Oh my God! We finally get to see the Dana and Alice break-up scene! This week’s random act takes place 7½ months ago in Alice ’s apartment. We still don’t get to hear the reasons, but it’s just nice to see the drama! I know it’s a stereotype, but I do love the drama! Clearly it’s all of Dana’s doing – Alice says she doesn’t know if she can live without Dana, and Dana is the strong one saying “you can”. But either way, they share a passionate kiss and the chart connects them, but then disconnects them as Dana says she can’t and she leaves. Two things to say – how cute does Alice look in that green tank top? And who is the woman across the courtyard playing the piano and singing? It adds atmosphere to the scene, but it’s all a bit Rear Window for me. Now I’m really wondering where this is going to go next week. Presumably to Lara, but then where does it go the week after that? I will tell you my main hunch – or at least by mate’s hunch that I agree with strongly – the chart went from Alice to Dana, but then back to Alice . So we’re thinking next week it could be Alice – Helena. A little dalliance we knew nothing about during Alice ’s drug induced state maybe? Anyway, I have all sorts of theories bubbling in my head, but I’m not going to say them all here in case I’m right and the people at Showtime hunt me down and silence me. Also, it means that whatever happens I can claim that I suspected it all along. Such is a recapper’s prerogative.

This week’s intro is rather uneventful for me, but I do laugh when I notice Bette’s legs. The bit where she’s standing on top of the building, laughing into her phone – her legs look about 7 foot long; like she’s wearing stilts. But really, there’s not much, I’m reaching here to find something interesting to say. God, I hope they change this intro for season 4 or I will have to ignore the intro for next season’s recaps. Please give me a new intro to pick to shreds!

Here are Angus and Kit on a motorbike in the hills somewhere. Kit is freaking out, baby girl. She’s going to meet someone called Nona and also the Betty girls! They’re all going to help her record her new album. Angus calms her down and off they go again. I’m strangely excited. Could it be because of the possibility of seeing Betty?

Bette rolls over in bed and accidentally throws an arm over Tina, who is lying there like a tightly coiled spring. She realises what she’s done and apologises for touching Tina. Bette seems to have had a change in attitude and she is taking no more of Tina’s shit! She is going on a trip somewhere and while she’s away she wants Tina to move out. Another discussion has been missed here – does Bette know that Tina didn’t sleep with Josh? Actually though, it doesn’t really matter does it? The fact that Tina didn’t sleep with him isn’t important. It’s the fact that she was going to, and we all know she would’ve done if he hadn’t been such an a-hole. Bette has had enough. Tina can’t believe it; she actually seems genuinely shocked by this. Basically, Tina can’t help the feelings she’s having, but Bette doesn’t want her having them in her bedroom or bed. Too right. Misplaced heterosexual thoughts can totally fuck up the feng shui of a lesbian’s bedroom. So Tina’s going to move back into the spare room again. It’s like musical bedrooms with these two. I think Bette has a fair point, but I’m worried about her alone in that huge bed. I’m worried she won’t be able to find her way out without a point of reference lying next to her. Anyway, Angelica starts crying, as if she knows there’s trouble brewing. Bette goes to get her, but Tina looks angry about this and snatches her away from Bette saying she’s going to need to be nursed. So off she takes her to nurse in ‘her room’. There Tina goes again, using her lactating breasts as a weapon. That may well come back to bite you in the arse Tina. I’m not sure how, but it’s a funny mental image isn’t it?

Shane and Carmen are all sleepy and snugly in bed, but Carmen is having bad dreams and she ends up elbowing Shane in the face. She wakes up and explains that she dreamt about Shane giving Cherie a tattoo. This scene is so good, because who hasn’t been in this situation, either in Carmen’s or Shane’s, or in both for that matter? When you’ve had a dream and you know it was only a dream but you feel so angry at the other person that you can’t stand them? Shane has this bewildered look on her face that’s pure ‘what the fuck?’ I have a feeling that Shane never dreams. She’s that kind of person I think; when she’s asleep, she’s out cold. Nothing. Anyway, it’s funny seeing Carmen get all irrationally angry and Shane all sleepy ruffly-haired cute.

