Okay…despite appearing so cynical and sarcastic about the episodes…I just have to say that I’m officially excited as I sit here waiting for season 3 to start!

And we’re off…we still have a seemingly unconnected scene with lots of women sat in a house in California in 1973. But there’s jazzy music playing; it’s upbeat. It’s not all arty and dark, so this is a good start already. They’re all holding hand mirrors and looking between their legs and ‘sharing’ their impressions. Did none of them wear underwear to this gathering? If they did, where’s the pile of knickers on the floor? This show is so unrealistic. We need to see the gritty reality of these kinds of ‘parties’ Ilene. As they share their thoughts, they berate Freud and make jokes about burnt curtains. Yuk. And of course one of them is nervous and quiet in the corner. All this vagina talk has made her realise she has a shit sex life with ‘ Chad ’. She’s gutted she hasn’t experienced the full potential of her women’s bits. So of course the hostess follows her into the kitchen and pounces on her. Unfortunately this woman reminds me of Marina when she pounced on Jenny in the bathroom at Bette and Tina’s party and I remember again just how much I hated Marina and thank the lord she isn’t still in it. But I do like the way that these women’s names appear on the screen and become connected graphically, sexually, possibly emotionally, maybe even metaphorically (if only I knew what that meant). It’s the birth of the chart! The web of connectivity! Our women’s bits connect us all! Yay! I’m so happy to be watching this again!

Well they’re still dragging in moustaches…I’ve actually missed this! Well I haven’t really because I have this song as my ring tone, but then I have no friends so it’s been ages since I heard it last. But it is doubly exciting to be hearing it as the prelude to a new episode! Have I mentioned that I’m excited? But I must say that I’m truly hoping that this is the only time I’m going to hear this song during this episode. You can have too much of a good thing you know.

We’re at the radio station with Alice . Her hair is way longer than last season and I like it. She’s talking about the connection between love and the senses. It quickly becomes clear that she’s talking about Dana, just as we see Dana walking through an apartment somewhere, though wherever she is it’s daytime, and wherever Alice is it’s night time. Oh my god! Has Alice moved to the UK ? Tell me it’s true! No, calm down...I think it’s just the annoying yet somehow reassuring bad continuity I’ve come to love in this show.   Alice is reminiscing about how it feels to touch a lover, but I realise that she looks a bit sweaty and messy and not quite as nice as she should be for my first new sighting in 8 months. Uhoh! It’s 6 months after the end of last season, and Dana is sidling up to Lara in the kitchen. It seems that they’re together because Dana needed closure with her. Doesn’t look like they’re doing much closing on that work top, mostly opening I’d say. Alice is popping pills and I have a feeling she’s going to get sacked really soon. This isn’t happy radio.

Now we’re at some kind of playgroup session and some guy is playing the guitar and they’re all singing a really cute “hello” song. Where is she? Where is she? Yay! There she is! Baby Angelica with Bette and Tina. I’m loving this scene already and it’s only been on for about 30 seconds! Next it’s ‘instrument time’ and Bette is after the triangle for Angelica, but narrowly misses out to the hunky guy opposite. My first laugh out loud comes as Bette calls him an asshole, and not even under her breath! Cool. She’s still as competitive as ever I see! I also love the little girl in the yellow dress who ends up with a stick to make music with. She’s not moaning Bette, and she only has a stick! You got a funky tambourine; at least yours will make music! I think Bette should take some lessons from this 18 month old with her grown-up attitude towards sharing.

They all stand up and dance around in a circle with their instruments. Tina goes straight to talk to the cute guy to apologise for Bette’s behaviour. NO! Don’t do that Tina! Don’t apologise for her. Bette looks at Tina and the guy with mild scorn as she dances round with her tambourine. Tina excuses Bette’s rudeness by explaining that they have a visit later from someone deciding whether Bette can legally adopt Angelica. He doesn’t look impressed with that excuse. Me neither. But can I just say two things? How pregnant does JB look (gorgeously so, I must say) and how cute does Tina look with the long hair and the tight pants? I’m hooked again.

