Our prelude this week is set in New Haven , Connecticut in 1985. Now, I did have a thought last week, when Coleman said he was about to go off to Yale (I just about caught him saying it, despite being kind of hypnotized by the tyre and blow job action). I thought – hey! Bette went to Yale. I know you won’t believe me as it seems a bit convenient that I’m mentioning it now, but I really did. I’m that good at the web of connectivity! Anyway…the point is that here is Coleman looking at a naked man (except for a very small pair of…what do you even call men’s underwear? Briefs? Underpants? Whatever…they don’t leave much to the imagination) and he’s sat next to Bette! We know it’s Bette for four reasons: 1. He calls her Bette. 2. The name Bette appears on the on-screen charty thing. 3. Whoever the actress is that’s playing her looks like her and sounds spookily like her too. 4. She’s wearing virtually the same sweater top that JB wore in ‘Flashdance’. Nice touch there; I like that. Anyway…I’m a bit surprised that they made a connection to one of our girls so soon and I wonder where it’s going to go next week, but at least I can say that the preludes are intriguing me and I’m looking forward to seeing next week’s one – a position I have never been in before. So what happens you say? This is a recap isn’t it? Well basically Coleman gets ‘hard’ and him and Bette go at it, but it’s not really happening and Bette tells him he’s fucking the guy in the picture and she says she was thinking of one of her girly professors. Hang on – how did Coleman not know he was gay? A year ago he was getting a blowjob from some random guy at a tyre shop. And he seemed to be REALLY enjoying it. Surely that must have been a big hint.

So what catches my eye in this week’s intro? Well, again I marvel at how cute Alice and Dana look on that motorbike, but then I wonder why they would be so cruel as to keep this intro and torture us Dalice fans like this every week. I think the least they can do is make a new intro sequence to represent the relationships that are still alive and not the ones that are over and that some of us mourn everyday. Rant over…let’s begin shall we?

Here comes Shane, creeping into the house in the morning. Hang on. Didn’t Cherie rip that shirt straight off her? Shane doesn’t look like the type who would carry a sewing kit around with her, and she certainly isn’t the type to be arsed to mend something even if she did. Anyway…the important thing is that Carmen is on the sofa ‘mock sleeping’ and opens her eyes and asks her if she fucked her. Shane looks guilty and very tired – we know this because she has black circles under her eyes. That must mean she’s been fucking all night. She’s in so much trouble, and she knows it.

Bette is sitting up in bed and I marvel at how big their bed is! They’re like 15 feet apart! Is it usually like that or have they stretched it so as to create a visual as well as an emotional gulf between them? Whatever, they look really distant. Bette wants to know if Tina has fucked anyone for real yet? She wants to know what’s going on and who it is that she likes – is there a real man or is it just DaddyOf2 she wants to fuck? Tina admits that she is attracted to Josh, the movie producer guy with the long poster tube, and then she leaves the bedroom as both of them sigh deeply.

The camera pans up to show us Kit and Angus in bed. Angus tells her he loves her. How long have they been dating? It’s been like 2 days since the Bisexual Speed Dating night, hasn’t it? Is he a lesbian trapped in a man’s body? Is he gonna ask to move in now? But apparently he’s given her 4 orgasms, which is enough for him to know he loves her. She is a bit sceptical about it and thinks he’s rushing, but he gets all hurt about it. But I think it’s just a tiny lover’s tiff – nothing too major. I’m just happy that Kit has got her mojo back despite having got pesky menopause, and I’m feeling it so much more between these two than with her and that freaky TOE guy.

Alice arrives home after her night of vampire sex to find Janice the lesbian cleaner (do you think a lesbian cleaning service is a service that will only clean lesbian’s houses, or one that only employs lesbians? Or both? I was thinking of starting a lesbian waxing service. Run by a lesbian (me) for lesbians (the cute ones I saw the other night) – what do think?). So Janice is cleaning rather inefficiently, really just pushing the dust around from one side of the hallway to the other. Alice looks at her lovebites in the mirror, and the horror ‘eek eek’ music plays again. Hehe. Alice is full of beans this morning and asks Janice to get rid of the cardboard Dana as she is free of the obsession at last. Fucking a lesbian vampire will do that to you I guess.

Cut to Dana and Lara packing stuff for the hospital visit. Dana is feeling very low and kind of taking it out on Lara, who’s trying to help. She doesn’t want to pack deodorant because it won’t mask the smell of rot. It’s just horrible. But Lara sticks with her and they hug through the fear.

