Has it been a week already? It’s flown by! How exciting that it’s L time again!

Pre-credits weirdness this week: some woman is wandering around the Castro in 1979 - she’s looking for sex in all the wrong places. She seems to be only ‘female’ gay in this village – except for one other, who the men point her towards. To cut a short story short, they end up fucking in an alleyway. It all looks like one of those bad Prince videos – dripping gutters and moody lighting. The other woman has a cross around her neck, there’s mumbling about not knowing who she is, not being able to stop etc. Just your usual alleyway banter. And there are the chart positions again – Toni and Teri! I’m sure that at least one of them was in that kitchen last week getting ‘down’ over the sink. Now this is a good sign! One idea being continued between episodes. But I’m not going to get too excited – it’s still totally random people I don’t really care about, even if there is a theme building here. Maybe by the end of the season Toni and Teri will be the new Bette and Tina?

It’s the way that we live……and LOVE! That’s all I want to say about that this week.

For the first scene of this week’s episode we’re on the road with Jenny and Moira. Moira’s car is ‘phat’ (is that the correct use of that term?!?) – all that computer geekiness must pay well. They’re playing that fun car game of ‘count the roads kill’ – especially fun to play with small impressionable children I’ve found. No surprise – Jenny has spotted the most dead animal bodies, so Moira (I still can’t believe that’s really her name) has to give her a prize. Carcass on a stick? Jenny looks for her prize but stumbles across a taser gun in Moira’s glove box. Even Jenny seems a bit weirded out by this. Maybe these two will be a good match – they’re both a bit odd aren’t they? Apparently Moira gets shit from people quite a lot and has the gun for protection, just in case. How easy would life be if you could do that? Just shock everyone who gave you shit? I imagine you could get into all sorts of trouble if you had that gun when Flo came to visit. Well I could anyway, I hate everyone then.

Anyway…Jenny gets her prize …it’s a teeny tiny bag of coke I think. But in the ‘coke kit’ there’s also a razor blade, which freaks Jenny out a bit. We know this because some strange music, kind of like glasses tinkling at a cocktail party, is playing in the background. I assume this means that Jenny is scared and having a memory/flashback Moira gets it – she must know her memory/flashback music well – and she suggests they leave the coke till they’re closer to LA. Aah! She gets Jenny! She’s cute, but I hope she isn’t a druggy. That’s the last thing Jenny needs I think. We’ve seen her flashbacks -- oh my god - imagine the kind of freaky trips she’d have on acid! Woah! Don’t go there Ilene.

Now we’re back in LA and we’re at the Planet with Kit and some new potential bar manager called Billy Blakey, let’s call him BB (or else the alliteration is going to kill me), played by the wonderful Alan Cummings. Love him! Seems that he’s going to be throwing a party night and it’s going to be fabulous and he’s going to impress the menopause out of Kit. He’s very cocky and cheeky, but he’s got that Scottish accent going on so he’s forgiven.

At the Gay and Lesbian Center and Alice is in a group therapy meeting for Loveaholics. She’s analysing why she was with Lisa the lesbian man (the good old days when Alice was actually a practicing bisexual) amongst others and has decided that she’s an OLA (Obsessive Love Addict). All the other people in the group seem to be Love Addicts too, which is good for Alice to know she isn’t the only one I guess. She’s still very jittery and seems to drink way too much coke. She’s also still looking a little mis-dressed, but the fact that I think she looks better this season than last is just a testament to how badly they dressed her last season I think. I still have nightmares about that red outfit she wore to pride. Alice lets slip that it’s her birthday this week and she’s thinking it would be nice if Dana brought her a gift, maybe kissed her eyelids! Freak! Everything Leisha does at the moment is just so funny – even the way she says thank you when they all wish her happy birthday! She’s just too cute and she’s wearing the ‘sex glasses’, as I like to call them. She thinks she’s justified in her obsession because their sex life was just so unbelievably amazingly fucking amazing. I’m happy that Alice has gone to get help but she’s so in denial about having a problem and still thinks she’s going to get back with Dana. First comes denial, then comes acceptance, then comes calm, then comes revenge! You’re made the first step…keep walking towards the light Alice .