Now here’s Kit getting a medical exam from her son. So they’re obviously on good terms again then. That’s nice. She’s explaining her symptoms and that she has had them for a while, ever since Melvin was dying really. She’s panicking and thinks she’s really sick. She can’t breathe properly, she has heart palpitations and headaches. My first guess is carbon monoxide poisoning - the silent killer. But her son thinks it’s psychological – he thinks she’s under stress what with running the Planet and helping with Tina’s baby. She points out Angelica is Bette’s baby too. He doesn’t look so sure. I don’t like him. He’s got moody eyes.

Back at playgroup and Bette and Tina are inviting people to a six month party they’re throwing for Angelica. Hunky guy will try to make it. Yippee. Can’t wait. Bette demands to know why Tina even invited him. Uhoh! ‘Argument time’ – pick your instruments girls! Bette thinks he’s too straight and suburban and Tina wants to know what’s wrong with that. But it’s a new and improved Bette – she just walks away and doesn’t engage. I think maybe Tina is standing up for herself a bit more which is great, but there’s tension which is not so great, unless it’s sexual tension, which can be healthy as long as it gets released, but if it doesn’t it can build up and explode etc. I’m rambling now aren’t I? Anyway…Bette asks Angus the guitar playing playgroup leader to play at Angelica’s birthday party. Tina looks surprised by this – I’m sensing she wasn’t consulted about this. He accepts and he’s got a cute southern accent going on and he’s in a band and he’s broke. Just my type! Except for the penis. Oh well, can’t have everything I guess. They do say relationships are all about compromise after all.

Now we’re at a tarot card reader’s house/room/whatever and Helena is there having her cards read. She’s very blasé and seems both relaxed and suspicious in equal measure, which is not easy to pull of I imagine. But then the taroter (?!?) reads that she is buying a movie studio, which is obviously top secret, and this seems to make Helena realise that this woman may actually have ‘the gift’. Seems that Helena is going to meet someone and fall in love. Someone creative, bisexual (damn not me then – well I have snogged some guys and I get turned on watching two guys kiss each other – does that count?). This mystery woman also drives a blue car and is a brunette. Apparently Helena will stand back to back and then face to face with her. Mmm. Who could it be? (I’m now pretending I haven’t read the spoiler that told me who it is).

Now we’re in a new therapist’s office. Bette and Tina are having ‘sex therapy’ and the therapist is appalled that they are referring to each other as Mama T and Mama B. That is no way to spice up your sex life girls! She suggests that for their next exercise at home Tina should be naked wearing a blindfold, but Tina wants none of that and talks about not wanting anybody to look at her naked body and tickle her with strips of rubber and suede. Woah girl! Who mentioned rubber and suede? Freudian slip there I think T. Bette is upset as she says she isn’t just ‘anybody’ and she finds her beautiful. Tina can’t believe she can find her beautiful, what with her leaky nipples and huge scar. Not a good image there, so lets move swiftly on. Bette suggests that Tina can’t dictate what she does and doesn’t find beautiful and actually thinks Tina is still punishing her for hammering nails with the carpenter. Tina vehemently denies this – she’s just exhausted from the baby! This is getting heated now – I don’t want them to fight!

The therapist takes a different tack and suggests some new things to spice up their sex life. This seems to bond them together again as they smirk at each other on the couch. But alas, the body paint is too expensive according to Tina. I love the way the therapist announces the prices as if she’s selling something on the home shopping network. ‘Only 20 left! They’re selling faster than I’m talking!’ I’m sensing that Tina is worried about money – first the ‘worried face’ over Bette’s suggestion they employ Angus to play at the party, and now the refusal of the $39.95 body paint. She seems slightly more receptive to the $19.95 ice cube kit. Personally, I would throw those back at her and suggest that ice has the same effect on a nipple or a clitoris, whether it be shaped like a tiny penis or breast or even slightly controversially…a cube! This therapist is funny…she seems shocked to be having to work so hard. ‘You have sexual dysfunction and you don’t want to try the revolutionary ice cube trays? Oh, um, I’m all out of suggestions then.’ Tina does some great eye rolls as the therapist talks about the lesbian tendency to have an aversion to oral stimulation. I do think the therapist is funny when she puts on the clown nose and suggests that humour is a great icebreaker too, but it does annoy me that she’s probably getting paid about $300 an hour for this advice.

