And so it begins anew…we’re on a bus with a bunch of nuns in 1984 this time for the prelude. I’m quite digging the music that nun is playing. It’s making me think of Jesus. This scene is going to be hard to write about without constantly thinking of nun jokes, but I’ll try. Basically one nun spots that another is reading a lesbian book, cunningly hidden inside the sleeve of another…and she loves it! And they proceed to wank each other off as we hear prayers etc in the background. Oh and they’re called Toni and Agatha! It’s Toni again – she gets around doesn’t she? What do you call a nun getting a wank on a bus? 6! Two in the front, two in the back and two in the boot. Um…mixed jokes there…sorry.

Women who love long-life, women who don’t. This is the milk, the milk that will keep! Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow (guitar bit)…I’m digging it this week.

Sharmen turn up at a skateboard yard type thingy, which is way cool - it’s a place where they design skateboards and sell trendy clothes and the guy wants Shane to work there ‘doing hair’ – ‘Shane for Wax’! Now this guy mentions he has a boyfriend so I’m relieved to know that this shouldn’t turn out for Shane how it did in the first season, where she got offered her own shop because she was fucking Cherie, and then it all fell through. But you never know with this show.
Back with the tarot cardreader (?!?) and Helena wants to know more about her future, particularly whether or not she will do okay with the movie studio. She’s told to follow her instincts and also that an ex will be involved in making it successful. Wonder who that may be? I may be wrong, but I think it’ll be that shrink she used to shag. They had great chemistry. But Helena seems to have twigged who it might be and I wonder if I’m wrong. I wish she’d asked more about her future romance – I’m really hoping there will be a scene where she makes a pass at Alice only to realise that they’re just so not right together. Now that would be funny. It would be like Dana and Jenny in Season 1. I can still remember the uncomfortable humour of that mismatch and the shock of seeing all those ribs.

At Bette and Tina’s house, and Bette hears on the phone that the exhibit she’s been working on is has lost its grant. It’s been pulled because of the political content of the show – because it criticises Bush. They’ve got to be careful here – if some unsuspecting lesbian switched on this show right at this minute, she may think that this show is anti-bush and we all know that isn’t true. She tells Tina, who thinks it must be unconstitutional – for a moment they are bonded over their hatred for Bush, until Tina realises that this will mean no income for Bette. Bette doesn’t seem at all bothered by this and keeps on ranting, but Tina interrupts her and says they’re going to need to fire Angus because they could barely afford him before and definitely can’t now. Bette looks so hurt that Tina has said this, but I’m with Tina on this one. It’s a terrible political climate, yaddah yaddah yaddah. No-one’s disagreeing with you Bette. But you’re going to be homeless if you don’t have any money and you can’t LIVE in art – unless you are skinny enough to squeeze into one of those empty jars you have, but where would Angelica go? That just wouldn’t be practical. No no no Bette. Reality check! But silly Bette can’t hear me as I shout at the screen and goes on to accuse Tina of laying her ‘petty bourgeois anxiety’ on her on top of everything else and I switch off then as I am totally lost.

Tina ends the ‘discussion’ by taking Angelica to feed her. I’m noticing that poor old Angelica seems to be becoming a bit of a power struggle pawn – whoever wants to feel in control at that time insists on holding her and talking about feeding. Let’s see what kind of eating disorder she ends up by Season 11 shall we ?

Bette calls some guy at an auction house and discusses the possibility of auctioning something from her personal collection. From what we can gather, he says that one of her paintings in particular would get a lot of money, but she doesn’t seem happy about getting rid of it. It’s a scary picture of a deer which I’m sure will cause Angelica nightmares in the future. Put your family first Bette - sell the painting!

At the Planet and BB is ordering people around and basically acting as if he has ADHD. He’s ordering people to move tables, then he’s trying food from Lara’s tray, then he’s ordering people to move tables, then he’s trying food from Lara’s tray…you get my point. He gives me a headache this guy. I’m over the cute Scottishness already - it’s beginning to grate now. Kit is not impressed either, especially as he keeps changing the thermostat so that she’s boiling hot. It’s your menopause dear - nature’s own thermostat. I don’t really like the way that BB keeps saying things like “our community” and “our people”. Apparently ‘we’ like vegetarian and vegan food and ‘we’ like wireless internet points…well he’s actually right…but he’s still annoying me.