Outside the Center and Helena is waiting for Alice , talking to one of her kids on the phone. She’s saying that she wishes she could be going to the ballet too and I assume that she’s talking to her daughter, but no, as she says to Alice “I wonder if most little boys get that excited about the ballet?” I have to say that I think the writing is way better this season. Just tiny little things like that are making me love it. Alice tells her that the meeting sucked and Helena tells her she has a surprise for her. She opens the car door, just as Alice lets out a huge burp. Wah! “I’m so sorry. I’m such a gross bisexual love addict right now.” Out of the car pops Janice, who’s there to ‘take care’ of Alice . She works for an exclusively lesbian service. I’m wondering if it’s wrong that I’m digging her overalls. Alice is wondering if she’s a hooker! This scene is just too funny. Helena breathes in the social faux pas and proceeds to explain that Janice works for a cleaning service “Lez Clean Up”. I’m loving that Helena is trying so hard to help Alice out. I wonder if she’s still worried that Alice is the love of her life? Alice gives her a huge hug as thanks, and Janice joins in saying how much she loves the Chart. Oh dear! I think Janice could be a potential stalker too! Not a good combination! And can I just say that Rachel Shelley is matching Leisha with her comic skills and I’m loving it!

Back in the car with Thelma and Louise, Jenny decides to make Moira come while she’s driving. Um. Why? I hate it when Jenny gets all hooker like this. It just never rings true. But maybe that’s the point? She’s trying to put on an act and she thinks being sexual is what she has to do. Has the therapy worked I wonder? So, she goes down on her, which I personally think looks totally undoable. That’s a damn good way to put your neck out I think. Jenny makes it clear to Moira before she starts that she is NOT her girlfriend. Okay? Got it. But before she can work her magic, the car slows to a halt as they’ve run out of gas. Bugger. Moira tells her to keep going “don’t blue-ball me”. She’s a bit manly isn’t she this Moira?  

At Alice’s and Janice is doing the worst cleaning I’ve ever seen. She’s basically just tapping everything with a feather duster. She’s happily whistling away until she happens upon ‘the shrine’. Yep – there’s the cut-out of Dana looking a bit freaky actually now I’m seeing it in the cold light of day. Her face looks strange. Janice brings the shrine to Helena ’s attention. Seems it’s the first time she’s seen it too. “Jesus bloody Christ!” She screams like an angry mother; “ Alice !” Out comes Alice , smoking a joint. Uhoh Alice. They’ve stumbled across your well hidden shrine. “That’s no biggy” replies Alice . “It’s a fucking shrine Alice ” counters Helena . The conversation is just too fucking funny – Helena tells Janice to dismantle it, but Alice grabs the cut-out and pleads to them to let it live. Helena and Alice start to wrestle for the cut-out, whilst Dana’s plastic face smiles happily at us. They compromise and Alice allows them to take the shrine but not the cut-out. Helena orders Janice to get a box, which she does, but it’s Alice’s box of tricks, including THE scariest pink gimp mask I have ever seen, which Alice proceeds to put on as she listens, and finally agrees with Helena that it’s time to start getting over Dana. Quite possibly my favourite L word scene EVER!

Cut to the Planet and Alice does what Helena has clearly told her to do – she tips out the box of tricks on the table in front of Lara and Dana, who were happily getting on with their day. “I didn’t have a chance to wash everything, so…” Wah! And woah! How many dildos did they have exactly? They’re everywhere!

They’re not in the middle of nowhere, but I think they can see it from there! Jenny and Moira pee at the side of the road: Jenny assumes the ‘normal’ (and by normal I want you to know I’m making no judgements here) position, while Moira does it standing up. Apparently she’s done it like that since she was a kid. Cool trick. I tried it once but peed inside my trousers. My advice; don’t try it when you’re drunk and fully dressed – do it naked in the shower until you’ve perfected the trajectory. Along comes a camper van (could that van BE any camper? Haha), which luckily stops to help them out. The guy looks at Moira suspiciously, but he and his wife seem fairly convinced that she is Jenny’s husband Max, as Moira tells him that’s who she is. And boy does she have a macho swagger as she walks to that camp van. How ironic.