But then suddenly we go from their lack of sex to finding out that they don’t have a schedule for Angelica to sleep and that they don’t put her in a crib. In fact they never let her be alone and not touching someone – they’re practicing attachment parenting. Now I haven’t heard of this, but I assume it is some theory about the child feeling safe and secure and subsequently having no hang ups etc. Sounds okay, but I think that’s your problem right there girls – how can you have sex if there’s a baby in the way, not just emotionally, but actually physically in between you. Buy a cot, put the baby in it and Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt. $300 please!

Cut to the Planet and there is the lovely Angelica with Dana, Lara, Shane and Carmen. They are talking about being out to parents. Seems that Carmen’s family don’t talk about stuff like that – they just get on with it. In walks Tina and Bette discussing how the therapist used the word clit. Tina doesn’t seem to like it. But hey Tina, she’s a sex therapist – what do you expect? Also I’m trying desperately to remember when it was that Tina used that word, because I’m sure I’m having flashbacks to that. I begin to doubt myself and think that maybe it was actually just some dream I had, until I suddenly remember – peeing on the test stick, in the first season, Alice breathing down on her while she sat on the toilet. So why does she hate that word now? I hope Tina isn’t getting all suburban and timid on us. She was always the one you could rely on to throw in a ‘bush confidence’ here or a ‘love monkey’ there (no – sorry – that really was a dream I had). Anyhoo…back to real L life.

And so begins a discussion of words for ‘female bits’. Shane seems upset about saying these things in front of Angelica. You’re too cute Shane. Lara likes the word cunt and Dana can’t believe it – maybe not so suited after all hey Dana? Dana doesn’t know what words she likes. Tina gives some euphemisms she likes such as ‘down there’, ‘nether regions’, ‘no no’ (now that isn’t healthy – surely that just encourages negative associations?). Dana agrees – she likes things like ‘lady parts’ and ‘it’. But uhoh! Alice arrives and we know this is bad news as everyone does a collective sigh and some eyes definitely roll. Alice starts asking Dana where she got the word ‘peeper’ from – obviously the word they used in bed together, as she starts to shout out examples of when Dana used it. This is awkward, which I guess it’s meant to be. But Alice also seems to be scratching herself inappropriately and her jacket looks like it may well be buttoned up wrongly and I think it’s clear now that Alice is ‘off the rails’. But what really pisses me off is that Bette looks so annoyed by it. Isn’t she your friend?!? Maybe they still have some tension because of Alice siding with Tina after the ‘betrayal’? Anyway…Dana and Lara leave as Alice yells “peeper” after them. She looks exhausted afterwards, clearly aware of her own downward spiral. Tina tries to lighten the mood by making Angelica dance in a highly cute way, but it doesn’t work. Bette cynically asks what Alice is on now. She tells her the name of some expensive sounding drug, possible side effect Tourettes. Wah! Is it wrong that I’m just finding Alice so funny? I know it’s sad that she’s so messed up over losing Dana, but Leisha is just a comedy genius. In fact they’re all doing a great job at making me laugh so far. What does bother me though is that all the others just seem to tell Alice that it will be okay. Support her! Tie her up and take her to a therapist for pity’s sake.