At the Planet and BB is pissed off with Jenny who is obviously not the world’s best waitress, but I don’t think she’s bad enough to warrant his anxiety. Anyway, that publisher contact of Jenny’s turns up and she sits down with her. In amongst BB stressing and being a tosser about Jenny not working, the publisher tells her she wants to publish her book! Fuck me - it finally happened! She wants to know how much of it is true, because she wants to pitch it as a survivor memoir rather than a work of fiction. She would have to talk about her own experiences on the book tour, and Jenny looks doubtful that she will be able to cope with that and worried about how much of the book she’d have to change. But all that goes straight out the window when she takes a look at the cheque for the first half of her advance. Can I just say? How fucking cute is Jenny when she gets up from the table with a “will you excuse me a minute?” and then TOTALLY freaks out and screams with joy? Happy Jenny is cool.

At the hospital Dana has to gown up and then mark her own breast so that they know which one to take off. I’m sure there is some joke I could make about her drawing an x on her boob, but I’m not going there. And damn them for using such sad sounding violins to accompany this scene. Okay, the tears are a’coming.

Carmen and Shane are in the kitchen. Carmen is quite calm really and just wants to know if Shane loves Cherie. She doesn’t, but if she wants Carmen to forgive her she’s gonna have to try harder. She gets all defensive and accuses Carmen of practically coming all over the two hunky guys from the party. It’s so not the same thing Shane, and you know it. They fight and I think maybe this is a good thing for them. Shane is just way too chilled out all the time and maybe she needs to get passionate at this stage in their relationship to see how much she wants to be with Carmen. I’m liking Carmen again after this scene as she totally tells it like it is. She even tries to calm down and get Shane some food, but then she just lets rip again and starts throwing pizza. But when Carmen suggests that Shane should have no problem with her fucking someone else, Shane looks like she really wouldn’t be good at not having a problem with that.

Bette tells Tina that she thinks she should explore these feelings for Josh, but that she may not still be there if and when Tina decides she’s had enough and wants to come back. Bette is being very calm about it all – I think it’s the Buddhism. But can I just say? Hello Tina! I’m liking that tie outfit. But I’m wondering why they are making Tina look more masculine at the time when she’s actually thinking of fucking a guy? The obvious thing to do would be to dress her all girly, but I like the fact that she looks slightly more masculine. It shows that she’s more dominant in the relationship, as Bette used to be the power-suited one, but it also shows that these feelings she’s having aren’t about wanting to be more ‘womanly’ – they’re much more complex than that. Anyway, she looks hot.

Dana gets her final preparations for her operation. There’re some technical things about consent forms and procedure, but the important bit is that her and Lara share the sweetest kiss and Lara is there for her 100% and even though I have been hoping that Dana and Alice would get back together, I’ve changed my mind now. I think Lara rocks.

At the movie studio and Dylan and her boyfriend arrive for a meeting with Tina and Helena. When Helena arrives she shakes hands with the boyfriend and introduces herself. “We met already” he says. She’s forgotten. That was because she was ogling your girlfriend at the time! Read between the lines fella. Helena looks happy happy happy to see Dylan, but Dylan looks nervous as hell. You know you really like someone when being near them makes you think you’re gonna lose your lunch: I think it’s love.

At the Planet Moira/Max – I don’t know what to call her anymore – she’s becoming half and half for me now – I think I’ll call her Moirax, which sounds a bit like a haemorrhoid cream but maybe that’s not so bad – it could be quite soothing. So Moirax is doing some fixing of something in a back room. BB comes in and tells her (now I’m wondering what pronouns I should use? She or he? Her or him? I think shehe and herm will do. My spellchecker is gonna go crazy but what the heck. It will be good for it to learn to be non gender-specific for a change). So, BB comes in and tells herm that shehe is the cutest boy he has ever seen and asks if shehe is taking hormones. Shehe isn’t, but shehe’s thinking about it. Apparently BB can hook herm up with those pills. I’m envisioning some sort of Incredible Hulk thing now as shehe takes dodgy hormone pills and explodes out of her clothes. I hope not. I like Moirax. And I’m also a bit worried about BB – he really does confuse me. I can’t decide whether to like him or not. Sometimes he seems like a sincere and caring person and then other times he seems like a predatory bastard consumed with bitching and stirring the shit.