Back at the Planet and Sharmen are being all hot together again in front of Bette, Tina and Kit. I sigh as I see that Shane’s hair is still poodle-like. Guess I’m going to have to get used to that then. Bette comments that at least someone is getting a little ‘something something’ to which she receives a very subtle ‘look’ from Tina. So the lack of sex is definitely Tina’s doing I think. Kit is talking about her Vegas night and how BB is going to make it fabulous. Carmen is surprised and terribly excited that he is organising the night. Didn’t he say before that he had organised Carmen to DJ? So surely they spoke already? There’s that bad continuity again. You’ve gotta love it. Seems that BB is the best party promoter in town! Seems he also has a bit of a reputation for not being able to ‘keep it in his pants’.

Sharmen explain to Bette and Tina that they can’t make Angelica’s party as they have to go to the sweet fifteen party with Carmen’s family. Tina tells them not to worry about it. Why is she so subdued in this scene? She doesn’t seem herself at all. Oh dear. What with that and the ‘look’, it’s all a bit ominous I think. Anyway…as Bette is talking about the party, Alice and Helena approach, only for Alice to slow down and stop, whispering to Helena that they should wait as she thinks the gang are organising a surprise birthday party for her. After a brief pause they approach the table and Tina invites Alice to the six month party. Alice is assuming this is codeword for ‘big fabulous party for Alice ’. She insists that she bring Helena , telling Bette that it’s time – Bette still has a right face on her and looks sullen compared to Helena ’s niceness. Sharmen both seem to think it’s only fair as her and Alice are always hanging out and are good friends. Bette very ungraciously offers an invite, but then cuts Helena off just as she’s trying to be polite and friendly and doing a much better job at being gracious. Bette leaves, as does Tina, silently. Those two are just not good and Bette pisses me off the way she just gets up and leaves. She did it all the time in season 1, but not so much in season 2. Is she reverting to type?

Next we see Moira coming out of a toilet in some small backwater town. Some girl has a go at her for being in the ladies room. Moira is defiant. “I’m a girl!”, swagger.

Moira comes out and gets back into the car with Jenny as the girl walks over to her friends and points Moira out to them. Moira senses trouble and it comes; “fuck you faggot!” One of the guys grabs Moira out of the car, but Jenny is there to protect her with the taser gun. This makes him let go quick enough. He turns and walks away only for Jenny to blast him anyway. “We’re not faggots, we’re dykes you asshole!” I know it’s so wrong that Jenny did that to him, but I’m so glad she did! This whole road trip is now reminding me of Thelma and Louise. Even the music as they drive away reminds me of it.
Now we’re at the Planet’s theme night “Vulva Las Vegas”. Billy is introducing it to the crowd. He’s dirty and crude and makes a joke about having sex with children. I think it’s either love him or hate him; there’s no middle ground with him. He snogs a woman and he’s wearing a codpiece. He’s crazy! But I agree with him when he tells them all to keep drinking cause everyone looks cuter, cause I’ve had a few and I’m beginning to think he looks kinda cute.

Jenny and Moira are at some small town gay bar and I notice that Jenny is wearing a headscarf with a brown overcoat. I know her dress sense has been a bit wacky in the past, but come back carnival type bolero jackets – all is forgiven – you’ve got to be better than this middle-aged look she’s going for now.

Back at Vegas night and Dana and Lara are playing roulette. It’s frustrating me the way they keep showing Dana and Lara so superficially. I want to know what both of them, but especially Dana think about the Alice situation. Tonight they seem to be getting on okay with each other – or at least are okay to be in the same room and Dana looks so unbothered. I don’t want to think that Dana’s uncaring but I’m sensing that she is. Shane suggests that Bette put all her chips on 32 red, which of course she does, and of course that’s what comes up. Totally unexplained as to why that was. Is it like Lost? Does the number 32 have significance here? Bette notices BB snogging a guy (subtle way of telling us he’s bisexual and a total tart) much to Bette’s distaste – it’s all a bit debauched and sexual for her in here tonight. I think she’s got blue balls. Alice comes up and throws a load of dental damns at Dana. Thank goodness she’s still a bit of a loon. There’s still comedy to be had there I think.

In the small town gay bar Jenny and Moira are getting hammered on tequila. They seem to be having a great time until Moira inexplicably goes to dance with some woman as soon as Jenny’s back is turned. Jenny is not having this and ‘cuts in’ and says that she is Moira’s girlfriend. I guess that seeing her with someone else makes her jealous to the point of reason. What freaks me out about this scene though is that there seems to be a man with learning disabilities in the background on the dance floor, waving his hands. What? Why? Who?