After the potential crisis of a friend having a breakdown is swept neatly under the carpet, Bette tells everyone that they’re having their adoption meeting later…stress! But then Shane tells everyone that she is going to meet Carmen’s family and act straight. Double stress! Shane wins. No, sorry, Alice wins I think, but nobody else seems to agree with me on that one.
Now we’re at yoga and there are Helena and Alice doing upward dog and downward dog. For a second this makes me think of when I worked in a fast food van in Australia and I sold hundreds of ‘dagwood dogs’ – hot dog dipped in batter, dipped in ketchup. This makes me feel a bit sick and I’m happy to be distracted from the queasiness by Alice ’s crying. Helena thinks it’s the difficult yoga move that’s causing the blubbering, but then susses that Alice is having a meltdown, and is really nice to her. Hello? New and improved Helena anyone? Alice is babbling about the drugs she’s on and being spontaneous etc. Then they lean against each other, back to back, and take turns supporting each other. This is so funny as Alice is still sobbing and poor Helena is put in the most uncomfortable of positions. They turn to face each other and suddenly it dawns on her that they were back to back then face to face. The scene ends with a truly priceless look on Helena ’s face as she fully comprehends that she may be destined to end up with Alice . Loved that scene!

As they walk to their cars Helena suggests that they go to some dating thing together next week, until she realises that SHIT! Alice has a blue car! It’s not looking good Helena ! Alice is a mess and talks about how her meds aren’t working, and then proceeds to swallow more. She asks if Helena is judging her. I think maybe Helena is thinking ‘of course I am – you could be the new love of my life and you’re a total loon!’ But I must say that if they’re trying to make Helena more appealing this season they’re doing a good job here, as she has just won herself major brownie points from me for actually seeming to care about Alice being a mess rather than just rolling her eyes at her and trying to act like everything’s okay.

At Bette and Tina’s house and Kit is holding the baby while they prepare for their adoption visit. The social worker is in a wheelchair and has a HUGE attitude. This scene is weird as the social worker is totally judging them before she’s even through the door. Kit’s got her number “good luck, mamas.” I agree. They’re going to need it aren’t they Kit?

Alice is driving like a maniac in her car, everything going all swervy and strange because of those meds, when who does she stumble across in the lane next to her? Yep – it’s Dana. Where’s her Subaru I wonder? And what are the chances of that happening really, considering how many people live in LA? Dana is freaked out of course, especially when Alice starts chasing her like a true crazy person. I wonder why she doesn’t just stop the car, but instead adds to the dangerousness of it all by speeding up and then calling Alice on her phone to tell her to stop. However serious and tragic it is that Alice has resorted to this, this scene is just so funny. Just the way Alice is screaming at Dana, but then asks her politely to wait as she has another call and then she asks which way she’s planning on driving. These two still have the comedy gold gene, even when they’re stalker/stalkee. Actually, I’m kinda hoping this whole thing is actually just a new roleplay they’re trying out, similar to Captain Stubing and Julie, but I’m suspecting it isn’t. It all seems a bit too serious and I haven’t seen the dildo stuffed down anyone’s pants yet. In the midst of all this chaos, Helena calls Alice to tell her she just bought a movie studio. I’m rather distracted from the drama/comedy, let’s call it dramedyTM (as coma is too sleepy for this exciting scene) of the stalking, by Helena ’s bikini. It’s very nice. Anyway…she wants to know what Alice ’s natural hair colour is…blonde, maybe brunette in some lights, Alice replies. Oh shit, thinks Helena .

Back with the world’s worst social worker and she’s criticising everything. No baby proofing. Uhoh! She’s just not impressed by Bette at all and I don’t think she’s really giving her a fair chance, but Bette doesn’t help herself by claiming that baby proofing is ugly. It makes out as if Angelica’s safety comes second place to art. Not good to say to the social worker Bette. Note to self Bette – not everyone appreciates art like you. It doesn’t make you a philistine just because you’re able to tolerate a baby gate.