Alice is at Dana’s house making her a smoothie or something. She does it way cuter than Lara, because she looks like she is really unsure of what she’s doing. Dana’s hair has started falling out, and she’s being all morbid about it. Alice is so the person you need in a situation like this. In fact when she brings that bag in the bedroom I have a brief moment of hoping it’s a bag of goodies from the sex toy shop. Unfortunately no, but Alice has come prepared with a bag of wigs! She makes Dana smile with her choice of shags and colours, but during trying them on Dana gets and ignores a call from her mum. Alice points out that she shouldn’t push her parents away, but Dana says that nothing is making her feel better and she feels like she’s disappearing. It’s just too sad to comment on.

Jenny and Max sit at the kitchen table, both at their computers. Max has decided to write a letter to all his friends telling them he wants to be called Max and for people to use the pronoun he. Has he been reading my recaps I wonder? Is this a dig at me and my Moirax, shehe, herm comments? I hope not. I meant no offence mate. Anyway, I’m a bit freaked out because I find Max really attractive and I do now think of him as a guy. He even has a moustache going on. Now, I know that is a problem that many lesbians have, and I’m able to look beyond that for the right woman, but usually it’s not something I go for. My point is…what is my point? I think just that I fancy him…does that mean I’m straight I wonder? No, I think it’s Daniela’s eyes. Male or female, they’re just dreamy.

At the studio, Kit arrives to greet her friends, including the Betty girls. Yep, I was right – that is what the excitement was about. I’m actually really happy to see Betty. I feel like I’m seeing an old friend I haven’t seen for ages. And they fit into this whole studio thing really well, because it’s not a stretch to imagine them being friends of Kit’s and being in the studio with her. And they sound really good when they’re jamming later on, but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Am I gushing? Well…I happen to know that ezgirl read my last recap and she said some nice things about it, so I’m officially her biggest fan now. Remember! Arse-licking is the recapper’s prerogative. In fact anything is the recapper’s prerogative if I say so. Her and Amy are quite short though, compared to Alyson. Is she standing on a box or is she just REALLY tall? Either way – Betty Rules!

A taxi arrives to take Bette away to the monastery. Tina is there with Angelica to see her off, looking mighty cute in a tight green jacket, as opposed to Bette’s gold monstrosity of a coat which can surely only have the benefit of hiding her bump? Anyway, Bette insists that Tina allow her to speak to Angelica on the phone while she’s away. Bette is still really pissy and says that they need to get real about the fact that Tina doesn’t love her anymore and is breaking up the family. She also gets very pissed off when Tina says she’s going to visit Kit at the studio – apparently this is a privilege Tina doesn’t have unless she’s Bette’s life partner. I think it’s quite sweet that she wants go – so that Angelica can see her Aunt, but Bette doesn’t see it like that.

As the discussion is getting a bit serious, up rolls nightmare social worker. Has it really been 5 episodes since we had the pleasure of seeing her last? How did we cope I wonder? Anyway, she’s getting ready to write up her report and she wanted to see how it was all going. She asks how they’re doing and Bette kind of lets slip that they are “working some things out”, but they both agree that they still want to go through with it. This Roberta really has it in for Bette – she wants to know where she’s going and for how long. Nosy cow! Then she makes a dig about how Angelica will be okay because she’ll be at home with her mother. Bette gives as good as she gets and Tina smirks in recognition. She still digs Bette when she’s kicking arse. Anyway, off Bette goes and they share a slightly uncomfortable kiss on the driveway. The social worker (I’m not even gonna bother giving her a name) asks Tina to think about whether she wants to go through with this or not. I really hope Tina doesn’t stop Bette adopting Angelica as I fear it will be the final nail in Tina’s coffin and viewers will never be able to forgive her for it.

