Los Angeles Opera, 1996! I’m thinking it’s got to be Bette and Alice then. Correct! I officially love this whole scene. Why? Well (a) it’s high budget glossy which is fairly unusual for these random acts (remember the alleyway with Toni and Terri, or was it Teri and Jackie? You get my point I’m sure – it didn’t even look like a real alley – it looked like a cardboard alley) (b) Bette is being all sexy and powerful which we haven’t seen her doing much of this season (or last season for that matter) and (c) Alice is enjoying herself, and I always like to watch that. Though I really want to know who gave her that awful wig. Never mind 10 years younger, she looks more like 10 years older than she does now. Anyway, haven’t really recapped it for you have I? Well , Bette has her hand under Alice’s skirt and ‘pleasures’ her as they watch two women singing at the opera. It’s a bit of a funky opera though isn’t it? There are arty scenes on a big screen, including phrases like ‘under the thick dome’ and ‘go down together’. Is this a lesbian opera? Anyway, the look on Bette’s face throughout the whole thing is just delicious, and the look on Alice’s face at the end is delicious and it’s all so hot that even the pervy old woman watching them from the balcony isn’t putting me off. Fantasy stuff, and I have to say, my favourite random act ever! Until next weeks I’m sure – I’m praying for a secret dalliance between Alice and Shane to be revealed!
After that random act I’m finding it hard to concentrate on anything in this week’s intro, but if I had to choose something it would have to be…no, I’m still stuck on the fact that Bette timed that to the exact second, so that Alice and the opera climaxed at the same time. Bette’s so cool. But unfortunately I do notice Jenny spewing up blood in the very middle. What’s that all about?
Dana is standing in the street, smiling, surrounded by garbage. Oh okay, it’s not the real Dana. Why would she be stood in the street smiling? No, it’s the cardboard Dana. She gets put in the garbage truck and I’m hoping there’s some reason we saw that, because those garbage men really weren’t hot, and they certainly weren’t lesbians, so I’m wondering why I had to look at them. I expect all will be revealed, but if not at least I’ll have something to moan about. Every cloud and all that.
Moirax and Jenny are in the bathroom and Jenny is injecting her with ‘T’. Seems that she’s done a couple of doses already and you can tell, because she’s being very masculine and sexy with Jenny on top of that sink. Jenny says it turns her on that she’s giving Moirax her injections and helping to change her into a man. This doesn’t surprise me as Jenny seems to get turned on by most things, but Moirax makes it clear that it’s her doing it, not Jenny, it’s her journey, her change blah blah. ‘I’m every woman, it’s all in me’ etc. She’s getting a bit domineering and pushy, but I like it, and I’m sure it will be turning Jenny on, so everyone’s a winner in this scene!
From hormone injections, to chemo for Dana. She’s not taking it well at all and is taking it all out on Lara. It’s just really sad and you can totally imagine how both Dana and Lara are feeling. What’s interesting about this scene is that Dana laughs when Lara says that her fans are behind her and she wants to know “what fans?” – she’s seen them writing negative stuff about her on her website, and Lara says to ignore that crap. I think this is a sly dig at the negative comments that get put on the L Word message boards. And if it is, then I applaud whoever put that in. I kind of hope it was ezgirl (who wrote the episode) as she has certainly been on the receiving end of a lot of that negativity, and I think this may be her way of giving it all the finger. I’ve been to her website and believe me, she gives the finger very well http://www.ezgirlmusic.com. AND she has revolving tits. That’s a cool party trick. Better than peeing standing up. Anyway…I’ve wandered. Back to the episode.
At WAX, and Shane for WAX and Carmen for Carmen are getting matching tattoos on the backs of their necks. I can’t tell what they are of, and Carmen’s certainly looks very red and sore. It is sweet though I guess. I like that they’re doing this but I also like that tattoo girl. She’s super cute.
