Los Angeles , 7 months ago…drat. I was wrong. It’s not Alice and Helena. Okay, paint over that quickly then…so this episode’s ‘random’ act is a continuation of last weeks…we hear the piano player again and then see Dana leaving Alice’s apartment, sobbing, then Alice coming out and sobbing as she watches her walk away. The chart goes from Bette – Alice – Dana and then focuses just on Dana as we see her walking down the steps and getting into Lara’s car, and the chart links Dana – Lara. That’s a bit insensitive isn’t it? Getting a lift from Lara to go and break up with Alice ? Anyway, Dana hates being the one to hurt Alice. Lara leans in to kiss Dana but she says she’s not ready. She didn’t break up with her for Lara. So at least now we know that they haven’t been screwing around behind Alice ’s back. Lara says she can wait – they have all the time in the world. Famous last words. Hang on – maybe I’m being anal, but didn’t last week’s say 7 1/2 months ago? How did it take Dana 15 days to walk from one end of Alice ’s apartment to another? Assuming this week’s episode is later in time than last weeks, it should even be longer than 7 1/2 months shouldn’t it? There I go again – trying to find logic and meaning in what was probably just a typo by some intern at Showtime. I remember the days of ‘On location for with Burr Connors’ or whatever his name was. Let’s not focus on that Deb…onto the show! I daren’t make any predictions for next week…whatever will be will be. No, sod that….I predict Lara – Carmen, Carmen – Shane, Shane – Jenny/Bette. I don’t know why…it’s as good a guess as any! And after such a ‘cheery’ beginning I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the rest of the show!

Intro – um…no. Really can’t think of anything to say anymore. I’ve been trying all week to think of something and hoped I would be inspired now, but it just ain’t happening. I still like Alice on the motorbike, still like Moirax’s eyes, still like to sing different lyrics to the music. I’m soooooooooo over the whole thing now. Seriously – I can accept the same song, but if they don’t have new pictures for next season’s intro they’re showing themselves up to be right tight bastards. If Dana dies I refuse to keep watching her on the back of that motorbike every week. That would be too cruel. It was much easier to say something about the Season 1 intro - I liked picking a new word each week.

Here’s Bette, still doing meditation circle time. If she wasn’t wearing a different outfit I’d be worried she had been walking round and round all night from the look of her. She looks dishevelled, tired, lost…yet still sexy. You’ve gotta love JB for that! She does look like she’s really struggling with something though. You know, like inside…with her feelings. I hope she does have a true epiphany. That would be cool to watch.

Helena and Dylan are having lunch with Helena’s kids. They’re having a short visit. It kind of freaks me out that they use phrases like “still on East Coast time”. How old are they? I don’t think I had any concept of even the most basic things at that age, let alone the whole crazy concept of ‘time’! I mean, I still don’t really understand datelines at age 30. Where do the days go when you lose them? Is there a place where they wait until you go back the other way and get to take a day back again? Anyway…Dylan is being friendly but then freaks out a bit when Helena touches her arm. Jeez Helena , get a room. Arm-touching in public is so risqué!

Alice and Dana are walking down the street and Dana is like a whole new person – she’s being really upbeat and positive about everything. Seems that she’s going for a new job being a sports commentator or something like that. Alice gets confused about what it all means and she’s cute, and Dana finds it cute. And I find it cute. It’s just generally cute. Dana is definitely feeling the Alice vibe again I think. Too late Dana – you had your chance – she’s mine now! Oops, sorry – got a bit overexcited there! She’s even able to joke about how looking at a bald mannequin in a shop window is like looking into a mirror. Dana tells Alice that she likes ‘doing stuff’ with her – Alice is her favourite person to ‘do stuff with’. Who knows what she’s getting at here? Is she just being cute and happy and enjoying being with her friend or is she falling in love with Alice again? Alice looks just as confused – she asks Dana if she misses Lara. She does, but says it’s different with Alice. I guess it’s really hard for both of them to figure out what’s going on here now. But they’re together as friends, that’s for sure. And that makes us all happy.

Max and Jenny put up posters at the Planet for Max’s top surgery benefit party. Jenny says they should’ve called the night ‘Take My Breasts Away’ to go with the 80s theme. That’s funny Jenny! You should be a writer. Kit comes over and calls Max “girl”, but Max takes offence at this. Angus says that she even calls him girl sometimes. Well, I can believe that. He’s not very manly is he? Anyway…Kit gives Max her twopence worth about his transition. I’ m slightly distracted by Max’s facial hair. It’s obviously fake on Daniela, but is it supposed to be fake or real on Max? Because it looks REALLY fake. It looks like a hamster crawled out and died on her chin. I just about manage to concentrate long enough to get that Kit is questioning Max about why he needs to change his body – Max will be giving up being a woman, which is the greatest gift you can have. Why can’t Max just be a strong butchy butch instead? She has some good arguments – she’s obviously just hoping to make Max think more clearly about it. Max seems to be a bit upset and it’s made him think. Maybe. Or maybe they just wanted Kit to have a decent set of lines. Well she did do them well.