Sharmen (have we actually seen these two apart since the beginning of the season yet?) arrive home to find Jenny and Moira are parked in the driveway. Carmen seems to turn her nose up at Moira straight away by implying that she doesn’t look like a woman. Shane is just happy to see Jenny who she kindly calls “you fucking lunatic!” Not the best comment to make when greeting someone who just spent 6 months in a psychiatric hospital, but somehow Shane can get away with it. Introductions go well, but it’s downhill from there, as Moira makes the first faux pas of her stay …she says they haven’t even had time to take a piss yet! Oh my god - I can’t believe it! That’s truly shocking and deserved of the horrible looks that Shane and Carmen have plastered on their faces. Not.

Yap yap yap. Who is that? Only THE Cutest puppy ever…Sharmen are puppy sitting him and he returns the favour by peeing on Jenny’s shirt. Now if Moira had done that then it would warrant a shocked look. Jenny says she is allergic to dogs but Carmen says it will be fine because he hardly has any hair. Moira chips in that it’s the saliva that people are allergic too, not the hair. An interesting fact I think and Shane takes this fine, but Carmen gives Moira the death stare as if she has just pissed on Jenny’s shirt and on her’s and on Shane’s, and faux pas number 2 hangs in the air. Note to Moira – don’t talk about piss or saliva, because you’re you and even though Shane can talk about it, and the gang are happy having conversations in public cafes about the million names for the vagina, coming from you this is just unacceptable! It’s so un-LA!

Dog pissing incident over, Moira goes to get the bags from the truck, telling the “girls” that “the butches” will do it. Carmen takes the piss straight away and suddenly I’m feeling that this is my episode to hate Carmen. Unless she gets her incredible arse out again, in which case I’ll forgive her the world. Shane ‘the big butch’ ends up on the receiving end of a large flying bag and she nearly snaps in two under the weight, showing that those of us who thought that Shane was butch really haven’t been around enough and have much to learn about true butchness!

Angus and Angelica are walking along the street – well he’s walking and she’s bouncing, and he’s singing that cute song again – the one from the first episode – “Hello to the tree! So glad to see you!” I could so sing that song all day – it would drive people crazy wouldn’t it? Fabulous. They pass the Planet just as Kit is taking a breather from her menopause, and good old Angus provides her with a great excuse for a mood swing – she demands to know what he’s doing with Angelica, but soon chills out when he explains that he’s her ‘manny’ – haha! I like it when you put an m at the front of words to make them ‘male’…moobs (man boobs) is my favourite.

Kit invites them both in for a drink. Angus accepts, but Angelica says she’s busy and goes off to meet some mates at the park. She’s a crazy kid! Kit decides to call Angus the manny ‘Mangus’. I think that’s a horrible name…it just conjures up bad things in my mind…like mould and fungus…so I’m going to ignore that from now on.  

At the movie studio (and just in case we didn’t realise it – they’ve helpfully got a subtle shot of the Hollywood sign in the background), Helena and Tina are driving through the back lot in one of those golf buggy things. They’re both looking fabulous I have to say – Tina looks a bit Matrixy with her long black coat and her sunglasses. Helena asks if Bette has found a new job yet? Tina looks at her like “are you going to start being a bitch again?”

At the Planet and Bette arrives to find Kit doing what I think is a terrible Scottish accent when she says “Mangus” (I wince) – in fact it’s so terrible I’m wondering if that is what she’s doing or whether the soundman just fucked up on this shot. Kit talks about Angus’ tight booty. Where’s the tarot readerer when you need her? I wonder if she’d see a sexual harassment case looming, like I am. Angus goes straight into Bette’s bag of shopping (nosey bastard) and finds a self-help book – ‘Going to pieces without falling apart’ – Kit wants to know what’s up baby sis? Bette tells her about her two big woes of the day – they pulled the funding AND Tina is so worried about money that Bette may have to take a job she doesn’t feeling intensely passionate about. Welcome to the real world Bette! Angus says you should never take a job that doesn’t make your heart sing. He’s a wise one isn’t he? Well Kit is definitely digging his wiseness and his tight booty.