Shane is smoking moodily, still not having slept – the bags under her eyes are huge now. I think they’re packed full of guilt. Carmen reads out the definition of monogamy from the dictionary. Carmen is calm again and being very cool about it all I think, but does end up blasting Shane with the fire extinguisher powder. Alice arrives - ”hey weirdos” - and shows them her love bites (cue ‘eek eek’ again) – Carmen reckons she got ‘embraced’. Shane looks like she just doesn’t have the energy at all, especially when Alice says she had like 9000 orgasms. I think she’s exaggerating. At least I hope she is. If not she’s a greedy bitch. She’s going to Sleater Kinny tonight with Uta and asks if they’re going? Carmen says they are, if Shane cleans up her act. Shane is not happy with being punished like this, but I think it’s all defensive because actually she feels guilty but doesn’t know how to admit it and say she’s sorry.

Back at the meeting, Helena ‘accidentally’ touches Dylan’s foot with hers. Dylan pulls away and avoids eye contact. Uhoh. The boyfriend insists on Dylan having final cut of the movie, which Tina seems to have a problem with, but Helena overrides her and says it’s fine.

Shane is in the shower washing away the powder and the guilt, and finally she apologises to Carmen. She can’t promise it won’t happen again but she wants to try and she’s never wanted to do that with anyone else. And she’s kind of crying and I love that Shane is learning so much about herself in this relationship. Carmen gets in with her and they hug and Carmen cries and Shane apologises and it’s just really sweet, even for a cynical bitch like me.

They all leave the movie meeting, but Dylan has rather conveniently left her jacket in the room and has to go back, and so does Helena . They talk and Helena asks what’s going on. Dylan says she’s straight and nothing like this has ever happened before, and bless her Helena says so too – she’s never felt such intensity with someone. I think Helena ’s in love. Helena says she will still support the film, even though Dylan says that nothing at all, nothing whatsoever, ever, never, no, not at all, never is going to happen between them. From the lingering look she gives Helena as she leaves the room, I’m doubting that’s true.  

At the hospital and the doctor comes to see Lara and says he can’t tell her anything because legally she isn’t family. Great. Suddenly this doctor of Dana’s who knows damn well that Dana is gay and that Lara is her partner is being a wanker. He can only talk to her mum and dad. Lara is obviously gutted and then we see a shot of Dana looking very sick and alone in the bed.

Alice is at home speaking to Uta about their date when she gets a call from Lara. She tells her how sick Dana really is and that she lied to them all about it. Alice is silent for the first time ever.

Back at the hospital and Dana’s mum and dad show up – Alice has called them. When they see Lara they are dismissive of her and tell her she should go home, and she gets left in the hallway alone.

In the room, Dana sees her mum and dad and immediately asks where Lara is, to which they reply that she’s gone home. Bastards. The doctor tells them all that the cancer had already spread to the lymph nodes and that they had to remove more tissue than they thought they would have to. Shit.

Alice is driving to the hospital, cancelling her date with Uta in the most heartbreaking voice I’ve ever heard.

Helena sits at her desk deep in thought as Tina comes in and blasts her out for undermining her at the meeting. Helena apologises, which is clearly not what Tina expected. She then asks Tina if she ever had a crush on a straight woman. Tina’s so not the person to ask about that – as Tina herself points out. So Helena asks Tina how it felt to be a straight woman falling for a lesbian – she says it was hard to get her head around it and to ‘undo’ all the images and fantasies of what life would bring e.g. husband, kids. Tina knows she’s talking about Dylan and advises her to let it go – it never turns out how you want it to. But just as she finishes saying this, Dylan comes back. Tina looks shocked and so does Helena and so does Dylan. Tina leaves and they don’t speak, they just look at each other and slowly get closer. There’s lots of heavy breathing and finally, after what seems like forever, they kiss and they end up on the sofa. I can definitely say that it’s super hot, but I’m wondering if Helena locked the door, which means I’m not as into it as I wish I was. The cancer stuff is just too big this week.