Helena picks Dylan up to take her to the studio. They’re both trying really hard to be ‘just friends’. Turns out Helena is going to fly everyone to watch a basketball game tomorrow as a treat for Dana, and Dylan thinks it’s amazing, she’s amazing, I really want to fuck you etc. There is going to be some serious willpower needed here to stay ‘just friends’.
Back at the studio and the girls all practice some group vocals and they sound great, but Angus interferes and says Kit should be singing alone more. Kit kind of tells him to butt out and he does for now, but he’s got a strop on and it’s just going to fester I think.

At Wax, and Shane is ‘doing hair’ in that funny way she does. She has a huge queue of people waiting. Well, she is Shane for Wax! Oh, I’m so bored of that now. Again Shane looks super cute in her glasses and with her teeny black eye. Anyway, Dana and Alice arrive and Shane shaves Dana’s head. Dana is nervous but she’s in Shane’s hands and Shane works her magic and gets her to relax with a simple smile. She’s such a smoothie that Shane. She could charm the hair off a wigmaker, and that’s not easy. It’s their livelihood, you know?

Tina, Helena and Dylan arrive at the studio. Helena asks if Kit can introduce Dylan to Nona as she is a huge fan. Dylan is all smiley and Tina comments that she thought they were only supposed to be ‘friends’. Helena insists they are but Tina’s all “oh yeah, right”. She’s onto you Helena ! Kit gets a phone call and it’s Bette, asking if Kit can ring Tina and invite her to the studio. So Bette has thought about it and decided to be gracious to Tina, but Tina has already done what Bette asked her not to. Not a good move Tina. As Oasis once said ‘don’t hang up in anger’ Bette – it’s rude. Did I get that right? It sounded right, but now I’m looking at it…mmhm.

Max and Jenny are at the doctor’s office discussing the ‘top surgery’ he wants. He thought it would be covered on his health insurance but apparently it isn’t, so Jenny offers to pay for it. But Max doesn’t feel happy with that so the doctor suggests a ‘top surgery benefit party’ which they both seem to think is a great idea. I wonder - if I was invited to one of those parties, would I give money? Is it the same as me throwing a party to raise money because I can’t afford to get my garden re-landscaped or my garage decluttered? I think maybe not, but I’m so tight-fisted, I doubt I would pass over any actual cash. I guess that says something rather sad about me. I shall have a good old think about that before the next episode. Anyway…

Back at the studio – there’s a lot happening in the studio in this episode! Nona is recording her bit. Angus tries to take over again and change the tempo, but ezgirl tells him no, it won’t work. You go ez - it sounds good to me (I love you). Kit asks him to chill out a bit, but he gets more pouty than before. Uhoh! Time of the month for Angus me thinks. Meanwhile, Dylan and Helena are on the sofa next to Tina, and Dylan reaches down to hold Helena ’s hand. Which seems to both please and startle Helena . I don’t think she can breathe! I don’t think her willpower will cope if they’re actually touching skin!
Max and Jenny rummage through a kind of gender reassignment goodie bad. Max is impressed with the ‘Pissin’ Passin’ Packer’ – something to allow him to pee into a urinal, and not just in a girly way like before. They giggle about him being able to ‘whip it out’ in a men’s room.

Back at the studio (where else?) and Alice and Shane arrive, crazy hair going on, basically so that Dana doesn’t stand out so much with her new hairdo of no hair at all. They all greet her and she gets introduced to all the Betty girls and Nona. It’s a total ‘love in’ – Nona is ‘down with that do’, and Dana is smiling like a total cutie.

Shane and Alice play some ‘shoot them’, ‘kill them all’ video game while Dana lies on the sofa resting. There’re lots of “die fucker” and “get the motherfucker” coming from Alice . Shane tells them about Carmen’s dream and that she’s in the shithouse for it.  Alice says that she used to date this girl who had a dream that she’d fucked David Schwimmer. Haha. Then Dana adds that when they were going out she dreamt that Alice was a midget, but she wasn’t mad at her or anything. I love these three together. In sickness and in health, they’re magic.

