when she was a kid and he had noticed how she always looked slumped over and pissed off. She wants to know how come he never came to talk to her. Seems that at that time he was the same as Shane was before she got together with Carmen – just interested in getting high and getting laid. She seems to have this look on her face like – ‘we’re the same’. He says he’d probably still be living that life if his friend hadn’t overdosed. She tells him about losing Dana and he holds her hand in sympathy. It’s really cute actually. Then he asks her to come home with him for dinner to meet his wife and his son Shay! She has a brother named after her! How cute.

At the Planet Bette is having lunch with Joyce Wishnia. They’re discussing how best Bette can deal with spending time with Tina when they go to the wedding. Joyce is basically telling Bette to be civil and pleasant until Tina finds out she’s going for sole custody. Whatever happens – don’t cause a scene! I don’t think Bette is very good at not making a scene, but it will be fun to watch her trying not to. Then Bette says she’s going to take the Dean job at the art school and Joyce comments that it will be a great way to pull in the chicks! All those pretty young art students! But Bette would never do anything like that – it would be completely unethical. Damn Bette – lose those ethics. That’s going on my wish list for Season 4. Then Kit comes to the table in a whirlwind of panic demanding to speak to Bette. So of they go to the bathroom where Kit shows her a test stick. It takes Bette a while to figure out what it means – Kit’s pregnant. But Bette points out she needs to do more than one, upon which Kit steps away from in front of the sink and reveals she’s done way more than just one! She’s done a whole pile! Bette, and the whole audience say their first “fuck!” of the episode.

Jenny and Max are at some dinner party with what I assume are Max’s work colleagues. So he obviously took the job. Jenny is clearly not into it all and is in her own little world as the conversation goes from “quantum photon chips” to “navigating documentation for IT process best practices”. Yawn. Jenny is actually spelling something out with her food – what it is I don’t know – it looks a bit like a sideways ‘fuck’. Anyway, they all have a good polite laugh about how the wives at the table often think about other things when they’re listening to the men talking about work. And then Jenny wades in with the fact that she was thinking about how she plans to write a piece about how she used to masturbate 20 times a day when she was a kid. WTF? Such a weird thing to say at a totally inappropriate time, but I kind of like that she did that. A good way to spice up an otherwise dull dinner party! But – I’ve gone from liking these two together to wishing they’d just split up already. If Jenny hates Max having this job so much then why the hell has she gone to the dinner party?
Shane is having dinner with her new family. She plays a game with Shay and they seem to be getting on really well. Then the wife starts quizzing her about her job and then asks if Chase (her partner in the skate shop) is her boyfriend too. Shane says no and then tells them all that she’s getting married next week. Of course the dad then asks “and what does HE do?” to which she replies “SHE’s a dj. Her name’s Carmen.” It’s a bit awkward for a few seconds and then it’s okay. They seem cool with the fact that Shane’s gay and they even want to come to the wedding, which Shane is happy about. Yippee! Shane’s got a family!

At the radio station, Alice (who knew she still had that radio job? I thought she was dead to her producer) waffles on about true connections between people, marriage and moral fibre. And while she’s doing that she seems to miraculously create a proper web of connectivity with her string. Then as she keeps talking we see shots of Canada looking fabulous and snowy.

And up pulls a big limousine, out of which steps Alice, Shane, Carmen, Helena and Peggy! Helena and Peggy certainly seem fairly close and pally – that’s nice. As they enter the hotel, Carmen is shocked to discover her whole family stood in the reception area – all wearing matching outfits and looking like total tourists. Carmen looks shocked and a bit pissed off, and then happy. Okay – it’s lovely that they came and all, but how the fuck did Helena manage that? I mean, I know she’s a nicer person this season, but she still doesn’t have the best people skills in the world. How did she persuade that homophobic matriarch to change her opinions about their relationship, let alone accept that they’re getting married? Nice fantasy, but totally unrealistic. And then Helena gets introduced as the one who invited them all and payed for EVERYTHING for them. And while she gets hugged to death, Peggy comments to Alice that “it must grow on trees” – me thinks she’s pissed off that Helena is flashing her money around so much and getting all the credit for it. Anyway…Carmen’s family drag her off to see the sights, and the others wander off into the hotel. You know…this whole thing reminds me of a fan fiction I read ages ago called “Snow Bunnies” about when all the gang went skiing for the weekend. It was really fun and I always thought how cool it would be to see them all somewhere cold rather than somewhere that is always hot like LA. But I’ve gotta say – their outfits are not how I imagined they would be. They all look a bit too covered up and mismatched, and poor pale undernourished Shane just looks like a ghost in front of all that snow.