Now we see Tina arriving via helicopter (the budget for this episode must be bigger than all the other episodes combined – opera scene! helicopter! crikey!). Turns out she’s gone up to Vancouver to visit Josh on the movie set. I kind of thought he was cute in the other episodes, but he seems really slimy in this one. I just have this overwhelming urge to slap him for just being way too over affectionate with our Tina. He practically mauls her as he helps her out of the jeep. She has legs! She can get out of a jeep! But even more annoyingly, she’s letting him, AND she’s wearing sexy high heels and a short skirt. It’s gonna end in tears!
Alice and Uta are walking down the street, literally the middle of the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by various skateboarders and cars. The undead obviously have no fear of traffic accidents. Alice has been to see one of Uta’s classes. She has pigtails and is trying so hard to be keen on Uta, who I must say looks REALLY cute without all the heavy makeup. Uta wants to take her into a church (I like your style Uta – first you make her hang from the ceiling while you do all sorts of kinky things to her, and then you take her to a church). But Alice doesn’t want to go in because of what’s happening to Dana. Uta - you should’ve taken Jenny, no doubt it would’ve turned her on (we already know she has masturbated in church). Uta immediately picks up on the fact that Alice has to deal with her feelings for Dana, and points out that she needs to get back the cardboard Dana and properly let her go. She tells her to call her when she’s taken care of Dana. She’s a sweetie isn’t she?
Then freakily, we see cardboard Dana flying out of the back of the garbage truck onto the street as if she’s trying her hardest to escape and get back to Alice. But the garbage man stops the truck and runs out to retrieve it – how the hell did he notice it? And off she goes again.
Now the real Dana sits in the doctor’s office with Lara. The doctor is telling her about what she can expect after the chemo. Lara wants to know how she can help with food etc, but Dana wants to know if she’s going to die and when she’s gonna lose her hair. Eek.
Cut to the garbage truck again and as it drives past the Planet we see cardboard Dana strapped to the side of the truck with a broom. It’s a bit surreal, all this cardboard Dana stuff, but I get the symbolism. I think. Anyway, at the Planet BB is barely awake as he watches equipment being delivered for tomorrow’s big night – the B52’s are coming to town! Cool. Kit thinks he needs to get his arse in gear but he says he has FMS – Fag Munchausen Syndrome? Wah! No – Fear of Missing Something! I liked that little exchange. BB is quite cruel and harsh with Kit, telling her she needs to sort out her vices and he didn’t need to hit bottom to get his life together. Miaow.
Helena is in her office, speaking to her children via webcam. Dylan arrives and gets very excited at seeing the kids and tells them she can’t wait to meet them. Helena looks slightly uncomfortable, so signs off. Dylan has brought her a gift! It’s a bag! No not really just a bag. In fact it is a bag containing a jar of Branston pickle and a Cadbury’s Flake! Now, I’m not a huge fan of pickle, but I do like my chocolate, and as a Brit who has lived abroad, I actually know what lengths I have gone to getting a Cadbury’s Flake. If she wanted to win me over, that would do it. The pickle is just a bonus. Anyway, Dylan is clearly hoping for a little rematch and is upset that Helena hasn’t called her. Helena shows the willpower of someone far stronger than me, by insisting that she doesn’t want to start something with someone in a relationship and that they should just be friends. Is this an indication that Helena was really hurt about Tina returning to Bette? Mmhm, I wonder. Dylan’s still stupidly claiming that she’s straight, despite her actions and the lusty look in her eyes clearly saying she isn’t.
Now we’re at Bette and Tina’s house and they’re throwing a ‘chemo party’ for Dana. Risky move. That’s the kind of thing that would make someone either laugh with relief or throw a huge wobbler. This whole scene is a bit weird because there’s this surreal kind of dream music in the background and Alice is wearing a floaty white dress, which don’t get me wrong, looks really cute, but she kind of looks like an angel. Is this scene real or a dream? Anyway, Shane and Carmen show off their tattoos and seem happy that they’re discreet. Helena is in the pool and seems to be getting on well with both Bette and the group. Maybe the cancer scare and the Buddhism have made Bette decide to let bygones be bygones. Whatever, she looks good in a bikini so I think we’re all happy. Jenny arrives and is all “helloooo” and “hiii” in that floaty voice she does so annoyingly. Bette and Lara bring out Dana’s chemo cake which she seems pleased with, but then she gets all angry and snaps at Lara about how sick she is and how she can’t eat cake. Everyone politely ignores it and they start to talk about how Shane and Carmen are both ‘Gold Stars’ – lesbians who have only slept with other women, never with a man. Yay! I’m a Gold Star. I always thought it should be something to be rewarded for and now I feel proud that I resisted those drunken fumblings at parties! Anyway, they’re all just talking and hanging out, and then Lara says something and Dana snaps at her again. And the floaty music’s still playing and Alice’s still floating in the white dress. I feel like I’ve taken acid.