Back at the movie studio and Helena propositions Tina to come and work with her. She’s charming and flatters Tina, and we see her smile the first genuine smile we’ve seen since the ‘incident’ last episode on the computer. Movies and sex chat rooms are obviously what get her going at the moment.

At the house of butch and femme, poor old skinny malinkey Shane is knackered from shifting all the bags and has to have a lie down. Carmen says that she’s put the dog in ‘her studio’. Since when did it become hers?  I’m sensing there’s going to be housemate issues here. Moira hefts all the bags up in one hand and says she’s going to put them in “our bedroom”. Carmen (very unsubtly) mutters “our fucking bedroom?” under her breath. Nooo - she is not happy. Apparently they’re having a dinner tonight for Jenny, and Carmen seems shocked that Moira will be coming. Boo Carmen. Be friendly! And then Moira wades straight on into faux pas number 3 – giving cows balls as a gift! And why does she chew that ball in such an intense way? Pick up on the vibes girl – reassure them you aren’t a crazy!

Aah – the lovely sound of Alice’s voice on the airwaves. Tonight’s show is all about ending a vicious cycle – medicating your medication. She then proceeds to go through each drug that she’s tried, and we see flashbacks of the crazy things she did on them. Yay! Something about the last 6 months! And something funny! We see Alice slashing Dana’s tyre, having a hallucinatory dinner with the cardboard Dana, impatiently queuing for her ADHD medication behind a jittery teenage boy, wisely throwing away the drugs that could cause her to commit suicide (you should really flush them down the toilet Al – so there’s no danger of finding yourself rooting through the bin at 3 in the morning, desperate and ranting), and finally we see her emotionally trying to masturbate, but only ending up sobbing. That montage should’ve been funnier than I found it. I think I just want Alice to be happy again now. I’m suddenly finding very little enjoyment in watching her misery, and that’s quite a surprise for me as usually that’s totally my thing.

From the cardboard Dana to the real Dana, and here she is on the table at the lady doctor’s, getting a breast exam. She has a rash, but no discharge from the nipple, but she has slightly swollen lymph nodes. Uhoh – 2 out of 3! I like this lady doctor – she has a very soothing voice and I think Dana’s going to appreciate that soon. The doc is sure there’s nothing wrong, but sends her down for a mammogram just in case.

Cut back to Alice at the radio station, trying unsuccessfully to avoid her manager who isn’t happy that she mentioned Dana 27 times in the show, which is better than the 43 times in the last show. She is stressed out with Alice and demands she see scripts in future - she has one last chance before she gets fired. I hope she washes that Dana right out of her hair soon and becomes happy Alice again. You have bigger fish to fry Alice (haha – I’m all spoilered up!).  

Back at the hospital and Dana has to put her boob on the plate and breathe in. She’s cracking jokes through it, but looks worried now. Then we see her outside in the corridor waiting, just as the radio plays an advert for Alice’s show – Dana asks the nurse to turn it off, but the nurse begins talking about how funny the show is and how much that this ‘Dana’ must be a totally nitwit. Then her name gets called and the nurse sinks slowly into the floor with embarrassment.

Back in the doctor’s office, she explains that Dana has a suspicious mass (it’s wearing sunglasses, a brown overcoat and a funny hat) and will need a biopsy tomorrow. They’re both trying to be super positive, but Dana still looks worried and I want to give her a huge hug to make it all better. This is one of those times when I curse that TV is not really real and that I can’t just reach out and hug her – but then I remember that it’s not really real and there is actually no Dana with no suspicious mass and I feel better. For a second. Then I feel sad again. I confuse myself sometimes.

Tina comes home to find Bette ‘pretend reading’ (like the nun!) a magazine, but really reading her self-help book. Tina reckons the author looks like a ‘wookie’ – I don’t think there’s any way that this can be complimentary, but I love the way she says ‘wookie’ - it makes me swoon. Tina seems really uninterested in what Bette has to say about the book, and this time I think Tina is being stroppy for no reason. Bette did ask her about her lunch with Helena already, so for once it’s not all about her. Tina seems to have alarm bells ringing in her head, as if she doesn’t want to get into a deep discussion with Bette, so she goes to feed Angelica (there’s that baby feeding power dynamic again) and then rather strangely yells at Bette from the other room that “Helena Peabody” offered her a job. I wonder why she said her full name, as if there could be another Helena , and they don’t all know each other well enough by now? That would make me suspicious if I were Bette. Anyway…Bette wants to discuss it and expresses her jealousy to Tina, which Tina seems okay to listen to, until Bette suggests that she may not be okay with it and Tina says it isn’t up to her. Yep, Tina is definitely winning the battle tonight. Tina is critical of Bette’s desire to make a living and I just sigh as I can’t believe that money is now such an issue – it’s never been an issue before in this show, and it’s kind of bumming me out. I liked watching a world where a part-time waitress/writer/checkout girl could afford expensive clothes and live next door to a museum director. It gives me hope of a better life for myself.