Alice and Dana are at the Planet too, meeting Dr Susan Love – breast cancer specialist. Alice does a flirty “why thank you Doctor Love” when she signs her book, but the rest of the scene is a bit cringey, though very interesting; she talks about the research she’s doing. It’s just one of those scenes where you can tell there’s someone in it who isn’t an actor. Dana wants to help in any way she can – doing something productive will give her a new lease on life. Bless.

Next up we have a shot of booby cakes on a tray, and of course it’s Alice who’s carrying them. She’s arrived at WAX where they’re preparing for the party. Is that all they ever do at WAX? Have parties? In fact, has a week gone by when they didn’t have a party in an episode? For a group of friends with so little to celebrate, they have an awful lot of parties. Shane tries to help Carmen, but she’s still mad at Shane. She doesn’t like that Shane doesn’t want to have sex with her and hasn’t come for ages. Carmen thinks that the commitment is freaking Shane out. I think she might be right, and from the look on Shane’s face I think she’s does too.  

Then they all gather and have a conversation about their prom nights. Carmen went to a porn festival after hers! I so need to live in LA! When does that happen to real people? Alice is super impressed by this of course, as is Jenny. It turns her on I imagine. Shane never went to the prom. Max did – he went with the captain of the football team. It’s all happy happy but then Max gets stroppy at Jenny for sticking a cardboard dick inside the pants of some kind of ‘pin the dick on the tranny’ type game she’s made. I get what they’re trying to do here…Max is getting angry – too much testosterone etc. But the problem is, even though I do like Daniela Sea and I think she acts well, I think she does angry really bad. I like to think this is because she is just such a lovely and calm person that she finds it hard to be convincingly angry, but I’m really not feeling scared by her ‘violent’ or ‘angry’ outbursts.

Back at the monastery, Bette is given an opportunity to speak about how she’s feeling, but even though she looks like she REALLY needs to have a good old rant, she doesn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone who so obviously needs to speak!
Tina and Helena are with their kids in the swimming pool. They have a swim instructor there, and a guy arrives with his son to take the lesson as well. His name is Henry. He’s kind of cute and his son is cute and Tina gets all flirty. Just because she wants to fuck a man are we supposed to believe that she’s attracted to every single man she meets? He’s all manly and strong and she can see all his muscles, which I think is enough for her now. Tina asks if he can help Angelica because “she loves being around men”. Is she actually using Angelica as a dating aid? That’s bad taste. I do notice though that this guy is the guy who played Ellen’s old friend and potential boyfriend in the famous Puppy Episode. In my own version of the Chart, I figure out that if he and Tina shag, then I am going to be linked to Ellen in like four moves! Basically, I shook hands with Laurel at the L Word Convention (we shared a ‘moment’ with that handshake), so Me – Laurel – actor guy  - Ellen. Oooh actually, I can do it with Rachel Shelley too! Me – Rachel (same as above) – Alexandra Hedison – Ellen. How cool is that? I love Ellen. Anyway…that aside is my way of putting a silver lining on this big grey looming cloud. 

Shane and Carmen are spending time at her family’s home. Carmen is still pissed off about Shane not wanting to have sex and makes some comment in English about “back in the day when I used to go down on you”. Shane gives her a death stare. I don’t blame her - Carmen is being really annoying. Her Grandma notices Shane’s tattoo, and Carmen’s mum then notices it too and that it’s the same as Carmen’s. Carmen notices that she has noticed too, and also notices that her mum immediately asks Shane to come to dinner the next night as there is someone she wants her to meet. There’s lots of subtle noticing of things in this scene. And I notice that Carmen looks even more annoyed than before, if you can believe that possible.

The gang are at the party, which is bad 80s themed fancy dress. Tina’s hair is truly scary, as is her dress, but I guess that’s the point. Helena just looks hot in a black suit. Alice waves at some girl who is offering kisses for money – apparently her name is Chandra and she has asked Alice out. Helena and Tina encourage Alice to go out with her; they say Dana will be fine. Cut to Dana having a conversation with a guy (if he used to be a girl he must have been a REALLY macho girl) who has had top surgery – they compare notes about their scars. Dana looks really funny in her outfit – though it looks like it’s gonna strangle her if it goes any higher up her neck. When you’re busy fighting cancer the last thing you want is to be strangled to death by a bad dress at a bad party. Dr Love should put that in her book.