At the Planet and BB cracks onto Moirax, complimenting herm on herm muscles. They share a joint and then suddenly BB gets all deep and talks about how his lover of 12 years was sick for 3 and then died, and he seems genuinely upset about it. I can’t tell if this is a ploy, or whether it’s true but it ends how I’m sure BB wanted it to. Moirax carries him across the floor and basically fucks him up against the counter, legs akimbo. I think after watching that I’m gonna start calling him Max.
Back in Canada and Tina flirts unashamedly with Josh. She says “I don’t have a problem with gratuitous sex”, a soundbite which those of us who’ve seen any previews will have already heard a million times and knew was coming, but what wasn’t so obvious before but is obvious now, is that it appears that her hand has ventured somewhere ‘intimate’ under the table. He looks surprised, but happy about this. I think I can hear Barry White in the background; “Let’s get it on!”
Back at the pool party and Bette is playing with Angelica when low and behold, the aria from the opera comes on. Bette gets a nostalgic look on her face and asks Alice if she remembers it. Clearly this was one of Bette’s finer moments that she looks back on with fondness. Much to the shock of Angus who looks like he may be skewering meat in the background (well that’s what men do at barbeques isn’t it?), Alice replies in typical Alice fashion, something along the lines of “oh, you mean when you fingerfucked me at the opera and then told me we weren’t right for each other? No, I don’t remember that at all.” Haha. Bette looks forlorn. Lara comes outside, probably after another snap from Dana. Bette goes in to speak to Dana and Alice goes to sit with Lara by the pool.
Lara says she doesn’t know how to deal with the anger that Dana’s throwing at her. Alice reminds her that Dana needs her, but Lara thinks she needs Alice because Alice is stronger than her. Alice says that Dana’s lost and that she needs to find her. Now, is she talking about the real Dana or the cardboard Dana? Or are they actually the same thing in a symbolic kind of way? Mmhm.
Dana and Bette talk about how Dana can’t relax and how angry she feels towards Lara. Bette sits with her and helps her to relax. She imagines she’s lying in a beautiful green garden. Her fists unclench and she is whole again. Hey, Bette is so chilled out now isn’t she? I love her voice. If JB ever leaves the L Word (God forbid), she should bring out a range of relaxation tapes for the stressed out power lesbian.
Tina and Josh are in the trailer, getting it on. Tina seems really into it, but then he starts to talk too much about how he knew she wasn’t really queer etc, and she eventually pushes him away forcefully. She is angry about him ruining it by speaking and being so ignorant. I think she just wanted to get fucked, but she’s finally shown that she doesn’t necessarily want to be straight and that she is still proud to be a lesbian. I’m just glad it didn’t happen, but it’s bittersweet really as she obviously wanted it to.
The next day, Kit and Angus arrive at the Planet to find BB snorting something off the table with the door unlocked. I think maybe he’s been on a bender, as he really looks fucked up and sad. Kit is furious and lays into him about fucking up her business. She’s kind of shouting, but not actually shouting, more like breathing words loudly, which is quite weird. He listens for a while and then gets up and leaves.
Shane and Carmen are in bed having a ‘just woken up fumble’, but Shane seems kind of in pain, though she insists it feels good. The look on her face doesn’t seem like it feels good. She has the same look as when she saw Veronica getting her face peeled off in Season 2. That’s never a good look to have when you’re supposed to be enjoying sex. She says she’s distracted, but we don’t know what by. I guess it could be Cherie, but I think that it’s because of Dana or maybe because of the whole commitment tattoo things they’ve just had done.