At Alice’s apartment, and Shane and Carmen (no more Sharmen until I start liking Carmen a bit more – I don’t want to tar Shane with the same brush) are waiting for Alice to get ready so they can go for dinner. Alice is complaining about Dana and Lara being at dinner and how come she’s always the one who has to behave? Because you’re the loony one Alice , and however adorable and funny I’m finding it, none of us would want to be Dana right now. Carmen sees the cardboard Dana and is shocked by it, but good old Shane is unphased and says she should’ve seen it before - what with the shrine and everything. Alice is finally ready and sees Carmen judging her by the cardboard Dana. She assures her that she’s going to get rid of it – she just hasn’t got round to it yet. But just as I’m hoping that’s true, she turns round and uses cardboard Dana’s lips to blot out her lipstick! Haha. I liked that.

Bette, Tina, Lara and Dana are at the restaurant as Shane, Alice and Carmen arrive. Lara nicely says hi to Alice, who manages a tiny hi in return - I think that’s quite a step forward, considering that only last week she was driving Dana off the road and dumping sex toys on their table. They all discuss Jenny and whether she’s healthy or not – Lara chips in that she had a cousin who was a cutter too. I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that in this group of gay women, not one of them apart from Jenny has ever done anything resembling self-harm - yeah right. At least some bad tortuous poetry? It’s practically the same thing. Anyway…Jenny and Moira arrive and Moira is busy committing faux pas number 4 - wearing a lumberjack shirt to dinner. There are hugs all round, but no one thinks to introduce Moira, who stands awkwardly at the back. I know it’s Jenny’s job and she does eventually do it, but I just think some of the others could’ve made more of an effort. When she is introduced they all kind of just look at her like she’s in a cage at the zoo, except for Bette who’s the only one who steps forward and shakes her hand and introduces herself. Good for you Bette. I like you again. Moira says what a huge fan she is of Dana’s and she’s totally start struck and it’s really cute, but that bloody Carmen does this really annoying sigh which is so obviously meant to imply how awkward she thinks it all is. Have I mentioned I don’t like Carmen anymore? No sign of the arse yet so I’m sticking to my guns about this irrational hatred now.

At the table Moira is confused as shit about the menu, as am I. She just wants a salad and fries, but the waiter starts rambling on about artichokes and pine cones and he’s totally lost both of us. Poor Moira is sat at the head of the table, so she can’t hide behind anyone - so we can see just how uncomfortable she looks throughout the meal. I can’t be bothered to explain the whole thing because it will make me too mad, but basically Moira is totally out of her depth and totally overwhelmed by all of the gang’s impressive discussions about food, writing and eating disorders. As well as this we find out that Jenny has sent her book to a publisher, and Alice makes a few bitchy remarks directed at Dana and Lara. The conversation turns quite dark and they decide to change the subject so Moira asks Bette and Tina about Angelica. This is really sweet of her, but then bang – faux pas number 5 – she acts as if it’s a really amazing progressive thing to do and says she knows some women at home who are doing that too. Again there is silence, and I can see Carmen with that judgemental smirk. I hate this whole dinner – which is surprising as I usually love these group scenes, but is there no subtle way of showing us that Moira is different other than making all the characters we love so much come across as total snobby bitches? In fact the only thing I like about this whole thing is the way that Shane reacts to the thought of anything bad ever happening to Angelica – how cool would it be to have Shane as your aunt? I would’ve loved that when I was little. Heck, I’d love it now.

By the pool at Bette and Tina’s and Kit has come over to sit with Angus and Angelica. She sings Ange to sleep and then chats to Angus, who encourages her to think about producing her own album. They agree to ‘chat’ about it some more in the future. And by ‘chat’ I think they mean something else…I think they mean discuss.

