Fairfax , Virginia , 1985 – As anticipated, here’s Frank again. He’s still trying to be straight through the help of God, but unlucky (or I think actually lucky) for him he gets a flat tyre and has to stop and get help from the gayest tyre fitter ever. It’s not long before Frank is loosening Coleman’s nuts and oiling his inner tube, oh god…I don’t know any more tyre changing euphemisms - you get my drift. He’s a sinner again! Hallelujah. Strangely enough I enjoyed that prelude more than last weeks and there were no women in it – it had a certain porn quality that I found appealing. Um…moving on.
During the intro this week I suddenly notice Dana’s blue dress that she’s wearing in the gallery at the end – how does that thing stay up? It looks like it has no straps at all. I’m intrigued by that, but not much else during this week’s intro.

Speaking of Dana (see what I did there? Writing seamless links between paragraphs is the sign of a great writer) – here she is in the doctor’s office. As we all knew but were afraid to believe, she has cancer and needs a mastectomy. You just know it’s going to be an emotionally draining episode when you’re welling up before the writing credits have finished. When the doctor asks if she wants to call anybody she hesitates, but then says no. I wonder if she’s going to find it hard to let Lara help her through this? Anyway, she’s just as I imagine Dana would be in a situation like this – she wants to know what she needs to do and she’s trying to be very tough about it all. I love Dana and don’t want this to happen to her, but I’m really glad that this is going to give Erin the chance to show what she can really do with a great storyline. We know she can do funny, and from this it definitely looks like she can more than do drama.

Bette is trying to meditate but all she can hear in her head are all the nasty things that her and Tina have said to each other over the last few weeks. It’s kind of poltergeisty, but not in a worrying season 2 way – in fact this is probably the best and only truly appropriate use of the poltergeist voices! Take note ezgirl. Anyway, she’s also being interrupted by the laptop bleeping so she goes over to see what all the fuss is about. Uhoh! It’s that dirty dog DaddyOf2 – he’s hard again. Bette sees his message and sends a few back of her own along the lines of ‘who the fuck are you?’ and ‘you’ve got the wrong person’ to which he replies with what seems to have been Tina’s original advert e.g. ‘dyke with baby looking for real man to fuck’. I’m confused. I got the impression that maybe Tina had gone on the chat room to speak to men and then had been kind of tempted into the sex part, but this gives the impression she had a purely lusty motive from the very beginning. It makes me feel a bit sick actually, as it does Bette judging from the look on her face.

At the studio and Tina is having a meeting with some cute movie guy. Dare I say it, but they seem to have chemistry, though it seems to be a different Tina to the one we're used to seeing. She's being very flirty and kind of predatory - in fact if I had to put my finger on it, I would say she is acting very heterosexual, and that just ain't nice to see. But, panic not I say. It's probably just a phase. We all have these kinds of feeling for members of the opposite sex but they usually pass as quickly as they’ve come. I mean, it's very trendy to be heterosexual now isn't it? All the kids are doing it. Anyway back to Tina and the guy. He sees the photo of Angelica and asks if she has a husband, to which she replies no. And then nothing. Slight omission of Bette there - it's not good. Oh and she's given him her phone number AND ignores a call from Bette during the middle of it all.   REALLY not good.

At the Planet and it’s ‘Bisexual Speed Dating’ night. Excellent. Some comedy! I need a laugh already. BB is hosting it and despite his dodgy haircut he makes me laugh with his witty banter and his spot-on Tom Cruise impression. Alice has dragged Helena along for moral support, but despite making an effort to get into the spirit of things, it seems that all Helena really wants is someone with creative integrity, courageousness, originality etc. Basically she wants everything that Dylan is and no one else is.  Alice meets a few unsuitable people, some of them looking for sperm, which she’s low on today. I like the whole scene, especially the music – it’s all very chipper. Halfway through the scene, BB drags Kit to the table where Angus waits with his guitar and his totally overdone eye makeup. He serenades her with a great rendition of ‘Changes’ and I think she’s finally being won over by him. Yay! Oh and BB joins in on the chorus, which again is funny. As the song ends, we see Dana standing naked, looking at herself in the mirror, covering one boob to see what her reflection is going to be like. And back to the not funny. It was nice while it lasted.

Back at the Planet and Lara bumps into Alice , who thinks that her and Dana are going to be laughing at her for Speed Dating. Lara tells her that Dana has other things on her mind but leaves it at that. Helena leaves Alice to it as she has had a call from somebody! Who could it be I wonder? But back to Alice - it’s not looking good and she seems defeated by the crazy world of Speed Dating.

At the House of Butch and Femme, Carmen and Shane get home and Carmen freaks out at Moira because of all the mess in the living room. Shane has to step in to try to calm Carmen down. That fiery Latino temperament seems to be slightly annoying Shane. She doesn’t seem to be enjoying this higher maintenance side of Carmen’s character. Me neither Shane, but she has a great ass, and that can compensate for a number of character flaws in my experience.