Max comes over to see the girls and Tina says she wants a dance with him. He points out the kissing booth. Tina seems to ponder this possibility for a second and then decides it just ain’t her thing anymore. Another subtle clue that she isn’t into women anymore. Another clue that all of her close friends miss. Anyway, this woman has her eye on Alice she says, just as Dana comes over. Dana acts like she’s totally cool with it, but she obviously isn’t and she wanders off. Alice reluctantly goes over to speak to Chandra (another crazy named girlfriend for our favourite nutter?).

Tina and Max have a rather awkward looking slow dance, though with her big hair and his terrible stuck-on facial hair I’m just surprised they can get within three feet of each other without risking some kind of nasty Velcro incident. This 80s themed party is like a potential deathtrap for our girls tonight. At the same time Jenny is dancing with ‘some dude’ – I’m not even gonna guess if it’s a man or a woman. Max spots her and goes over being all macho and “you’re my girlfriend” possessive. Still not convincingly angry, but he does grab her by the wrist which is harsh, so I guess I feel a bit like he’s got a temper on him. Jenny storms off, and Shane tells Max “don’t hurt her. Or I’ll fucking cut your tit off!” Emphasis on the I’ll. Go Shane! Max goes to find her (by the way – how great is Jenny’s costume? Made even funnier by the fact that she’s wearing her big writing glasses!). Max apologises and tries to explain. Jenny explains that she hasn’t ruled out being with a guy in the future, but she won’t be with a macho aggressive guy. Max REALLY apologises and promises to be a better man, but Jenny doesn’t look at all convinced by this. I can’t help feeling that Jenny doesn’t need all this shit after the shit year she had last year.

Tina gets a call from Henry – he’s a bit keen isn’t he? He has obviously invited her and Angelica to do something tomorrow, to which she seems surprised, yet pleased.

Shane and Carmen queue up to have their photo taken. Shane is smiling about something her mum told her about Carmen, which pisses Carmen off even more. She’s pissed off that her mum invited Shane to dinner and that she’s so intimate with her family and not with her. I don’t think that’s true Carmen. If she were then your mother would look much happier than she usually does. Plus it would just be plain wrong wrong wrong. Both of them let it go for the time being. It seems that Shane has picked up some Spanish and could tell that they were a bit freaked out about the matching tattoos. She then announces that she’s thinking of taking Spanish lessons, which pleases Carmen no end. She just can’t make her mind up about what she wants can she? Anyway, they go up to get their photos taken and are all happy again. The others then get their photos taken too – Alice and Dana look especially cute (no surprise there then) – pulling funny ‘80s’ faces and poses.

Kit and Angus have a conversation at the Planet about Angus’ ‘proposal’ at the studio. Kit basically says she would marry him if she would marry anyone. BUT! She won’t get married when her gay friends and family aren’t allowed the same privilege. At first I wonder if this is just a good excuse, but I don’t think it is. She’s serious, and I love her for it, and so does Angus. So he accepts that but then starts on straight away about living together. One word: clingy!
Max tells Jenny about how much money they raised. Not enough basically – it won’t even pay for one tit! Max wants to know where all of Jenny’s rich friends were. Does he know Jenny? What rich friends? Then he sends the money flying off the table, but again it’s in a really unconvincing way – he’s trying so hard to be angry but it just doesn’t fit right on him. Jenny doesn’t take any of his shit and questions who will be inside the new body? The old lovely Moira or the new angry Max? Then Jenny throws the money, and it’s much more scary than when Max did it, and that just shows how badly Max did it because Jenny throws it like she really means it. And she says “motherfucking monster”.

Tina and Henry are at the beach, and Tina talks about her feelings for Bette. Wow! I wasn’t expecting her to be so honest with him so soon. He’s really sweet though and I like him, but I don’t want to because I think that Tina’s gonna fuck him and by rights I should hate him. Anyway, from this convo it’s quite clear that Tina isn’t in love with Bette anymore and that she just doesn’t know how to end it without hurting her. I guess it’s good she’s talking about it, but I do wonder why she’s telling this to some complete stranger rather than one of her friends?

Bette goes to take an outside shower at the monastery, but even the sight of a naked chick coming out of the cubicle next to her doesn’t snap her out of her funk. Where’s the Bette we know and love? The one at the opera! Thank goodness they showed that flashback clip of Bette and Alice because otherwise, ‘JB as love god’ would be dead in the water by now after all this Mama B and Buddhist stuff. Anyway, she decides against the shower, I’m assuming so that we know she’s just so depressed she can’t be bothered to wash. I’ve so been there sista.