Back at the restaurant we see Moira in the toilets being laughed at by some more bitchy women. I just feel sad at the moment. Making a huge effort to keep her chin up, Moira comes back to find her food on the table. Usually I love it when I get back from the toilet to find the wait is over and my food has arrived, but if I had just got what Moira has received I would have the same look on my face. One of shock, confusion and sheer hunger. It’s salad gone mad! They all start annoyingly offering each other their food and Tina does this dramatic roll of her eyes when Bette talks about the lobster sauce. What’s that all about? Then they all make a huge deal about Moira politely declining the offer of lobster (god Moira – faux pas number 6 – being polite!) and all in all it’s very uncomfortable. Especially when she starts to tell her story about the difference between male and female lobsters. I think that’s quite an interesting fact, but ding dong – it’s the final faux pas and after yet another snidey comment by Carmen (who’s beginning to annoy me as much as Marina did - and that was a whole lot), Moira decides to leave.

Jenny runs after her to check she’s okay (bit late for that now I think) while the others all talk about her behind her back. Nice. They all seem to be totally judging her and second guessing why her and Jenny are together. Shane and Bette seem to be the only ones who have some understanding of what’s going on with Moira, but they are outnumbered. And also, they are all so short-sighted that they can’t see that she was really talking about them when she was telling the story about the lobsters. Well…if the point of this dinner was to make us feel like Moira must have felt, then they’ve done a great job of it. I feel too sick to want to eat my tea now.

Back at the poolside and Kit is telling Angus about how she abandoned David to do her music – but Angus gets her and understands why she did it – it was the pull of the music! They share a ‘moment’ and I think he’s quite cute by candlelight and Kit has that menopausal glow about her. I’m feeling the electricity here. Angus gives TOE man a serious run for his money – way cuter!

Back at the restaurant and Bette grabs the bill and insists that SHE pay for it and duly receives all the praise and thanks of the table. Tina is NOT happy and I don’t blame her – I would be furious about this if I were in her position.  

In the bathroom and Dana comes out of the cubicle to find Alice waiting for her. Ooo…it’s like in the Planet bathroom at the beginning of season 2 (that seems like such a long time ago now and I wish it didn’t). I desperately want one of them to push the other up against the hand-drier, but it doesn’t happen and instead Alice promises that she’s trying to get over it all and they both hope they can be friends soon. But as Alice leaves I notice a spark of chemistry still there and a glimmering ember of hope catches light in this old romantic Dalice fan.

Back at the table and oh the embarrassment! Bette’s credit card has been declined. Everyone insists on paying their share and Bette is defeated – and whispers to Tina “happy now?” I don’t think she is, I don’t think anyone is after that dinner.
Cut to the house and Tina is calling Helena to accept the job and Bette is wrapping up her scary deer painting, presumably to sell it. Both of them are doing what they think they need to, without consulting the other. This ship has sailed now – there is no going back I think, and I kind of just want them to split and get it over with. Is that cynical of me?

As Dana gets ready for bed, Lara creeps up behind her and grabs her boobs, but Dana pushes her away and says “don’t”. I’m not sure if this is because of the health stuff or because she’s thinking about Alice . Of course I hope it’s because she’s thinking about Alice , but what is surprising is that they don’t seem able to talk about it. There’s not much good communication going on between any of our girls tonight.

Shane approaches Jenny as she sits on the steps of their house. Moira still hasn’t turned up and Jenny is feeling terrible about it – Shane assures her that she didn’t fuck up, that it wasn’t her fault. No - it was all of your faults.

Cut to Moira alone in the dark at some viewing point outside of the city and she’s crying and looking very alone and angry. I’m officially a big fan of Moira’s now – she’s struggling and just needs some kindness. Will she get any next week? Will we get some humour back? Will Alice get her happy groove back? Will I be able to think of ANYTHING funny to say about it all? Now there’s a cliffhanger for you. But before you go – What’s black white black white black white? A nun rolling down a hill! What’s black and white and laughing? The nun that pushed her! Byeeeeeeeeeee.

© Debbie Anderson for Laurel Holloman Online. Not to be reproduced without permission.

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