Alice is having another conversation with a girl at table 13 (unlucky for some), but Alice seems too tired out to notice that she’s a cutie. Turns out this woman is a vampirologist and her name is Uta. Cool name. Alice is suddenly interested - she’s a total vampire lesbian freak! Uta suggests a date tomorrow night under the cover of darkness. Alice is intrigued. She’s also a bit hammered, so she agrees to the date.

Helena arrives at Dylan’s apartment building – there are keys being thrown out of windows – when did they get so friendly? Did I miss something?

Tina gets into bed and Bette starts questioning her about DaddyOf2. Tina manages to recover very quickly from the initial shock of hearing the name, and does a good job of denying all knowledge and getting really defensive. The lady doth protest too much! She says she chatted to him for ‘research’ purposes. Yeah, right Tina. Pull the other one. The look on Bette’s face says she believes this unlikely story as much as I do.

Dylan and Helena watch and edit some of her work, when suddenly Dylan leans over to kiss Helena . They start to get it on and both of them are very worked up. It’s all going very nicely, for them and for me, until a door slams somewhere and what must be Dylan’s boyfriend comes home. They jump off each other, Dylan looking guilty and confused, Helena looking disappointed and confused. Generally there’s lots of confusion and guilt and disappointment, not how I imagined that scene ending.

Dana lies in bed as Lara reads stuff to her from the internet about recovery rates from breast cancer, and exercises she can do to rebuild strength. But Dana says that her career is over- she’ll never play tennis again, and then snaps at Lara that she should stop trying to make her feel good about her cancer. There are looks of confusion and guilt all over this scene too. I’m starting to feel confused and guilty over every aspect of my life, until I realise that I’m just empathising, and I force myself to chill out.

The next day at the Planet, Dana and Lara arrive to meet all the girls (except Tina – why can’t she be in any of the group scenes anymore?). Dana wants to tell them about her operation tomorrow but it’s made difficult by Bette’s phone ringing and Shane telling everyone about Alice ’s date with the vampire. It’s hard to tell but I’m sure I see a brief flicker of jealousy in Dana’s eyes as Alice talks about her first date. Wishful thinking from me again. Must stop doing that. Anyway, eventually she gets to tell them all – but she underplays the whole thing – they are all left thinking it’s no big deal – she has to have a small lump taken out, a quick overnight visit thingy. Bette says that Tina had a lumpectomy and you can’t even see the scar. Helena agrees, followed by a ‘death stare’ from Bette. Haha. Helena – know your place – you’re tolerated, but you are NEVER allowed to talk about Tina’s breasts! Anyway, this scene is just fabulous – I will go so far as to say the best group scene ever I think. Very sad, but very visceral, and I can just feel it as if I’m there with them all.

Moira goes for a job interview at a computer company. She’s wearing a suit and she is super geeky cute as she talks about all the things she can do with a computer. It all goes way over my head, but I love listening to her talking about this stuff. I think I may have a techie fetish, or maybe I’m just crushing on Moira a bit. Either way, the guy who’s interviewing her turns out to be a total a-hole, and he tells her she’s neither fish nor foul and then asks what team she bats for. Ouch.
Back at the movie studio and Tina flirts some more with the cute movie guy. She’s wearing a kind of naughty school teacher outfit (which is not wholly unappealing), but also a rather off-putting broach (which kills the buzz for me). He’s pulling a poster out of a tube in a rather phallic way, and she seems totally hypnotized by it. Ironically, the poster is for Catch 22 – her favourite film and rather representative of her life at the moment I think.

Dana is having a good old cry as she watches the footage of her winning the recent tournament. Lara speaks to her about telling her friends what’s REALLY going on. She thinks she should share it with them, but Dana gets all defensive about it and Lara leaves without so much as a goodbye.

At WAX, and Shane is waiting for her next appointment. Turns out that it’s Cherie – she has left her husband! She’s dealing with it as best she can – by wearing a tight white suit and strutting around in front of Shane like a dog on heat. She struts over to the cutting chair, and Shane watches her go, with a flicker of the old ‘Playa Shane’ look about her. I’m sensing this is not going to turn out well. However much I dislike Carmen at times, I like Shane being in love and am worried she’s going to fuck it up. But there comes a time when every parent has to let their child go it alone and make their own mistakes, so I’m going to sit back and not interfere in this one I think.

At the house, Tina is telling Bette she should cancel her meditation class as she has a work thing, and another argument begins. Bette is sick of Tina lauding money over her and being so cynical about her Buddhism. This wouldn’t be so bad if at the end of all this sniping there was some hot ‘I hate you at the moment’ sex. But no, I am left wanting again.

Back at WAX and Cherie tells Shane about how her husband left her for some young assistant. Cherie is getting a bit frisky with her, telling her how beautiful she looks, just as Carmen walks in. Shane calmly introduces Cherie to her but fails to say who Carmen is. Bottom line is, Shane isn’t prepared to act like she has a girlfriend and Carmen seems to have good reason to be jealous and mad – Cherie is totally flirting with Shane and Shane seems to be enjoying the riskiness of it, as opposed to the naggingness of Carmen.

