We’re in Billings , Montana in1984 for this prelude – the whole thing is just all wrong and not a good start to the episode at all. I think I have the whole chart thing sussed and assume that the girl in this self-help group for recovering homosexuals must be Agatha from last episode’s bus trip of pleasure. But I can’t tell for sure because she’s not wearing her wimple and she has big hair. She’s being spoken at by some smarmy guy who says he used to be gay but has changed his ways – suddenly we cut to her in bed with another woman, but also with the smarmy guy. And, oh yeah, I was right - it is Agatha and the guy is Frank. But who’s the girl? Doesn’t she warrant a place on the chart? She sure seems to be the one that Agatha is most into. Apparently doing ‘this’ (and by this I think they mean a threesome in a dodgy motel room), is better than Hell’s fire. I’m not so sure. Have you been to Hell’s fire? Isn’t it LA’s new hot spot? From the bed, we cut to a shot of a fire. There’s that much loved subtlety again. Hell’s fire – there’s a fire – light my fire. Whatever. I just hope that motel’s fire safety regulations are up to date or this metaphor could take a turn for the worse. Shit – just realised that means we’ll get to see Frank in some kind of sordid dalliance next time? Crap.

I’m still feeling a bit angry towards Carmen from last week, and subsequently she’s the only one I see in the credits this week. I don’t like the way she DJ’s – it’s as if her neck has gone into spasm and she can’t stand up straight. It makes me ache just watching. I’m not in the mood to jig about to the lyrics this week so I just hum it instead, until I get to the ‘fighting, fucking, crying, gagging’ bit and then it gets too hard and I have a rest before the drama begins.

Something else is burning – I can’t see what it is – oh – it’s Jenny’s book. So she’s finally getting round to burning it then? I wonder who lit her fire? I think it must’ve been Moira as she is the ‘butch’ one, but Moira arrives and it seems that she has been at the beach hanging out. She’s been trying to figure out what she’s doing in LA and what she’s doing in life in general. Jenny is funny – she sarcastically says that she is “the picture of togetherness and sanity”. She must have had good therapy – she can take the piss out of herself. Cool. Seems that Jenny hasn’t heard from the publisher AND she has a new job at the Planet. My god - how long has Moira been hanging out at the beach for? She must really need a shower by now. Jenny is probably the only person who would be so calm about Moira disappearing like this, as it so the sort of thing she would do. They bond over burning the book together. If you ever need to really fuel a fire, get some bad writing, it seems to go up like nobody’s business.

In a parallel universe, Bette and Ange are relaxing by the pool, while a stressful Tina rushes around getting ready for a meeting and asking Bette to pick up her dry-cleaning. Tina’s a bit snippy, but Bette placates her. Oh how the roles have reversed eh? Oh my god, I can’t watch. It’s just wrong – the L World has gone all topsy turvy. Tina doesn’t do stressed out as well as Bette does. It’s more fun watching it the other way round.

At the Planet, Kit tells Carmen that some guy heard her DJ at Vulva Las Vegas and wants her to DJ tomorrow night for him. Some guy called Russell Simmons who I’ve never heard of, but must be someone famous that begged to guest star on the show and so they had to make up some storyline to fit him into. But rats! Tomorrow is Shane’s opening night at WAX and Carmen can’t be in two places at once, unless we chop her in half. Actually, maybe that would work – let’s just have her incredible bottom half in this episode and the top half with that bitchy mouth can go off to this other party. Shane of course is totally cool and says that she should do it and WAX is no big deal, but Carmen looks really perplexed and pouty when she says this. I’m confused and so is poor Shane I think. Women! They’re so confusing.

Now here’s Billie Jean King interviewing Dana, who is doing really well at some tennis tournament. I’m confused now – is it weeks since the last episode? Didn’t she have a biopsy that we have heard nothing about? But bless her, Dana looks so cute – she has that crazy smile on her face and she’s gushing about meeting BJK. And then the scene just ends really suddenly. Oh.