Now we’re at a house that looks like a gothic fairytale castle. Turns out this is Jenny’s family home! Aah! Interesting. I suddenly understand the freaky fairytale like flashbacks. Seems that Jenny has been at home in Skokie having therapy to deal with the last episode of season two. Me too Jenny – I’m hoping to make a full recovery any day now! Being there to recuperate seems like a crazy move in itself though, as her mother is clearly not prepared to discuss anything and seems to be a total bigot. It doesn’t strike me as a happy, healthy and safe place to go through therapy. Her mother is a right bitch to her and I make a mental note to call my lovely mum and say hello.

Sharmen arrive at Carmen’s family home. Shane is too cute – she’s so nervous and I do like her in that blue shirt, though her hair is a bit too wavy – she looks a bit like a poodle.

Back with Bette and Tina and the social worker, who is supposed to be checking what’s best for the child, but seems to hate children. She also seems to hate everything about Bette and has a big problem with the fact that Angelica will have no significant man in her life. Now, I get that they’re trying to show that some adoption officials have a problem with gay parent adoption by making her an ogre, but she’s just too extreme. She goes off in a trance about feeling the touch of a man, clearly actually talking about stuff she’s hung up over. It just makes it all a bit freaky and Bette and Tina are as freaked out over her as I am. Thank god I’m not the only one.

Just in time to relieve the awful tension of a crazy person spouting off in your living room, we hear a crash and Alice is screaming outside. Great! It’s like that joke - what’s worse than one crazy person in your living room? Two crazy people in your living room! At least they can keep each other company. Alice has crashed into the woman’s car and is on top form now – really doped up and ranting and saying things you really shouldn’t say to people in wheelchairs with big cars. Of course, it’s tragic that Alice is so out of control, but I’m so glad she arrived and was a bitch to this woman. Drugs are great like that sometimes, they make it okay to say things you know you shouldn’t but you really want to. Anyway…just so we all have something to look forward to…the lovely social worker is coming back again in 10 days. Yay! Get Angus to come and play guitar Bette. ‘Hello awful woman! So not glad to see you!’

Shane is in the kitchen with Carmen’s mother. There are dozens of people in the house. How overwhelming for loner Shane! But she does seem to be coping okay. Carmen’s mother questions her about her family and Shane is very honest and says that she doesn’t see her family anymore. Carmen’s mother welcomes her into their family and Shane seems genuinely pleased to have been told that. And she still looks really cute in that blue shirt.

Now we’re in some dyke bar…I’m assuming in Skokie , as Jenny is sat there writing. Some girl approaches her and says she’s decided she wants to come with Jenny to LA. Aah! This is the new girl…the new butchie…but it’s too bloody dark in the club for me to see her properly! Booo. Well anyway, Jenny seems pleased she’s going to be coming with her and makes this strange whooping shrieky type noise which both startles me and makes me grin.

Back with Carmen’s family and her mother is insisting that Shane comes to some celebration they are having next week, but she will need to dress up! Sharmen are so hot together - they almost snog whilst mom is in the closet! Haha. She’s in the closet! Isn’t it ironic? It’s like rain on your wedding day! She gives Shane a very white and very girly dress to put on, which Shane is not happy about, but Carmen ‘persuades’ her with some hot undressing and kissing. Shane really doesn’t want to, but she puts it on like a good sport and they kiss again just as Mama Carmen walks in with a look of shock on her face. Has she seen them kissing? Oh no thank goodness. She’s just shocked at how good Shane looks. She looks kinda uncomfortable I think, but it’s just funny to see Shane in a dress. This whole episode, nay, season is worth it just for that I think.

At Dana’s apartment and Lara is trying to calm Dana down after her near death experience on the road. At the window we see Alice peering in. This bit isn’t funny, it’s just plain sad, especially when Alice just can’t tear herself away and has to keep watching them. Finally she leaves and my heart feels empty. I hate Lara and her bloody low carb infused biscuits.
Back at the dyke bar and Jenny and the girl, let’s call her Moira, are dancing. Is it me or is there some hot chemistry between these two? I’m totally feeling it and I can’t even see their faces properly. They plan their escape as they twirl on the dance floor. Moira (so not the name I would’ve given to her – she’s so not a Moira) tells her about her degree in computer web designy stuff and I get that Moira is a bit of a techno geek and she’s seems even cuter now. Jenny thinks so too and pounces on her like a true Marina .