At the meditation group, Bette is finally able to relax enough to switch off the voices, and seems to have a ‘seeing the light’ kind of epiphany - she opens her eyes and has a smile of pure calm on her face. Good for you Bette. I experienced something similar to this the other night as I was watching an old episode of Murder She Wrote. I saw a glowing white light coming through the window, and I felt a great sense of calm wash over me. But then I realised that it was some bastard kid outside flashing a torch though my window. I am jealous of Bette’s true experience.

Jenny gets home to find Moira washing the floor. She’s feeling bad that she’s not making a contribution. She tells Jenny what the guy said to her at the interview. Jenny is super cute, despite the fact that she’s wearing a strange pair of safari shorts which I find a bit off-putting. Anyway, she takes Moira to the bedroom and starts calling her Max and gets her to dress up like a guy; strap on and everything. So Moira binds herself and tucks everything in and becomes Max. Can I just say that I love love love how cool Jenny is being with Moira. It’s nice to see the real Jenny reflected in a relationship that allows her to be caring like this. She’s become really likeable at long last.

At WAX it’s club night again. Carmen is DJing in hotpants, which is a good enough reason to go clubbing I think; sod whether the music is good or not. Shane arrives and meets up with Alice and Uta (I love how Alice says “Uta”) in time to see Jenny and Moira getting hot and heavy on the dance floor. Uta then drags Alice to dance and looks like she’s either licking or biting her neck. Either way Alice is a bit freaked, and tells Helena she thinks she might actually BE a vampire. This storyline is obviously all tongue in cheek, but it’s funny nonetheless. Helena gives Alice her hand mirror so she can test Uta’s reflection, which she does, just as Uta leans down to pick something up off the floor. Alice is super suspicious now, but leaves with her anyway. Vampire or not, she’s hot and Alice hasn’t got laid in a long time.

Bette creeps into the bedroom after her meditation group, but Tina is still awake and asks her how it was. I think she’s being nice, but then she sarcastically asks if Bette had an epiphany. Bette suggests they go away to a retreat together, but of course Tina won’t have any time. She’s too busy being stressed out!  Bette lets it slide – she’s calm now, but then tells Tina that she’s been shortlisted to be director of the Whitney in New York . Tina says that she wouldn’t want to leave her job, which actually pays better than a museum job would. Ouch. Tina says she would have to think about moving – she likes her life in LA too much. Bette looks defeated and doesn’t bother to even argue this. Once you’ve lost the will to argue, it’s not long to go before the end. They’re not quite there yet, but I think they can both see it from where they’re sitting.

Back at WAX, Shane makes eye contact with Carmen, who then proceeds to flirt with some big hunky looking guys in an effort to make Shane jealous. But Shane looks like she’s drinking straight vodka, and I have a feeling this tactic isn’t going to work on Shane. Sure enough - she leaves the club.

Alice is at Uta’s house/dungeon – it’s all very dark and red and well…vampire like really. She calls Helena to tell her how amazing the sex has been so far, and she wants some more tips on how to tell if someone is really a vampire. Apparently a true vampire has excessive strength and hates to debate about religion, so investigative reporter Alice asks her if she believes in God, just as she’s being hung up from the ceiling and caressed from all angles. Uta doesn’t answer. Mmhm. Then Alice spots Uta’s teaching certificate in a mirror and sees that her name spelt backwards is Nosferatu! Highly suspicious! But Alice is a total vampire lesbian freak and so she just gets more into it. I’m guessing that this whole storyline is either funny/weird or a total turn on, depending on your knowledge and/or interest in lesbian vampires. I’m just really happy to see Alice naked, strapped to the ceiling. Good scene, good scene; thank you Ilene.

Dana asks Lara to make love to her and she does, and in stark contrast to the last scene, it’s not hot. It’s all about the ‘last time’, and Dana sobs as Lara touches her breast. I admire Lara for being able to do what Dana needs and not want to just tell her it will all be okay.

Finally! A real conversation between Bette and Tina! Tina confesses to Bette that she fucked DaddyOf2 on the internet. She’s confused about her feelings for men. Well, it’s not an actual conversation really, more like Tina tells her and Bette looks gutted, and they both cry, and then it ends. But at least they’ve spoken and not snapped at each other. I guess Tina wouldn’t have talked about it if she didn’t care about Bette anymore? I’m clutching at straws now. Who am I kidding? I think DaddyOf2 isn’t the only thing that’s fucked.

Uhoh! Shane has arrived at Cherie’s house, full of intent – she’s come packing! I never got these two together and I never thought it was hot, and this isn’t hot either – as they fuck at the poolside. It reminds me of the last season of Sex and the City when Samantha fucks Richard in the hotel, knowing that Smith is downstairs waiting for her. Maybe that’s not how it is, but it certainly feels like Shane has slipped. Too much vodka and a nagging girlfriend will do that to you I guess. Most of us would just phone a friend to have a rant and then pass out on the sofa, but Shane isn’t most people. She’s Shane for WAX.

The end! Good music again this week, and can I just say – written by Ilene Chaiken! Ilene – please write more! You are the best one to write this show because it’s YOUR show. Fabulous episode, and that is not an adjective I used freely.

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.

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