Bette approaches Kit at the Planet and expresses her disgust at BB’s sense of humour. On the stage come Elvis and Anne Margaret impersonators. Watching the Elvis makes me think of Ivan – he was the best drag king ever. Much better than this guy. Anne Margaret seems good, though I have no idea who Anne Margaret is or what she sounded like so she could actually be really crap for all I know. In walks Kit’s son David to get a glimpse of all the debauchery. “This looks like a nightmare” he says to Bette. Um, bigot anyone? Did anyone order a bigot? He looks like he wants to spit on Anne Margaret. Bette wants to talk to him but up walk Kit and BB. David spouts off about how the place if full of freaks and that it’s only going to attract more freaks. BB seems perturbed by this “for a minute I was seriously considering shagging you, but you’re not a very nice fella are you?” – David squirms. Haha. Kit chooses that moment to announce that BB is going to be her new manager. David is disgusted and Kit lets rip at him. In a strange reversal, Bette kind of defends David and Kit and blasts him out until he leaves. I’m sensing the presence of the spirit of Melvin in the room. Turns out that Bette needs David to help schmooze the adoption social worker. Big mistake I think.

Back at their motel and Moira’s confused about what Jenny wants. Welcome to our world Moira. Jenny doesn’t know what she wants, except for Moira to get up against the wall, which she does like a good doggy. She tells her to unbutton her shirt, which she does. Jenny presses her up against that wall and tells her she wants to fuck her, cause Moira never lets her apparently. But Moira can’t do that. It’s just not her bag Jenny so deal. But this admission seems to bring them closer together and they hug instead of fuck and they’re closer than before. Aah.

In bed with Bette and Tina (wouldn’t that be great?) and Bette is wide awake and starts telling Tina about how scared she is about the adoption stuff, work stuff, money stuff, everything you can worry about really. This is huge for Bette – if she’d have said all of this in season 1 maybe she would’ve never gone off with the carpenter? But, despite pouring her hear out, Tina is fast asleep. I do think that Tina would’ve woken up for that. I’m sensing that this episode is trying to show us that Tina has grown distant from both the group and Bette.

Shortest scene ever – Moira is carrying all the bags in the world, from the room to the car. Blink and you’ll miss it. Another example of her being manly? We get it! She’s butch!

At Bette and Tina’s house and they’re waiting for the social worker again. Kit is still pissed off with David, who still has no idea why he’s there. Bette starts to explain that they want him to vouch for them and say he will be an important male figure in Angelica’s life. I’m wondering why A. they didn’t tell him this before the knock at the door, and B. do they really think he’s the best person to ask to do this, considering he’s just so obviously a bigot? Anyway…in comes the social worker just in time to hear that David doesn’t believe in gay adoption and that he won’t vouch for them. And off he goes, leaving a trail of devastation in his wake. Tina looks confused, Kit looks sooo angry, the social worker looks smug and Bette looks devastated. Angelica just looks tense and confused, as any six month old would in an atmosphere like that. That or she’s just done a big poo in her nappy.

Bette is at a gallery showing a work of art about eating pussy, to some woman. She begins to talk about her and Tina and Tina’s lack of support, and how much they are arguing. She’s genuinely upset and obviously has to let it out as she hasn’t had an opportunity to talk to Tina. She thinks that therapy is not gong to work for them anymore, so the woman gives her a flyer about a Buddhist therapist who is giving a talk about desire. This woman thinks it will do Bette the world of good and that it will resonate with her. I hope so.

At home with Sharmen, and Carmen is dressed all girly, but slouched on the sofa like a tomboy. Shane comes in dressed in the white dress, but also with her baseball boots on. Now I have seen Kate doing glamorous model shots so I know this it’s pure acting that is making Shane look so damn uncomfortable in that dress. And it’s really funny. Carmen says she would look good on the top of a tranny wedding cake. Wah! Carmen tries to work her magic by whispering Spanish love messages in Shane’s ear and off they go again, until Carmen goes off in search of girly shoes. It just gets better!