Cut to the ski slopes and Max slides up on a snowboard and asks Jenny if she wants to have a go. I know I’ve said it before but, hello! Do you know Jenny at all? What’s the point in asking her to do that? She’s got to be the most unsporty person I have ever seen. So of course Jenny says no and she looks pissed off that he even asked. I wonder why he is being so nice to her after the ‘masturbation’ incident and why she is even bothering with him anymore. Just break up already. Oh and also – 2nd most unrealistic moment of the episode – how come Max (who has always lived in some backwater town in the middle of nowhere) can snowboard like a pro? Just cause he’s a guy now doesn’t mean he automatically has snowboard skills. They missed an opportunity in this episode to have at least one of them, preferably comedy Alice, be really bad at skiing and fall over lots.

Anyway, Jenny sits moodily reading her book, and soon gets accosted by some French woman. We know she’s French because she’s wearing a floppy hat and has a totally unintelligible accent. Seems that Jenny doesn’t like skiing cause she can’t be bothered with all the equipment. I would’ve thought that would turn her on, but as always she’s happier being over analytical and pensive than having fun on the slopes. Luckily for Jenny though, this French woman is just as bad as her at being moody and over analytical and she’s also so obviously looking for a shag! Within 10 seconds they’re talking about sex. Suddenly Jenny seems turned on by something and it ain’t the skiing. They witter on about gay travel destinations, but I zone out as it’s too much effort to focus on what the woman is saying, so I just stare at Jenny, who is actually looking hot with her hair all flowing and her lips all pink.

And then we see them in bed and it’s all a bit too euro porn for me – there’s lots of talk about writing, French stuff (that I don’t understand but sounds sexy), long French cigarettes and most importantly, lots of pouring of wine and licking of nipples. Let’s just say that Jenny seems to have a good time in a way she hasn’t done with Max for a while!

Next we see Bette and Tina on a sleigh ride with Angelica. They all seem to be getting along great until Tina comments that it’s an amazing experience for Angelica, just like her first step, which it turns out that Bette missed cause she was on retreat. For a second it gets stressful, but then Bette seems to decide to back down and actually it’s the first time in ages that they both seem to be making an effort and not getting their wires totally crossed and snapping at each other. I see a tiny light of a hope up ahead!

The gang minus Carmen are all together in the hotel for Shane’s bachelor’s party. Jenny’s looking smug and ‘I just got fucked’ and contradicts nearly everything Max says throughout the evening. Helena and Peggy are being weird together – I think Helena is teasing Peggy about the fact that Peggy thinks Helena is gay because she never had enough attention from her mother (but I only think this because I’ve seen a scene that was cut from this episode – why they cut it out I don’t know. If I hadn’t seen that scene I would just think it was plain weird when Helena makes some comment about settling into Peggy’s ample bosom). Kit tells Angus that she’s pregnant as she stereotypically tucks into the buffet with gusto. He is of course totally excited about it, but does a pretty good job at saying the right things to keep her calm and let her know it’s her choice and there’s no pressure, while making it clear that he would LOVE to keep it. Will she keep it? Cliffhanger!!!
Alice and Jenny give a speech about their friend Shane, which is very funny and touching. Jenny thanks her for convincing her to cut off her long hair and NOT making it look like hers. Alice then comments that her hair has grown back fast though, which I hope is a little kind of nod to the chatrooms that had various threads about the length of Jenny’s hair at the beginning of the season. It’s funny anyhow. Then Alice thanks her for saving her from going home with ‘that girl’ that night and as a friend taking her home instead. They also mention the two piece leather outfit she wore in the pilot episode. That was a shocker that outfit. The gang all toast her and then they talk about kids, and Shane surprises everyone by saying she’d love kids, and then she gets all deep and talks about being lucky to experience all different kinds of love. During this there’s a subtle, yet I like to think loving, look between Bette and Tina. At the end Alice lightens the tone again by introducing herself to Shane as if to say ‘who are you and what have you done to the old Shane?’. And then the bachelor party gets REALLY annoying. Carmen has given Shane a gift of two strange women performing “Pussy 101”. It’s just totally cringey and even worse when we have to watch the gang all dancing as if they are loving every minute of it. I have to say, that was just the low point of the whole season for me and if those 2 minutes was the reason why so many important scenes got cut from this episode they need to seriously rethink their editing. But it did teach me a thing or two about oral sex, so I’m not gonna slag it off too much more. But really, are we meant to believe that Shane of all people needs this ‘lesson’ in how to please her woman? Not likely. Not in my imagination anyway.