Back at Dana’s and we see her and Lara getting heavy on the couch. I’m expecting Alice to burst through the window any second but instead we find out that Dana has a lump in her breast, which she assures Lara is fine – she’s had it checked out. Oh God. I can’t bear to be funny about this.

Back at Jenny’s family house and Jenny and Moira are at it on the bed. In the previous scene Jenny was just talking about how she was going to creep back into the house and not get into anything with her parents tonight, and now she’s noisily shagging Moria in her room. What? Her parents find her and assume that Moira is a man, but Jenny is defiant and stands her ground with her stepfather and her mother. “There’s nothing more you can do for me to make me the person that you are comfortable with.” Yay Jenny – you go girl. And I also like the way that Moira just leaves her to it and doesn’t barge in and get all involved. Jenny and Moira leave, but Jenny’s mother wants to speak to her on the steps. So they do, and there’s some weird alien music in the background. I panic for a second and think it’s an alien version of the theme tune, but eventually realise it isn’t. Thank god. I still hate it though. Anyway…her mum asks her if she turned out this way because of what happened to her as a little girl. Jenny asks why she didn’t comfort her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Her mum apologises and Jenny thanks her for acknowledging it and leaves Skokie to a slightly happier tune. I’m hoping that means that Jenny is leaving behind all the weirdness and is on a happier journey now. She certainly seems to be more together and accepting of everything. I haven’t winced once when she’s been on screen yet, which is just a joy in itself as I really do love Mia and think she’s a great actress.

Cut to Alice ’s apartment and she’s lighting the candles on her ‘Dana shrine’. There are lots of photos and even a cardboard cut-out of Dana. Oh dear, I’m sad that Alice doesn’t have that bouncy Tigger spring in her step anymore – she’s just kind of slouching about. She asks the cut-out “what are you looking at?” It makes me think of the beginning of vogue and how funny it would be if the cut-out struck a pose.

At the Planet and Kit is meeting with David again. He’s asking her all sorts of questions about her skin, her energy levels, her memory, and her vaginal dryness. Kit is really funny again. Have they written it into Pam Grier’s new contract that she’s allowed to be on screen long enough to be funny this season? If they have then well done whoever made that decision. She says that the state of her punani, dry or not, is her business and not his! Wah!

Cut to the gang outside who happen to be talking about more names for the holiest of holies – Tina says she knows someone from England who calls it her front bottom! Now is that really true or do you think she’s actually talking about Helena ? I don’t care; I just like hearing Tina say front bottom. I must be a euphemism kind of girl too.

As they throw out more names, Kit comes back and tells them she’s ‘got menopause”! I love how she says that and then how the gang all pull sympathetic faces. Oh! Aaah! Eee! They all point out the positives of Auntie Flo not visiting every month, but as she says “when the monkey goes south, that’s the end of it” they all disagree and decide you can be just as sexual when you’ve ‘got menopause’. They then turn their attentions to euphemisms for pleasuring oneself. I thank the stars that they have brought back the group scenes we all loved so much! And also that the episode seems to have kind of come full circle because now they are all sitting there; a group of friends talking about women’s issues such as names for vaginas and wanking, just like at the house in California in 1973 at the start. Fade to credits and more of their words for your ladybits. I do like ‘the lips between the hips’, but I don’t like ‘the pink velvet sausage wallet’ or ‘pork shutters’. Yuk. I’m a vegetarian so those images just make me want to retch. So thoughtless. My ex used to call mine my nannynoo which always gave me a warm glow. Let’s share…what’s yours called?

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