We then see Alice wake up shouting “Dana”, immediately followed by Dana waking up, covered in sweat and crying. She takes it out on Lara again and pushes her and pushes her until she pushes her straight out the door. Poor Lara is pushed aside yet again and I can’t stand it. Poor thing had to leave with her pyjamas on.
Alice arrives at the garbage yard and asks if the guy has seen the cardboard Dana. He hasn’t but he tells her to go a landfill, so she does, but then she gets a call from the real Dana so she turns around to go and see her.
Max is having breakfast when Shane and Carmen question her about the syringe in the bathroom. They’re worried that it’s Jenny’s (maybe this was what Shane was worried about?), but Max tells them it’s his and all about his transition and Jenny’s help. They both look a bit freaked out by it, and Carmen almost loses her arm when Max gives her a high five.
In New York, Jenny goes into a meeting with her editor, who is a total wanker. She doesn’t like the book much as it doesn’t have a strong ending and doesn’t talk about how Jenny has ‘thrived’ rather than just survived. Jenny is way cool again, because she sticks to her guns and believes that surviving is enough. This woman is really patronising about how hard it is to not be a victim. So Jenny gets up and leaves, taking her manuscript with her, and also doing a “fuck you” at the door. Woohoo. Have I mentioned how much I love Jenny this season? She turns me on.
Dana spins Alice a web of lies about how Lara left her and turned her back on her. But Alice doesn’t take it, and she doesn’t take her self-pity and she totally calls her on it and it seems to get through to her. She says she’s gonna take her to see the B-52s, and Dana says in that cute way of hers “I like the B-52s”. Alice promises to take care of her and they hug. I should be happy that they are together again, even if it’s just as friends, but I feel sad that Lara may not come back. I hope they make up or at least have some resolution soon. They need to remember that a lot of us like Lara and see her as one of the main characters, not just Dana’s girlfriend who can disappear as soon as Dana’s storyline doesn’t need her anymore. If she does disappear again I fear another online petition may be on the way!
Back in New York and the publisher friend of Jenny’s takes her back in to see the editor. Seems that the editor was also in the same position as Jenny – being abused, being a cutter I guess. She understands it but she can’t promote it. Jenny seems happy about this so I’m assuming that isn’t the end for her book?!? I think the fact that she stood up to this woman shows that she does have strength and that’s why she’s smiling.
At the Planet and the girls are all waiting for Alice and Dana, warning each other of what they should and shouldn’t talk about. Dana is all smiley and Alice is her ‘booby guard’ and they’re all gossipy and Dana doesn’t know what’s going on, basically how it used to be in the good old days, and it makes me feel nostalgic for Season 1.
Kit goes outside and spots BB standing across the street. She nods to him to come in, in a kind of ‘all is forgiven way’, but he just blows her a kiss and then walks away. Is that the end of Alan Cumming? I kind of liked him being in it, despite the fact that I slagged him off in every recap. Oh well.
Back inside the club and the B52s come on and they’re pretty good. I forgot how crazy they were though – especially that one in the pink tracksuit playing the bongos. Helena lets slip to Bette that Josh is in Vancouver with Tina and when Angus asks “who’s fucking Josh Becker?”, Bette replies “Tina”. Great line.
Shane and Carmen tell Alice and Dana that Moira is having a sex change and it’s okay, until Carmen makes some comment about cutting off tits, promptly followed by Dana leaving, shouting at Alice to leave her alone.
Dana walks along the street, sad and in a daze. She’s lost and alone. The next morning we see Alice at the landfill site, no hope in hell of retrieving the cardboard Dana, which we see on the top of the pile about to be covered in more garbage. And then it ends. Mmhm, well I don’t know about that episode. I really liked it, but it felt different to the others. It was sad but in a much more subtle way than last week. I think it captured the sense of loss and confusion and degradation that the mind and the body must go through when you have cancer and you’re having chemo. A really hard thing to convey and it did it well I think.
© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.
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