Bette and Tina have left the party (Angelica is really too young to hear all that pussy talk just yet) and are heading back to their rooms. Bette says once again how happy she is that they spent the evening together and that they’ve got along. And Tina says that’s what she wants for them – to get along as a family and to be able to do family things together. She hopes that one day they may even be able to take vacations together. And then they hug and Bette looks kind of hopeful and happy and Tina looks kind of relieved and happy. Once Bette is back inside her room she calls Joyce and tells her to wait to send the letter to Tina’s lawyer about sole custody – she’s changed her mind and thinks that it would be better to have joint custody. But of course she’s speaking to an answer phone, so I think we can all guess where this is gonna lead.

Alice has left the party too and is staggering drunkenly towards Lara’s room. She knocks and is greeted with a smile and a kiss from the lovely Lara. Alice wants to come in but Lara wants to talk about what’s happening between them. And that’s the end of that because Alice doesn’t want to talk and so she just leaves. Boo!

Shane is outside Carmen’s door – she wants to show her what she was taught by ‘She and Goddess’ and proceeds to pin her up against the door of the room. Embarrassingly for some, Shane’s dad and his wife appear at that moment and they all get introduced. It’s all quite sweet, except Gabriel seems to greet Carmen with a growl rather than a hello. Odd. Anyway, the wives are tired and ready for bed, but the McCutcheons are both night owls and off they stroll hand in hand to the bar. I think it’s great they are getting on so well, but it does seem a bit unrealistic to me that they would get so close so quickly.

The next day Shane’s dad and his wife sit having a drink while Shane, Bette and Helena go off skiing. But before she goes Helena tells them that if there’s anything they need, just ask her. I think it’s great that she’s being so generous but she‘s really flashing the cash about too much isn’t she?

Alice is on her own, looking at a kind of rope slide thing that people are doing. Along comes a lady named Marilyn to talk to her. Alice points out Max and Shane on the slope below – Marilyn assumes they’re both boys but Alice explains who they are. Marilyn then explains that she is the marriage commissioner who’s going to be doing their wedding tonight. They then take a walk - Alice has told her about Dana and presumably about what’s happening with Lara. Alice then asks her about her lovelife and it seems that Marilyn has only slept with two women. The first was called Terri and she met her at a women’s group in the 70s. Hold on! Wah! This is Marilyn! The first link on the chart! But then to top it off, it seems that the second women she slept with was “an heiress…who then jetted off to London to marry some penniless aristocrat”!!!!!! That has got to be the one and only PP! Fabulous! It seems that Peggy broke Marilyn’s heart and she went straight back in the closet for another 15 years! I think this wedding is gonna be interesting!

Yay! Henry has arrived. I’d missed him this episode – so glad he’s in Canada at last. This lesbian drama just didn’t feel complete without him there did it? Anyway – he seems to think that standing at the reception desk is a good time to tell Tina that he thinks it’s a mistake to let Bette adopt Angelica. If that happens then Henry would never be able to be Angelica’s legal father. But good old Tina – she is adamant that it’s the right thing to do, and that her and Henry just aren’t there yet. She makes it clear to him that Bette is Angelica’s rightful parent and he just has to deal with it. Yay! But no sooner have I finished whooping, if only for the fact that it seems that the old Tina is back, she gets a fax, and of course it’s the fax that none of us, particularly Bette wanted her to get. And boy does she look mad!

Bette and Helena share a ski lift and seem to be getting on quite well. Until Bette’s phone rings – it’s Joyce telling her that she didn’t get the message in time and that Tina has received the stuff about the sole custody. This is then followed by a FUCK, 4 SHITS, FUCK, SHIT, DAMMIT, SHIT, I CANNOT SKI FUCKING MOGULS, a quick phone call to Tina explaining the mix up and then a final two FUCKS!!!!!!!! I love it when Bette swears – it’s like poetry to my ears when she says fuck.

Alice is all hooked up to the zip slide thingymabob – I do love her in a harness. Marilyn has decided to stop marrying other people and find someone to marry her. Alice has decided to stop medicating herself with sex and drugs and to let herself feel again – and to talk to Lara. And off she goes - into the abyss. HOLY SHIT!!!!! AAAAAH!!!! Hehe. She even slides funny that woman.