Back at the Planet and BB is ogling some cute new waiter while he chats (actually snipes at) Bette and Kit. He has blonde hair now. It doesn’t suit him as much as the black hair I think. Anyway, he seems obsessed with whether or not the cute waiter is a vegan. Why? What? Who cares? But he does clock Moira as she walks in with Jenny and thinks she’s a guy and REALLY likes the look of him. Eeeww. I have a bad feeling here. Bette gets a call and scoots off on some important art business - ‘come quick – only 5 more hours until the paint dries!’. Actually, it’s not as exciting as that - she may have to go to Washington to speak to some people about some funding. Yawn. While Jenny greets Kit and starts her first shift, Moira sits down with BB. Even though I’m sure he has sinister motives, at least he’s being friendly to her which is better than the treatment she received last week.

At the radio station and Alice ’s producer is going through her ‘ideas’ for the show. They’re all lame - about the evolution of different items of clothing, or there’s one idea about reading a story about giving pigs pancakes. She doesn’t get it, neither do I, but what the hey - I’m sure it will be funny whatever she decides to talk about.

Back at the Planet and BB invites Moira to a party at his place – a party for ‘people like us’. He’s being quite cute with her actually and calls her ‘handsome’ in a rather charming way. What’s happening to me? Why am I finding him charming?
At the house, Bette is packing for her trip to Washington . I’m so uninterested in this storyline that my mind keeps wandering and I keep thinking of Denzel Washington. He was good in ‘ Philadelphia ’ wasn’t he? Anyway - Tina gets home and is not impressed that it means Angelica will be left with a baby-sitter for the third night in a row. And a new argument begins afresh – Bette thinks it’s all vitally important, Tina says Bette promised she would support her in this new job, money gets brought up again and then it goes calm again for a bit and Tina actually apologises. Then they start talking about the senator that Bette will be speaking in front of and Tina is impressed – she thinks she’s hot. Apparently this woman tore Clinton a new arsehole. It can’t have been easy to find space – surely his existing one took up most of his body surface? Bette says she wishes Tina were coming with her and for a moment they are bonded over their love of the dyke senator, but then Tina goes back to how stressed out she is at work and starts to use the breast pump, and Bette twice says “I’ll miss you” – both times Tina chooses to not respond, apart from pointing out that it will be Bette’s first time away from Angelica overnight. Nice one Tina.

At the ‘House of Butch and Femme’, Carmen is clearing up in the kitchen – someone, and by someone I think she means Moira, has made a mess and hasn’t cleaned up. Carmen isn’t happy but I think it’s more about the party than the pasta. Shane comes in and tells her she should do the DJ gig, but Carmen seems pissed off that Shane doesn’t want her at her thing. This is so familiar – how many times have we all had a conversation like this with a partner? Shane wants her to be there, but she also doesn’t want Carmen to miss out on something she wants to do, which is really cool, but Carmen seems to be thinking that Shane isn’t bothered about her being there. Stress! But Shane doesn’t do clingy and I hope Carmen isn’t going to being super clingy like Alice did with Dana – look how that turned out!

Tina and Helena leave a documentary screening, chatting away about how fab it was etc. They start talking to the filmmaker, who is super cute AND has brown hair AND is artistic (do we think she drives a blue car by any chance?), and Helena is clearly smitten with her as she can’t let go of her hand and goes all giddy and basically offers her as much money as she wants. There’s chemistry here – they both seem to feel it and Tina stands there grinning, and then grins even more when she points out that the guy she has gone to chat to is her boyfriend. These two are good together as friends. Helena looks a bit gutted – why can’t everyone be gay hey? It’s just not fair.

Kit and Angus are babysitting Ange and there’s a whole lot of flirting going on, and Kit is fighting it, but secretly loving it.
Moira and Jenny arrive at BB’s party. His hair is looking even more shocking now – he’s got some weird 80’s flick going on. Not looking good at all. Anyway…they sit down and get introduced to everyone – one of them is called Gingervitis?!? You’d really want to kiss her wouldn’t you? BB asks if Moira goes by any other name, to which she says not really, but Jenny says she does - Max. It’s all a bit awkward – I hate it when you arrive at a party and you get plopped down on the sofa and everyone just stares at you and you have to make conversation. I think that’s what they invented alcohol for – someone give them both a drink immediately.