Back on the sofa and Tina notices that Helena and Dylan are holding hands, and also that Helena looks REALLY hot and bothered. Tina’s been there remember, she can read the subtle signs! She does one of those ‘raised eyebrow + eye roll’ moves she does so well. Helena gets up to get some tea, quickly followed by Dylan. She asks Tina if she wants some tea, but Tina says “no thanks, I’ve already had tea.” It’s the way she says it that lets us all know that by ‘tea’ they both mean ‘ Helena ’.

So they’re in the kitchen, Helena desperately trying to actually make some tea, but not getting very far. Call yourself a Brit? I could’ve taken Dylan AND had a nice pot brewing. You should always be able to multi-task when it comes to making tea. In walk Alice and Shane to break the tension, and they are like two school kids, staring at the two of them like ‘we know you wanna make out and it’s funny’. Dylan takes Helena into the bathroom and they both just kind of breathe and look at each other, until Dylan finally says “this is fucking insane”, to which Helena replies “come here and I’ll show you how fucking insane it is”. Eek! Well, what follows is just hot hot hot. If you’ve seen Bound, it’s a similar thing – Helena ‘shows’ Dylan how much she’s been thinking about her and it’s enough to make Dylan demand to take her home. NOW! No kissing, just breathing and a hand down the pants. That’s hot.

Carmen arrives at the studio, still pissed off with Shane and being totally irrational with her about the dream. I’m still loving this storyline and they are both so cute – Carmen is clearly really hurt about Shane being with Cherie and Shane just doesn’t want to be in the shithouse and looks totally confused. Alice comments “Latin women! Something something” – I don’t catch the end part, but you just know it’s funny because everything Alice says is funny.

Finally they have finished recording and as they pack away, Angus makes a bitchy comment about the others ruining Kit’s song. She takes him outside and makes it clear that he needs to back off and let her “deal how she wants to deal”. So he strops out. Clingy or what? Kit’s too smooth to have someone sticking to her like this.

At Helena’s beach house, and well…I’m not going to get into recapping this scene as I fear it will burn a hole in my computer. Instead I will try to describe it in key words: sea, sunset, music, bras and panties, bra problems, laugh, nipples, legs, wet nipples, kissing, ripping off panties, sunset, moaning etc. Um…if I were to text speak I would just say OMFG!
Alice is running a bath for Dana and Dana then asks her to leave so she can change. So Alice leaves, but Dana can’t get her bra off so asks Alice if she can help her. It’s a big step for her, asking for help like that. Alice does it, and Dana turns and lets Alice see her scars. Alice is shocked, but looks all the same, and breathes in the tears as she embraces Dana and tells her she’s beautiful. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I’m gonna say it again in a rather whiny sort of way – why can’t Alice be my girlfriend? She’s just so lovely and is totally saying and doing everything right. And also – how amazing is Erin Daniels throughout this whole storyline? I’m blown away by it.

Jenny is typing away late at night. She tells Max that she’s writing a story about him, well about both of them and the journey they’re on. Max gets mad and tries to grab the computer and they get into a bit of a tussle, but it’s nothing major really. Shane is on the sofa and wakes up to intervene, and Carmen comes out of the bedroom too. I can totally see Max’s point of view, but he comes across as the one in the wrong and Shane and then Carmen both give him evils before Carmen goes back to bed, still insisting that poor Shane has to sleep on the sofa.

Meanwhile, Dylan and Helena are still at it, this time outside. Let’s just say; crashing waves, moonlight, panting, nipples, diamond bracelet (nice touch), big orgasm for Helena . I’m happy for her. No, really.