The next scene is totally random, so I’m gonna recap the deleted scene I saw – it showed Shane coming out of her hotel room fiddling with her cuffs – as if she was going to ask her dad for help with them. But she sees him walking down the corridor with a bag. So she follows him. Cut to the scene in the episode where she watches him kissing some woman in the hotel bar. As they both get up to leave Shane asks him who she is. And of course he has no idea what her name is – that’s not important. The blonde hair and the big tits are important. He apologises and says he’s not proud of this, it’s just who he his. And then to turn the knife he says “I know you know what I’m talking about” and off he goes.

At the wedding chapel, everyone is sitting down or arriving. It’s really beautiful and everyone looks fab. Jenny rather selfishly has invited her French friend to sit with her and Max – in fact she sits with Jenny and Max has to sit in another aisle. And of course, Peggy approaches Marilyn and says “I think we know one another – 1974!” I’m so pleased with this whole chart thing – if anything it just gives me hope that the writers are able to carry on an idea throughout a season. And of course, the concept of Peggy having once been a proper lesbian is just too delicious!

Bette arrives and approaches Tina, who obviously didn’t get the phone message or is at least not placated by it. Tina is REALLY angry and even though she hushes Henry when he speaks for her, she goes on the attack and says that she doesn’t want Bette adopting her daughter and that her and Henry are thinking of starting a family and they want Angelica to be a full part of that. Basically everything she could say to upset Bette. But Bette tells her not do it – “I’m warning you”. Uhoh. Daggers have been drawn.

Finally the ceremony starts and Carmen begins to walk down the aisle with her mum. But here’s Alice, looking too foxy in a shirt and waistcoat, to tell Carmen that Shane is not coming – she has asked Alice to tell Carmen that she doesn’t expect her to forgive her and she’s not proud of it, it’s just who she is. Oh crap. She let that bastard get to her. If only Shane could see what we see – that she’s so much more than just a playa. She’s Shane for WAX! Everyone cries and looks shocked and gutted. Carmen tells her mum that she doesn’t want to look for her – she knows what happened and now she just wants to go home and be with her family. Goodbye Carmen; there were highs and lows and there was an amazing ass, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Jenny and Frenchy and Max are in the bar – Jenny plans to get really drunk and then dance with Frenchy but max says it’s a straight bar and it’ll make people uncomfortable. Frenchy questions why Max feels like that and Max gets angry with her – good for you Max. How the fuck does she know he’s not like all the people in the bar? And then Jenny hammers it home – Max is different and always will be – he’s like them and he’ll never be ‘normal’ and he should embrace it. I agree with Jenny but she’s been harsh this episode and she seems to have undone all the good she did when she first got together with Moira, and now poor old Max looks lost and alone in that bar. Is that goodbye to Max too I wonder? I can’t quite see how he’ll fit in without being with Jenny, but I wouldn’t be upset if he came back next season – if this show has to have guys in it I think Angus and Max are better than most.

Alice and Lara sit outside playing with Alice’s string and they are finally having a conversation with each other. How cute does Lara look in that hat? Lara talks about her brothers and sisters. Then, just as Alice starts to say how glad she is that they’re finally talking Lara says “I need to tell you something” but gets interrupted by Tina and Henry. Damn straight people! What was she going to say? Cliffhanger!!!

They discuss the debacle of the evening. Alice is explaining to them that Shane’s dad found $10,000, left his wife and ran off with some floozy, just as Helena and Peggy approach and hear it too. It turns out that Helena gave him the $10,000 to buy Shane a wedding gift as he had no money. She tries to explain to Peggy why she did it, but Peggy is leaving and so chooses this moment to say that she has cherished the time they’ve spent together and that it has made her see that she needs to do something truly radical to help Helena – she’s cutting her off financially! Wah! Fabulous! She wants Helena to be able to form relationships with people who love her for her and not for her money. Helena looks sick. How will she cope? Cliffhanger!!! And off Peggy trots, getting into her limousine to greet Marilyn and a rather raunchy kiss. And then we see the chart that’s been shown to us this season, with extras added on here and there.

Tina and Henry get back to their room and are surprised that Angelica isn’t there with the nanny. But there’s a note – her other mother has come for her! Tina calls Bette and shouts into her answer machine that this is not okay. Where are they? Cut to Bette in the car with Angelica, face in shadow, assuring her (and herself I think) that everything is going to be okay. And we see the car taillights driving off into the distance. Will they ever come back? Will they drive off the edge of the Grand Canyon? Cliffhanger!!!

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