Kit is busy in the kitchen when Angus comes back from putting Ange to bed and proceeds to sneak up behind her and start kissing her. Kit says she’s old enough to be his mother, to which he replies ‘grandmother’ – what a charmer. He would be on the sharp end of a huge slap if he’d said that to me. She keeps saying he’s just a child, an attractive one, but still a child, and walks away from him. She has some willpower that girl.

Back at the party they’re talking about Jenny’s book, and then this guy Tom who’s writing a screenplay talks about what it’s about – a girl who becomes a boy. This Tom obviously used to be a girl, and BB asks if that’s what Moira’s life is like too. She says she’s thought about it since she was a kid. Jenny seems really supportive of her saying that and puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Nice Jenny again this week – good. I think maybe these are Moira’s ‘kind of people’ – but I worry that she’s going to be taken advantage of. I feel really motherly towards Moira. I want her to be happy.  

Now Angus is trying to wear Kit’s resolve down, by referencing all the famous older women he can think of who have had relationships with much younger men. He’s doing really well until he mentions the schoolteacher who got sent to prison for sleeping with a 13 year old. Learn when to shut up Angus. You were doing well there. But they are cute together and he’s teasing her a bit, but in a flirty way. He really likes her a lot and he knows a lot about her – about David, about her alcohol problem, her business, her aspirations, her family. She tells him the last one though – which he does look shocked to learn – that she has menopause. Haha. I like these two together and at least we’re getting to see a bit more of Kit.

Back in Washington and Bette is at the hearing in front of the Senators. The dyke one turns up and is very powerful and works it even more than Bette used to when she was all alpha in her CAC days. I agree with Tina – she’s hot and looks like she wants to do some arsehole tearing!

At WAX, Shane and Carmen hang out – Carmen still seems upset about the whole party thing – I don’t get her at all. What’s up with her? Anyway…they sit down to watch Dana playing the all important final game of the tournament.
In Tina’s office and she also switches on the TV to watch Dana’s game. Helena comes in and wants to know if Tina has made an appointment with the cute filmmaker. Apparently she has but it’s not until next Tuesday – that’s way too long for Helena . I think 10 minutes would be too long for Helena . Tina suggests she phone her up and ask her out, and Helena looks really cute and shy as she blushes about it.

Super tennis player Dana manages to hit the ball over the net, which elicits a whoop of pride from Shane. Cut to her mum and Lara sat in the stands; Sharon is gushing about how well she’s playing. Cut back to WAX and Alice arrives in time to see Dana’s next shot. But it seems like Dana has gone dizzy and has a problem serving the game out. They all watch on with concern, and she finally manages to pick herself back up and win the bloody thing. She bounces around like a crazy person and then gives Lara a huge snog at the courtside. I’m glad that Dana did so well, but it’s sad that Alice sees the snog and looks gutted that it isn’t her doing the congratulating. I also worry about why they are choosing now to finally show us Dana winning a match. Do we think it’s so she can say “well at least I won that one tournament”. Oh dear.
Back at the senate hearing and Bette concludes her speech, which seems like it may have been a bit lacklustre. It clearly hasn’t got through, as Senator Horsey says ‘Nay! I don’t like this un-American filthy art’ and decides to burn it right there and then. This fires Bette up and we see the real Bette break through, as she gives an impassioned speech about the state of the country and the importance of art – it reminds me of the debate she had with Faye Buckley in Season 1. Go Bette! She’s even making me give a shit about this art, and that takes some doing. The dyke Senator seems totally turned on by this outburst and follows her out into the corridor. She invites Bette to an important cocktail party, and by cocktail party I think she means shag. And I think Bette has sussed this out too.

Alice is about to start her show and is psyching herself up to NOT talk about Dana. I don’t think this is going to be easy! And it isn’t. She totally dries up and as her producer starts waving at her through the window (she’s funny that producer), Alice gets the wrong end of the stick and starts ranting on about George Bush’s dick. The producer tells her she is dead to her. I think that must mean she’s fired? That’s not quite how we’d fire someone in this country, but maybe it’s an American thing: ‘You’re dead to me! Work till the end of the month and then clear your desk. Have a nice day!’
Cut to Dana and Lara in Dana’s new Mercedes – they switch on the radio and hear Alice carrying on with her monologue about Bush’s privates. Eeek.