Helena and Dylan are in Dylan’s studio. Dylan is filming Helena and basically manipulates Helena into a position where she thinks she’s taking part in a sex game of “I’m the boss and you have to do what I tell you”. It all gets recorded, including her being coy and saying “no” and Helena saying the worst things possible like “you’re not gonna get anything out of me ‘til you do what I tell you. You’re gonna fuck me and you’re gonna love every second.“ Oh dear. I can’t watch this scene – it’s like when you can see someone is about to fall down a huge hole but they’re too far away to shout at them to warn them and you kind of end up watching it in slow motion. It’s not good at all. Dylan is one sly fox and I am screaming at Helena to just shut the fuck up. But she doesn’t, and even the sight of Dylan’s nipple isn’t enough to make me feel better.
Dinner with Carmen’s family and her mother is trying to set Shane up with some guy she invited to dinner. She’s being so blatant about it and Carmen has had enough and actually says “she’s my girlfriend”. I really wish I spoke Spanish, as I got the gist of this scene but I wish I knew exactly what they had all said. Especially the Grandma. It seems like she’s saying it’s okay, but I wish I knew. Anyway, she tells them to get out of her house so they go, though Shane seems more interested in speaking to her mother than following Carmen out.

Helena leaves Dylan’s apartment talking about how she’s gonna put her own money into Dylan’s film as she believes in it so much. And Dylan gets ‘guilt face’ and I’m not at all surprised when Danny comes out of another room and asks how it went. Damn, I wish they hadn’t given such a massive hint about this in last week’s preview. It could’ve been a right shocker that. I suppose it’s my own fault for watching the previews, but if it’s there who the hell has the willpower to resist watching it?

Dana is on the sofa watching TV when Alice drops off some DVDs so she can keep busy while she’s on her date. Dana is doing that ‘I’m fine with it. <snidey comment>. I’m fine with it’ thing – I’m screaming at them both just to be honest with each other, but I guess they think they have ‘all the time in the world’. Instead Dana pretends she’s fine about her going on a date, but really she obviously isn’t. It’s that total awkward ‘we’re not a couple, but I respect you’re feelings, but I have to get on with my life, but should I?’ thing. It’s very realistic really, just maybe complicated too much by the cancer. Dana finally lets Alice leave but looks sad as hell when she’s gone. And they play sad piano music after Alice says “have a good night”. I’m sensing that Dana isn’t going to have a good night at all. Damn those previews.

Tina and Henry say goodbye to each other. It’s all a bit awkward between Tina and Henry, and then they kiss. And Tina asks him to stay for dinner. By dinner does she mean sex I wonder?

Cut to Bette at the monastery, desperately trying to meditate, but doing a lot of crying instead. She is REALLY sad.
Helena takes a walk in her backyard, e.g. the beach. She’s trying to get in touch with Dylan who isn’t answering her phone. Suspicious. And then some guy wanders up and serves her papers from the law offices of Scam, Manipulate and Blackmail to say that Dylan is suing her for sexual harassment. Hang on – she was with her only this afternoon and now she’s being served papers? On a Sunday? Helena is speechless and barely manages a “god”. I think I’d say more than that.

Alice is on her date with Chandra, whose hair isn’t much better than it was at the party – I thought that had been an 80s wig! She’s sweet, but she’s not Dana so she sucks as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, they’re talking about their annoying mothers, and then the subject of ‘being friends with your ex’ comes up – Chandra has done it successfully it would seem. But then Dana calls. Twice. The first time I’m not sure why, but the second time she calls to say she’s really sick and can Alice come home. So she leaves, with an awkward goodbye to Chandra.

Alice arrives at Dana’s to find her shivering on the couch and generally not looking good at all. Alice panics a bit, but Dana stays calm and tells her to call the doctor.

Shane and Carmen are at home discussing what happened with her family. Shane is really pissed off and seems on her mother’s side. Carmen is even more pissed off. Shane shouts out that she doesn’t want to lose Carmen’s family, and Carmen says “what do you know about family?” Shane looks like she’s been slapped in the face, just as the phone rings. It’s Alice telling her that Dana is in the hospital with an infection.

Back at the house and Tina seems to have left Henry waiting for her in the bedroom while she has put the kids to sleep. So this is really gonna happen then? Shit! And in the bedroom she shares with Bette? The only saving grace is that it isn’t in the bed, but banging up against the door is bad enough. Oh and Tina won’t let him go down on her, she doesn’t want that. What doesn’t she want I wonder? The intimacy or the ‘lesbian sex act’? It’s hard to tell, but I like to think that it’s because noone could ever do it as good as Bette. I feel sick now.

And then to add pain to the whole situation, as Tina and Henry are at it in the bedroom, Bette sneaks down to the lake and calls Angelica, leaving a message for her about how much she misses her and how empty she feels without her. No mention of Tina but I guess she wants her to hear it too. She cries and I cry and then…

We see Dana being wheeled off on a gurney, begging Alice not to go. Alice says she’s gonna be right there waiting for her. And it ends and the music is sad and stupidly I watch the preview for next week and I don’t think I’m gonna be able to take it. Damn previews.

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.

Episode Index