At Bette and Tina’s and it’s Angelica’s party and Alice and Helena arrive. Alice still thinks she’s the birthday girl, but quickly realises that it really is a six month party for Angelica. Oh poor Alice . She’s wearing a cute party dress too.

At Carmen’s family home and they’re all getting their hair done. Shane looks all cute and gawky, like a teenager boy on a date. Shane seems to be coping until they insist on doing her hair. She’s trying so hard but practically bites off the hand of the woman who suggests cutting her uneven hair straight.

Back at the party and Helena has a quiet word with Bette and Tina about the Alice ‘situation’, despite Bette jumping straight down her throat as soon as she opens her mouth. Stop that Bette! It’s a party! And why the hell is Tina so mute? Seems that Bette and Tina both forgot about Alice ’s birthday. Nice. Poor Alice is skulking uncomfortably around the room and mutters “who do you have to fuck around here to get a beer?” Wah! But Bette and Tina managed to change the cake so it says Angelica and Alice . Alice is so happy and I’ve forgiven them for forgetting Alice , but only barely. But Tina does look cute and happy at the end which is a nice change for this episode.

At the sweet fifteen party and some guy is given to Shane to look after. He’s Carmen’s ‘would be’ sweetheart. I just can’t concentrate on the words as I’m pissing myself at how funny Shane looks. She now has awful hair extensions that just don’t go with her short hair at all! She dances with the guy who says he has always loved Carmen. It’s just so funny to see them dancing together. Shane is so awkward and says “what’s up Louis?” in the most ungirly way. She’s clearly freaked out about the fact that she’s dancing with this guy who’s in love with her girlfriend. Carmen cuts in and starts dancing with Shane, which apparently is okay to do in Latino culture. Cool. They have a laugh together about the hair – Carmen owes her big time and I want to see the payback!

The party has finished and Bette and Tina thank Angus and ask him if he would be Angelica’s nanny. He’s thrilled and again says how much he needs the money. He always seems to be sweating too. Is he on drugs? Cause drugs and babies don’t go well together. They really bring you down Angus. Alice is also there and says how much she enjoyed the party – she hasn’t thought about Dana for about 47 minutes. Bless.

Dana and Lara are in the bath having a giggle and talking about training. She’s been so busy training that she forgot her doctor’s appointment. In fact, she feels weird showing her ‘woodle’ (I may well have misheard that due to the echo in the bath and the fact that one of Lara’s woodles was on full display and kept catching my eye) to a male doctor. She promises to go and see a lady doctor – Bette and Tina know one! They’re like gold dust those lady doctors aren’t they?

Back with Jenny and Moira and they are at yet another small town gay bar (Thelma and Louise would’ve been so much better if they had less of the subtle lesbian undertones and they had gone to more small town gay bars). This one is hosting a ‘bear night’ which seems to be when a gay bar is full of hairy men with bad taste in 80’s music. The girls dance, they laugh, they’re falling in love!

Back at the house, Shane has the dress off and is smoking moodily against the table. Yay! The old Shane is back! Carmen decides to reward her with a striptease and I have to say yowzer! How good does Carmen look in that underwear and those suspenders! Just as it’s getting hot and heavy on the table, the phone rings and Carmen stupidly answers. Why? I never understand when people do that! Anyway, it’s Jenny calling. I sense they haven’t heard from her in a while. Jenny tells them they will be there in a few days – her and her ‘maybe girlfriend’ Moira just as we see the two of them lying back in the pickup truck.

Bette is at her talk by the Buddhist guy and he’s talking about art and desire, and darn it - I think that woman was right – it does seem to be resonating with Bette. She’s searching so badly for something but I know not what. And neither does she I think.

We see a computer screen with the poetic words of ‘DaddyOf2’ on the screen saying “I’m hard”. ‘Lindsey76’ says she thought it was a meeting room for friends who want to talk. But Daddy isn’t looking for friends. He wants to fuck and he thinks Lindsey does too. She protests for a while, but soon enough she says that yes she wants him to fuck her and of course the camera pans up and it’s Tina at the computer. She looks both guilty and turned on and I can hear thousands of TiBette fans across the world sigh, and the huge thud as most of them faint and hit the floor. Me, I’m just happy that I saw Tina smiling again. She’s searching too…will they find each other again I wonder?

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