The Senator and Bette leave the cocktail party, and Bette is invited back to her place to ‘look at her etchings’, which she tries to decline, but make a total mess of – hence she ends up in the car on the way to her apartment. Uh oh.
In a bathroom somewhere (do these two spend all their time in the bathroom?), Lara is worried about Dana – she looks really tired and should she rest? But Dana isn’t hearing any of it – she has her needle biopsy on Tuesday, but until then she is a huge fucking tennis star and is going to enjoy it. Like your attitude Dana.

Jenny is looking for something to wear to the party as Moira says she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t think she fits in with Jenny’s friends, and she thinks that they weren’t very friendly to her. Good for you Moira – tell it like it is. For some unexplained reason Jenny has a suit hanging on her closet door. Handy that. This seems to fire Moira up – the suit has lit her fire!

At WAX and Dana gets congratulated by Shane, Helena, Jenny and Moira, who seems so much more confident and charming now she’s in that hot suit. And then Alice offers her congratulations and is lovely to Dana – she tells her she’s proud of her and my heart melts as they have a hug. It’s awkward but bearable, and she’s trying so hard to be normal as she congratulates Lara for the great kiss. Little slip at the end there but overall I’d give you a 7/10 for that Alice .
Bette enjoys her drink with the senator but says she can only stay for one drink. She’s seen her ‘collection’ and seems to want to make it clear that she can’t stay. But the senator starts some serious flirting – seems that she’s Googled Bette (is that some new sex thing I don’t know about?) Bette is flirting too and the air crackles between them, but she does manage to mention Tina and Ange, while still letting the senator put Bette’s finger in her mouth and asks her to come to bed with her. Bette stops the senator kissing her, though they do get close before she says “I can’t”. She says that Tina and her don’t have an ‘arrangement’ and off she goes. Good for you Bette!

Back at WAX and everyone watches Shane cut some chick’s hair in time to some kicking beats. Tina has arrived and starts congratulating Shane just as her phone starts ringing. Bette must be calling her to say she loves her?!? I’m such an optimist and I don’t know why – nothing indicates that I should be hopeful in this way. Alice and Helena dance and say how cute Moira looks in her suit, just as Jenny saunters over and starts dancing next to them in quite a weird fashion I think. She seems to think it sucks that Carmen isn’t there. Is that some subtle way of making us think that there are ‘problems’ between Carmen and Shane? Because I can see no other reason for this exchange apart from that.

In the bathroom Tina talks to Bette. Shockingly, Bette seems to be calling Tina from the senator’s bathroom, telling Tina that she has had an offer and she wanted Tina to know it. This is a weird conversation and I think Tina reacts as I would to this news. Bette basically wants her to tell her she cares about what might happen, but Tina says nothing and Bette hangs up. Tina looks well pissed off, as you would. It’s as if Bette is making it Tina’s decision as to whether she does this or not. I just can’t believe she hasn’t left the apartment and is sat in her bathroom.

Out she comes, to the waiting senator who still thinks she’s in with a shot. But Bette turns her down – she wants her, but she wants Tina to want her more. And off she goes. But Tina doesn’t know that, and I pray to Sister Agatha that they have a conversation about this, but I really won’t be surprised if they don’t or at least we just never get to see it.

Shane is now skateboarding rather gingerly, until she sees Carmen in the crowd. She has brought Russell Simmons to the party. It’s a bit confusing as to whether she did the gig or not, because he’s with her. I think maybe we’re meant to think that she ditched the gig to be there for Shane’s thing and that he’s there because the producers had an offer of a guest star, so they had to show his face somehow. Really glad to have seen Russell Simmons, don’t get me wrong, but this sort of guest star placing just serves to confuse us all the more.

Anyway…she puts on a special mix CD she did for Shane and everyone dances and everyone’s happy and I get this ominous feeling that they knew they had to show them all being happy before some serious shit hits next week. And I’m sure that the song has a Betty quality to it. It’s subtly disguised Betty, but I’m sensing it. I think I have developed Bettydar, which I hope will come in use some day to help me avoid overdosing on Betty, or at least being able to spot a Betty in a crowded room. As the song really gets going, we see a shot of a fire burning outside. I’m still a bit confused about who lit whose fire, but I like the flames. I think they’re dancing to Betty. Heck, who am I kidding! So am I!  

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.

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