The next morning and Shane comes to talk to Carmen outside. Shane apologises for her having nightmares because of the fucked up thing she did. Carmen is still hurt about Cherie and Shane acknowledges that she has every right to be. At least they’ve talked about it a bit. But they get interrupted by Tina who can’t go on the trip because Angelica has a cold. Jenny goes in to speak to Max and see if he’s coming on the trip. Max apologises for last night – the testosterone really amps him up apparently. Am I the only one who thinks he had quite a normal reaction to Jenny taking over his story? It’s not like he punched her! He barely even raised his voice. But Jenny insists that she won’t be spoken to like that. She asks him to come on the trip, but Max doesn’t think Dana will want him there. But Jenny wants Max to be her date, so he agrees to come and it’s all okay again.

Dylan is on the phone talking to her boyfriend, but she seems a little too blasé about everything. Apparently he didn’t ask where she was last night because they trust each other. Helena feels terrible, but Dylan says she’s gonna tell him about them when she gets back from the trip. Helena is really happy about that, but I suddenly have a bad feeling – Dylan is being a bit too smug for my liking.

The gang arrive at the airport and tell Dana that they’re going to see her favourite basketball team play. They meet up with Helena and Dylan – Alice mutters “walk of shame” as she sees them together. Haha. They all get onboard and Dana thanks Helena for what she’s done. Helena asks Max if he’s coming but calls him Moira. She obviously didn’t get the memo. Too busy fucking her brains out. But Jenny says “Moira’s dead! Long live Max!” and he smiles and gets on the plane.
Back in the studio. I’m a bit bored of the studio now and I just wanna hear the whole song all the way through. Kit is recording her bit, but keeps fucking it up. She’s all nervous, bless her!

On the plane, the hostess asks Max if he wants any goodies, but he says no because of the medication he’s on – he wants to stay clean. Why doesn’t she offer anything to anyone else? Slacker. Max tells Dana that he is sorry for what she’s going through. Max is really sweet and says he can understand why it’s difficult for Dana to be around him, but that he understands, as it’s life or death for him too. But Dana doesn’t seem interested and just says “but you don’t have cancer”. Good point.

Angus has arrived at the studio and he and Kit are arguing – the Betty girls and Nona listen in over the speakers. Angus is mad because he has embarrassed Kit and he’s so crazy in love with her and he wants to marry her! She starts giving all the reasons why that’s just crazy, but Nona steps in and tells her to shut the fuck up. She’s got a good one and she should keep him. Then ez says “kiss the bride fucker!” Haha. So they kiss and it’s all good. Does that mean they’re engaged?

The gang arrive at the San Jose basketball stadium. Max decides to go and pee in the men’s room, which he does, successfully, because he’s packin’ the pissin’ passin’ whatever. We see him whip it out, and it looks REALLY pale, like the blood supply has been cut off. If I were the guy standing next to him I’d be alarmed and try to check for a pulse. But that may get me into all sorts of trouble so it’s a good job I’m not there really. Anyway, Max is happy and seems to have passed the pissing test. When he comes out of the toilet he meets Dana coming out of the ladies, and helps her escape a fan who recognises her. They talk some more and Dana asks him what he meant when he said about life or death. Turns out that Max tried to kill himself at 10 years old because he thought it would mean he could come back in the right body. Dana seems to find a new respect for Max.

As they both enter the stadium and are walking down the stairs, the lights dim and a spotlight falls on Dana and the crowd go crazy. Footage of her winning her tournament is on the big screen. She looks totally panicked and she turns and asks Max to get her out of there but Max says “it’s not for you, it’s for them,” indicating the gang clapping and cheering her on. So Dana listens and decides to keep walking into the stadium and accept the cheers and the love from the room. And Kit’s song starts in full as we see Dana waving and feeling the emotion of it all.

It cuts between the studio and them singing the song (pretty good really – and it’s all about transformation – which is very fitting) – then Tina sitting alone on the bed looking lost and sad (wasn’t that the deleted scene from last episode- it doesn’t look like their bedroom) – then Bette at her monastery having meditation circle time - then back to Dana at the stadium locking eyes with Alice as she keeps waving to the crowd. The end. Fabulous again.

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