Alice arrives at the hospital and finds Lara waiting alone again. She gives her a big hug and then just becomes like superfriend – she does everything right. She asks the parents what’s happening and they get told the truth, but then they’re told that they should just go home. Lara just looks gobsmacked and heartbroken, but Alice holds it together enough to tell them that Lara is her partner and Dana would want her there and they need to respect that, and then she marches Lara past them and into Dana’s room. Fabulous. They go in and Dana is so happy to see Lara and then so happy that Alice is there too. Alice hovers by the door until Dana tells to her to come over to the bed. So she does. And Dana takes a deep breath as if she’s just so relieved that her best friend is there. And I’m crying again and I don’t think it’s going to stop until the end of the episode because I know that the others are going to have to find out now and I know I won’t be able to cope with seeing Shane’s face.

Tina gets home to find Bette bringing in the groceries. Bette wants to know if anything ‘happened’ today, but she isn’t interested in the news about her standing up to Helena – she wants to know if she saw Josh. Bette thinks it’s hormonal, but Tina points out that she only dated men before Bette. Ouch. That is so like – ‘well we’re over, so what do you expect?’ Inside the house Kit and Angus are getting frisky against the wall when Bette and Tina walk in and realise what’s been happening. Bette is all like ‘oh my fucking God’ and Tina is all like ‘good for you guys’. Bette thinks that Kit has pursued Angus but Angus points out that it was him who did the pursuing. So Bette chills out a bit, but insists on some rules, one of which is no sex in their bed. The look on both Kit and Angus’ faces when she says this is priceless. They’ve totally been at it in the bed. I actually ‘ha’ out loud at this. I never ‘ha’ out loud, I just laugh inside. Most of the time you can’t even tell I’m laughing as my face stays quite motionless, but now I actually make a huge ‘ha’ sound and grin. I think that partly it’s a reaction to all the crying I’ve done already and the crying I know is to come, but also because it’s a very funny scene.
At the Planet and Shane and Carmen congratulate Jenny on her book success. Carmen tells Moirax that shehe should be happy to have a girlfriend with money now. Hello again bitchy Carmen! But good for you Moirax – shehe stands up to Carmen and points out that shehe will be making herm own money soon. So anyway, I realise now that Sleater Kinny are a band playing at the Planet. I thought it was some club or bar that Alice was going to. They’re actually quite good, and I’m just happy they’re not Betty. They’re definitely a bit more pleasing on the eye than Betty too. Sorry Betty. I love you really.
BB and Moirax go into his rather seedy office (it’s got a red glow about it); Moirax wants to know how to get the hormones so BB gives herm Tom’s number. Anyway, BB notices mini-Max and gets this lusty look on his face and starts to stroke it and Moirax looks half scared/half turned on. Drama coming! I wonder – is that the same office where Jenny and Marina had their ‘rendezvous’ behind Tim’s back? Oh, the irony.

Back outside and Jenny notices that Moirax has disappeared so goes looking for her. Uhoh. Poor Jenny is happy for the first time in like forever, and now she has to walk in on BB giving Moirax a blow job, well not really, as it isn’t real is it? I wonder how long he would’ve carried on doing that for, because without the ‘natural end’, how do you know when to stop? Do you just keep going until you get lockjaw? Anyway, Jenny is super cool about it all and just sits down and asks if this is the kind of relationship Moirax wants and shehe replies that BB made her feel like a real guy, not just a girl with a thing in her pants. Jenny listens and thinks and then says “okay” and “don’t hide”. Very simple really, but priceless. Ironic that the girl who drove us all crazy with her over-indulgent prose and incessant describing of everything, is her coolest when she just says a few words like that. As they leave she gives BB a look that is pure “don’t fuck with her or I’ll fuck with you”. Two things to say before I move onto the next scene. 1. It’s crazy that Jenny and Moirax seem to have more of a respectful, non-judgemental and honest relationship than any of the other character’s, especially Bette and Tina. 2. Jenny has officially gone from being a character I was quite ambivalent towards, to one that I am absolutely loving to watch. She rocks this season.

Back at the gig and Shane gets a call. It’s Alice and at first she can’t hear her because of the music, but finally she hears what she has to say about Dana. We don’t hear what she says, but we see Shane crying, head in her hands and as the music continues we see her, Carmen, Jenny and Kit looking distraught. I’m officially sobbing now.

They all go to the hospital, joined by Bette and Tina, and Alice tells them what’s happened. They all go in to see Dana and gaze at her with fear and disbelief in their eyes. Bette approaches the bed and says “We love you. Do you know we love you?” And Dana does. I won’t labour the point here, except to say that these women are all incredible, and this whole Dana thing is being done so well. I have felt all of it as if it were my best friend in that bed. One word: wow.

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.

Episode Index